ASD and nursery related , have I handled this wrong ?

[Redhats]

My 2 year old son has been coming home from nursery and saying things like ‘Mummy I don’t like X’ , ‘X is scary’ ‘X is too loud’ . Although his speech and language is good for his age when I asked him why he couldn’t answer.

I mentioned what he’d been saying to his key worker and the child in question has additional needs, and they said the child in question can be quite loud and disruptive in the room.

I tried to explain this as best I could to my son by saying X is a bit different and that can make him loud and seem a bit scary but he doesn’t mean to be. I said if he was scared he should go into a different area and play with something else or tell the staff he was feeling scared so they could reassure him. Also enforced he could tell me and his dad when he gets home. I tried not to make a big deal of it but also wanted him to know if he’s scared that’s ok and there are people he can go to.

I was relaying the story to a close friend and she was absolutely horrified that I said X is different and I shouldn’t have said that. She was also shocked I’d told my son to play elsewhere if he was feeling scared and she’d said the way I dealt with it was part of the problem in people with additional needs being accepted.

This has upset me quite a bit as I thought I’d said the right thing to my child, as I don’t want him to be feeling scared in nursery so I tried to give a simple explanation by saying he was different. I did say to my friend I’d have told my son to play elsewhere if it was a neurotypical child who he didn’t like too.

I guess what I’m trying to decide is was I wrong to have handled it this way, and if so what could I have said instead to a 2 year old (he’s only just turned 2 in May so on the younger end).

No, you did the right thing.

Acceptance doesn't mean not supporting our children to be able to make themselves feel safe too.

We've had a really difficult year as my 8YO is friends with a mostly lovely little boy who has very complex needs and my son has been on the receiving end of a lot of physical attacks from him. We've had lots of conversations about differences and big emotions and how some don't know how to express themselves correctly and they are learning but that doesn't mean it is okay for x, y or z to happen.

Children need to know how to feel safe, regardless of acceptance.

I don’t think you did anything wrong. Should you encourage your child to stay somewhere they don’t feel safe and dislike being? My daughter hates loud noises too and I would also tell her to move away from someone who was upsetting her by being loud and tell an adult if she was upset.

I probably would have phrased it as ‘everyone’s different and x finds it hard to…’ rather than ‘x is different’ but hey you’re talking to a 2 year old so it’s hard to show nuance sometimes!

My son is autistic and struggles with loud noises and can be upset by children stimming. I'd 100% tell him the same as you.

Your child is 2 - right now he needs to be made to feel as safe as possible and helped with the coping strategies he needs for making himself feel ok. Expecting you to train your 2 year old to prioritise empathy and understanding of any other child over his own needs is developmentally unreasonable - at this age you can’t even get them to understand sharing properly. If he were a lot older it would be different as he would have the capacity to look after himself and think about the wellbeing of others - but right now his brain is also not “neurotypical” in the way that older child/adults would be (many psychologists won’t diagnose children under a certain age because toddler brains naturally have some of the same challenges) so its unreasonable to expect more of him just as it’s unreasonable to expect more of the other child - that’s why there are adults.

Your friend needs to get off her high horse. If your son doesn't like playing with/near a loud, shouty kid, that's his choice and is completely OK.

You did the right thing.

No you didn’t do anything wrong. Of course your DS can go play somewhere else if he doesn’t like someone or is bothered by noise, why shouldn’t he?

@Redhats I wouldn’t call him “a bit different”, I’d personally say “he’s different to you”

absolutely the right thing to ask her to go to different area , as behaviours can be unpredictable

I think you’ve handled it really well. Your son’s need to feel safe is every bit as important as another child’s need to be included, regardless of neurodiversity.

As a parent of a child with asd, I think you dealt with it perfectly. Agree with the poster above saying about nuance. Better wording could’ve have been “we’re all different and some children are louder than others etc etc”

youve done well to acknowledge, validate and help them find a solution. Your friend is more the problem here.

It’s fine to say that children are all different and have different behaviours and skills, you just need to present it in a way that isn’t derogatory or designed to invoke pity for the other child.

I would be careful about reinforcing the need to be scared. Of course you should validate your child’s feelings but you also need to make him see that you don’t believe he needs to be scared. So instead of saying ‘when x is being scary you can move away’ point out that loud noises and a bit of disruption won’t hurt him. He can move away because he doesn’t like it, but reassure him that he doesn’t need to be scared of it. I hope that makes sense!

Your friend needs to wind her neck in. No one does parenting perfectly and this stuff is hard.

I think future reinforcement could use this phrasing and that is kinder. But I think you didn't do anything wrong at all - your responsibility is to your own child and it 'is' distressing to be around loud noises if that's hard for you.

My daughter is autistic and I have a friend with an autistic son the same age. We used to get together often but had to stop as her son stims really loudly and my daughter couldn't tolerate loud noises - neither of us was wrong or right but the combination of the two children didn't work for either of them.

It's fine, your child is at the young end of 2. The nuances between "other child is a bit different" and " we are all different" s suggested by other posters won't mean anything to them at that age.

yadnbu.

I have two autistic sons - when my youngest was around that age we did a settling in session at a nursery and they refused to take him because he was going to be too disruptive for the other children. It’s a constant battle to help them behave appropriately, make friendships etc,

I still think you did exactly the right thing. Obviously my kids are my priority, but I don’t expect everybody else to force their children into frightening or upsetting situations just so my kids are always included.

And we explain all the time (including to our
children) that their brains work a bit differently to the average and that means sometimes they behave differently, your explanation was totally age appropriate for a 2 year old.

It is not up to a 2 year old to validate anyone - and I say that as a mum of a child with ASD. Him feeling happy and safe is your (and his) priority. You handled it just fine, at 2 years old any nuance in wording will be completely lost on him.

You have done the right thing. Your friend is an idiot and I’d be distancing myself from her.

Sounds fine. It's your job as a mum to look after your son's well being.

Your friend is a loon either childless or a total crunchy mum.

Your response was totally correct and fine. I'd have done the same as you