To be the less favoured DIL

[Babybirdmum]

That’s it really. My husband has a brother whose wife joined the family after me as she was a long distance relationship. He is the fav son and now his wife is too. She goes to brunch with MIL, PIL know everything about her and they still think I work somewhere I left 7 years ago. I always thought they were the kind of people who didn’t ask others much questions, but it turns out it must have just been me because they have found out a lot about her. I know they like me and we get along but it’s just a bit sad when you’ve been impacted by the favourite son dynamic. I’ve never had that as my parents don’t have favourites. I guess it makes me worry when the grandkids come along, as they rarely bother with our children at the moment only except when we bring them round. Anyone had a similar experience?

I would totally expect this to ramp up when they have kids. There is nothing you can do about it so my advice (I’ve been there) is just to let it be, focus on yourselves not what is happening with the brother.

Sometimes people just gel more with others. What do you do to show interest in your inlaws? I have a fab relationship with mine so find it odd that you changing jobs wouldn't have come up in 7 years?!

I have been there too with my kids being less favoured. It was made obvious. They are now not close to in-law grandparents and very close to my parents who adore each and every one of their grandkids.

Just spend more time with your parents if your in-laws aren't bothered about seeing your kids.

Yes that’s what I keep telling myself.
It has come up plenty, they just don’t seem to remember.

That’s what I’m worried about. Thanks I’ll try

There's not much you can do if they show an obvious preference for their other DIL. Don't take it personally, it's not about you, it's about their favoured son. I would keep your interactions with PIL at a polite and superficial level - match their energy and don't try too hard with them. Spend the majority of your time with your own family and friends. You can't change your husband's family but you can control how much you let it affect your life.

Oh I am very much the less favoured DiL although I married the prodigal son. He went away to university then moved to London with me while his brother lived in the same town as his parents. DBiL met his wife just over a year after DH and I got together and she is very nice and a lot more like his parents so they get on well. We had a baby first and they had theirs a few years later and get a few days of childcare a week from DH's parents too. TBH, DH isn't that fond of his family so it's not a big deal. We see them plenty and get on fine. It might bother me more if he was closer to them and they didn't like me as much as DSiL, or if I couldn't see why they would prefer her to me.

We had this until dbil had his first dc (we had teen dcx3 by then). Sil (who I like) has terrible anxiety and won’t leave my nephew with anyone so mil hasn’t had the experience she’d hoped for with her favourite son’s child. Suddenly I’m the favourite dil. Thankfully we live 4 hours away so it’s not too intense!

I do feel for dh and see where his insecurities come from. I like bil but dh is so amazing I'm sad his parents don’t see it.

I’m the less favoured DIL. Unfortunately this carried onto my dc being the less favoured gc too. I had to distance myself. I warned my dh of the impact this would have on our children as they got older. He tried to address it with his parents but nothing changed. Now they are adults that have very little to do with their grandparents. It’s a shame because I have no family so our dc only had my dh side if the family and they were largely ignored.

My own dad prefers his 2 daughter in laws to me! He asked me at the last family gathering what sort of music I like when I have always been into rock and even used to sing in a band…….even my brother was shocked

I was the less favoured DIL. It didn't help that I'm a different nationality and different religion to DH (I'm English, he's Irish, living in Ireland) or that PILs became very friendly with DIL's parents but only ever met mine twice. Luckily, DIL is absolutely lovely and we get on very well. I didn't need to worry about the GC as it was PILs' own daughters' children who were favoured. Tbh, it never really bothered me; I was always polite but kept a bit of a distance.

I'm also the less favoured DIL.

But imo it's the best place to be. The other SIL visits with her children 2-3 times every weekend (including Friday that we both have off). For me this is completely stifling. I'm happy with my few-times-a-month a visit (dh pops in without me sometimes too). I get on well with my in-laws, but like my own space too and have zero guilt because their time is so full with the other grandkids

I am the favourite DIL
i can do no wrong
i genuinely think it’s because I came along first and by the time their other son got a partner they couldn’t be arsed so just didn’t make an effort with her
it annoys me no end listening to PIL openly criticise my SIL when I like her very much and know she’s no different to me in terms of parenting but I’m ‘doing a better job’
i do spend more time with MIL as I get the invites and she doesn’t, and SIL doesn’t envy me at all.
my partner makes me feel bad for being annoyed because ‘they really like you’ ‘they do so much for you’ and yes they do but it’s sometimes overbearing. My SIL was upset I think to begin with, but now sees she has dodged a bullet as a PP said it can be stifling and if you are happy with occasional visiting and not an expectation of daily contact and photos etc then run with it!

I’m the less favoured DIL, at least for MIL. FIL is much warmer towards me and from what I’ve seen he treats my SIL and I both equal.

You just get on with it really. Go in with little and low expectations and see what happens. I could tell you more about my in-laws than they could tell you about me because I put the effort in from the beginning to get to know them. I realised after DS1 that I might as well been an incubator to MIL and when DS2 came along I reached a point that I didn’t see any reason to continue to put effort in after almost 8 years. MIL asked DH if we were going to christen DS2. I’m not religious at all, don’t consider myself Christian, and we didn’t christen DS1. She never asked me about it, never asked about my beliefs, yet assumed we would christen our children. Surely, you would know this tidbit about someone who you have known for 7 years and why would we christen DS2 but not DS1? DH literally asked her that.

I look at it this way. There is no expectation of me or for me to do anything more than what I do. I no longer urge DH to visit his family. If he doesn’t want to do the journey up, we don’t. The children don’t know any different so far and the only reason they want to go to see their grandparents is to see their cousins who often stay and visit at grandparents’ house.

I don’t have to worry about overstepping or placing boundaries since they’re involved very little in caring for our children. I don’t and won’t have the feeling of owing them anything or being grateful for xyz.

I totally understand. I am the least favoured DIL , and so by default our children became second class. The dynamics in DHs family were so alien and distressing to me. We ended up going no contact with them and our life became less stressful for it.

I am very much less favoured DiL. SiL has been referred to others by MiL as "the daughter I never had." MiL has no idea I know this, or how hurtful I found it.

Dh is second son - nowhere near as academic as first son, went down a more manual work route. BiL was more high-flying - uni, job in management, high wage etc. They are very different. It's not golden son territory, but older son fits in much more with MiL and married lovely SiL who matches well and comes from a similar background. Dh's job means he mixes far more with down to earth, work hard to make ends meet type people. It's like there's a class divide within the family!

My family is solid working class - not at all rough or loud-mouthed, but definitely a world apart. We scrimped and saved and held our heads up high to get through life as respectably as possible whilst getting by on the bare minimum. SiL's background is much more of a fit with how MiL is - both are, and always have been, solid middle class, working hard to be comfortable and for luxuries in life rather than to pay the electric meter.

I worked hard, first to go to uni, very good degree, professional job. I get on well with all Dh's family, but my family was and is very different both in terms of "class" and in the way we are towards each other. Therefore SiL and MiL fit together much more easily than I do with MiL. She's perfectly lovely to me, but there's a distance there - and we're probably both a bit to blame.

However, MiL is scrupulously fair to the grandchildren. Both families have two ch, both with at least one child with suspected ASD. All born within 5 years of each other. The children are all doted on equally. I suspect there may be a bit of preference for BiL's children - but equally, might just be paranoia. The children themselves have no idea. So you may find it doesn't impact any children you have.