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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable about my partner messaging other girls?!

8 replies

elizabethxxx · 04/08/2025 20:40

Hello!

for context I had my baby 6 weeks ago. When I was pregnant I asked to see my partners phone (I never have done this before). He got really shady and shakily opened his insta where I could see he had messaged a girl friend of his saying happy birthday. I didn’t see the whole message but I was like oh ok no worries. Also, for context he has had a history of his ex’s messaging him and not telling me. In the early days of our relationship (2 years ago) I also found him on hinge after we had an argument. Overall, our relationship has been a lot better since.

but this is the thing, fast forward 3-4 months the other day we were talking about a pub he liked in London where he hasn’t been for years. I asked him who he went with and he said his friend (the one he had messaged in the past). I asked him if he ever slept with her and he said no but it seemed really off?

last night we had a big row and he said he actually was with this girl for 6 months. Naturally I am pretty pissed off at this point as he had messaged her when I was pregnant, and this would make her an ex?

he is now denying that he was ever with her and said he just said it as I kept talking about it etc and he was pissed off at me.

i am now at a loose end if I trust him or not. And it kinda adds up to why he was so nervous to show me his phone 3-4 months ago?

i understand there is obvs trust issues there. I’m just not sure how to go forward now?

xx

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 04/08/2025 20:43

You sound a bit of a nightmare and quite controlling. Why the constant need to check his phone, not allow him to be in contact with exes etc?

If you dont trust him, and maybe you have good reason, break up.

QuizzlyBears · 04/08/2025 20:44

Why did you ask to check his phone in the first place? It sounds like you have trust issues you need to work on in your relationship.

elizabethxxx · 04/08/2025 20:45

FilthyforFirth · 04/08/2025 20:43

You sound a bit of a nightmare and quite controlling. Why the constant need to check his phone, not allow him to be in contact with exes etc?

If you dont trust him, and maybe you have good reason, break up.

I probably do. But I feel if he can’t be transparent with me after the past then I’m not sure what he expects. I have boundaries when it comes to his ex’s as he has not told me before when they reached out to him. Also, if you read it I checked to look at his phone once ever, and that was just cos I had a hunch and was feeling a bit hormonal 😂

OP posts:
elizabethxxx · 04/08/2025 20:46

QuizzlyBears · 04/08/2025 20:44

Why did you ask to check his phone in the first place? It sounds like you have trust issues you need to work on in your relationship.

I think I was just feeling a bit unsure. Espescially after his hinge activities in the past after we’ve had bust ups 😂

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 04/08/2025 21:05

I have boundaries when it comes to his ex’s as he has not told me before when they reached out to him.

Ok so you can have a boundaries, thats wise but from what youre saying, im not sure youve got the right idea about boundaries. A boundary is something you are willing/not willing to accept, and it results in an action by you. Its not resulting in the control of another person.

I can say - i wont tolerate you speaking and messaging girls to meet up. if you exhibit this behaviour we are through and im gone. This is a boundary

I cant say - i wont tolerate you speaking and messaging girls to meet up. if you exhibit this i want to check your phone, I want you to delete these people, I want you to unfriend them, I want to have a joint Facebook account. This is controlling behavior.

What you have is a cheat, and this is resulting in you having trust issues resulting in you exhibiting controlling behaviour. Toxic on both ends.

Either leave the cheat or stay with him, he wont change, you cant change him, unfortunately you had kids with him.

SeLHopeful2024 · 04/08/2025 21:10

elizabethxxx · 04/08/2025 20:45

I probably do. But I feel if he can’t be transparent with me after the past then I’m not sure what he expects. I have boundaries when it comes to his ex’s as he has not told me before when they reached out to him. Also, if you read it I checked to look at his phone once ever, and that was just cos I had a hunch and was feeling a bit hormonal 😂

Personally, as someone who ignored hunches for years, made excuses for inappropriate behaviour etc, I'd say trust your instinct.

Mine finally led me to uncover an 18 month relationship, and the text I saw was simply a name and a smiley face.

elizabethxxx · 04/08/2025 21:12

SeLHopeful2024 · 04/08/2025 21:10

Personally, as someone who ignored hunches for years, made excuses for inappropriate behaviour etc, I'd say trust your instinct.

Mine finally led me to uncover an 18 month relationship, and the text I saw was simply a name and a smiley face.

This women he has messaged lives abroad so I doubt he is seeing her. But he has reached out the someone who potentially he has had history with. I get that some women are okay with this, but personally I find it hurtful! Thankyou xxx

OP posts:
SeLHopeful2024 · 04/08/2025 21:19

elizabethxxx · 04/08/2025 21:12

This women he has messaged lives abroad so I doubt he is seeing her. But he has reached out the someone who potentially he has had history with. I get that some women are okay with this, but personally I find it hurtful! Thankyou xxx

I understand.
For me, it's the potential intent.
I don't think mine went straight to an affair (we were together 13 yrs when I found out), but there was plenty of inappropriate behaviour that wasn't right for a married man.

You need to have your boundaries as you say (and appreciate what that looks like as @toomuchfaff said).

I hope he sees sense and you can trust him, people can change, but don't be taken for a fool (like I allowed for too long!).

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