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Original poster

When to cut off family

14 replies

Helpmeout99 · 04/08/2025 16:54

I have a difficult relationship with my mum who, I suspect, is a covert narcissist.
She is sweetness and light to the world but to my brother and I, if we dont tow the line, she is vicious and it hurts. My brother keeps his distance and got out of the emotional abuse far sooner than I did. I am now in my mid forties with the most wonderful husband and family but still my mum is an issue. Today while at work, I received what can only be described as a bloody dissertation full of emotional blackmail and guilt and ive just had enough. Despite the fact i know I have tried to be a good daughter she cannot let go that i had a child at 19 with my husband and says it was a stab in the back. Our son is now 25 and absolutely wonderful in every way. I have spent my life trying to supoort my mum through all her issues and dramas( everything is a drama) and im just exhausted by it. Ive spent the day on and off in tears as the message I received was telling me how disappointed my dad would be, who died several years ago, to see i was holding her at a distance. Its true i have been but to protect myself for the nastiness- she is the permanent victim of situations she creates.
Please, those who are no contact with parents, tell me your final straw and how u navigated the guilt- I feel like she has so deeply installed guilt and shame in me I dont know how not to feel it!

OP posts:
AlloaintheMiddle · 04/08/2025 17:03

The covert ones are the worst!
Always making some sob story to explain or deflect from their toxic behaviour.

I don’t have any experience with covert narcissist parents (crazy acquaintance in my case) but I can only imagine how hard it must be.

Hopefully someone will answer soon with good advice.

Best of luck. 🤞

Original poster
Helpmeout99 · 04/08/2025 17:06

Its truly awful, if people really knew who she was their jaws would drop. She parents with guilt and shame, denies, gaslights and reminds me of all she has done for me while using my dead dad to would and hurt me. It is such a mind fuck as I truly question if I am the issue and a bitch of a daughter…. Despite the fact I have no other issues with relationships and have several close friends who reassure me that this is mental and im not to blame!

OP posts:
cocog · 04/08/2025 19:14

Send the message back to her ask her to read it and she will see why she’s kept at arm’s length and then tell her if she keeps sending you nasty messages she can be kept much further. Your an adult she’s nasty to you and her behaviour is why you don’t enjoy her company. Or just tell her to off and go completely no contact block her from your kids phone first though as that’s who’s next on her bullying list.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/08/2025 19:21

Can you go completely no contact? Just block her on everything and leave her to stew in her own bile and vitriol.

You sound lovely and she sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. Behave as though she doesn't exist. She certainly doesn't deserve a daughter like you.

myplace · 04/08/2025 19:48

First of all, silo her messages. Anything from her goes to an email folder. Mute her.

Only ever look when you have the time and space to think about it.

You can tell her that you won’t be looking at messages while you are at work.

When you are ready to look, get someone else to read and summarise for you. ‘She’s wingeing again. Nothing new.’ ‘She needs a new washing machine, wants you to take her shopping.’

Reconcile yourself to her never being a nice mum. She just isn’t. Don’t waste your energy wishing.

Be transactional- decide what you are prepared to do, do it, do nothing else. ‘I’ll pop in on the way home on Thursday, as usual.’ If she’s mean, tell her you’ll leave and come back next week when she’s recovered her temper.

pinkbackground · 04/08/2025 19:51

Recently, I told my parents I’ll be having a break from them as I need time and space to think. I outlined the issues. Our relationship has been difficult for quite some time, but sounds similar to how you’ve described your situation. Could you pull back and give yourself some time to see how you feel with some distance?

Hoppinggreen · 04/08/2025 19:56

I went NC with my father, I didn't hate him or anything I was just done and decided that he brought nothing positive into my life and lots of negatives
It was a HUGE relief and I have no regrets at all. I was NC until he died and didn't go to his funeral.
Its easier if you don't have other people involved, I just had my brother and he knew not to even mention our father so I could just forget he existed for most of the time.

LottiePa · 04/08/2025 20:12

My Mum, I believe is a narcissist.

I turned 40 this year and since having my DS almost 6 years ago, I’ve realised that the way that she treats me is not how you treat your child.

I’ve tried for years and years to make our relationship work.

I have so many different stories of the horrible things she’s said and done to me throughout the years - it’s like death by a thousand cuts.

She is the victim in every situation - including the ones she creates.

My brother is the golden child and my dad enables the behaviour.

I had to cut them off in April when she texted me vitriol about keeping my son away from her. She hadn’t bothered to call, text, see him since Christmas but again took no responsibility and blamed me. My son wouldn’t know her if she walked past him in the street.

Cutting them off comes with its own set of challenges. My parents simply do not care about me and it’s hard. You want them to love you and miss you but they don’t and they won’t. Your Mum should be your safe space, mine never was. I’m jealous of everyone who has their parent in their life and their good relationships and it makes me sad that I don’t and will never have that - her being in my life doesn’t give me that either though and at least with not being in contact with them means I don’t have to suffer the abuse and the tantrums and horrible messages. It means I can protect my Son from her too.

Either way it’s hard and you’ll miss what you don’t have but having her out of my life means I don’t have to deal with her.

Original poster
Helpmeout99 · 04/08/2025 22:56

thepariscrimefiles · 04/08/2025 19:21

Can you go completely no contact? Just block her on everything and leave her to stew in her own bile and vitriol.

You sound lovely and she sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. Behave as though she doesn't exist. She certainly doesn't deserve a daughter like you.

It’s difficult as I have done this before and she kept turning up on my doorstep, I think i will be doing so again though and not opening the door!
x

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmeout99 · 04/08/2025 23:00

pinkbackground · 04/08/2025 19:51

Recently, I told my parents I’ll be having a break from them as I need time and space to think. I outlined the issues. Our relationship has been difficult for quite some time, but sounds similar to how you’ve described your situation. Could you pull back and give yourself some time to see how you feel with some distance?

Yes I absolutely need to because it is having a knock on effect with my family as they are upset and frustrated at seeing me dealing with this crap. I came home to a hot bath with candles and a lovely meal and it just brings home that this is the family I need to pour all my positive energy into and I have to stop letting her have access to hurt me. Thanks so much for reply

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmeout99 · 04/08/2025 23:04

LottiePa · 04/08/2025 20:12

My Mum, I believe is a narcissist.

I turned 40 this year and since having my DS almost 6 years ago, I’ve realised that the way that she treats me is not how you treat your child.

I’ve tried for years and years to make our relationship work.

I have so many different stories of the horrible things she’s said and done to me throughout the years - it’s like death by a thousand cuts.

She is the victim in every situation - including the ones she creates.

My brother is the golden child and my dad enables the behaviour.

I had to cut them off in April when she texted me vitriol about keeping my son away from her. She hadn’t bothered to call, text, see him since Christmas but again took no responsibility and blamed me. My son wouldn’t know her if she walked past him in the street.

Cutting them off comes with its own set of challenges. My parents simply do not care about me and it’s hard. You want them to love you and miss you but they don’t and they won’t. Your Mum should be your safe space, mine never was. I’m jealous of everyone who has their parent in their life and their good relationships and it makes me sad that I don’t and will never have that - her being in my life doesn’t give me that either though and at least with not being in contact with them means I don’t have to suffer the abuse and the tantrums and horrible messages. It means I can protect my Son from her too.

Either way it’s hard and you’ll miss what you don’t have but having her out of my life means I don’t have to deal with her.

Gosh they sound very similar to my mum, its so hard isnt it. My mum is the eternal victim and professes to love us all so much but then says the nastiest things, death by 1000 cuts is very accurate! Everything is so calculated too, I know she will have poured over her message today to make it as hurtful as possible, It was sent while I was at work in the middle of a busy clinic and she did that to have the maximum impact and unfortunately it worked 😞
Thank u so much for your reply, its very helpful. X

OP posts:
Strangerthanfictions · 04/08/2025 23:06

Helpmeout99 · 04/08/2025 16:54

I have a difficult relationship with my mum who, I suspect, is a covert narcissist.
She is sweetness and light to the world but to my brother and I, if we dont tow the line, she is vicious and it hurts. My brother keeps his distance and got out of the emotional abuse far sooner than I did. I am now in my mid forties with the most wonderful husband and family but still my mum is an issue. Today while at work, I received what can only be described as a bloody dissertation full of emotional blackmail and guilt and ive just had enough. Despite the fact i know I have tried to be a good daughter she cannot let go that i had a child at 19 with my husband and says it was a stab in the back. Our son is now 25 and absolutely wonderful in every way. I have spent my life trying to supoort my mum through all her issues and dramas( everything is a drama) and im just exhausted by it. Ive spent the day on and off in tears as the message I received was telling me how disappointed my dad would be, who died several years ago, to see i was holding her at a distance. Its true i have been but to protect myself for the nastiness- she is the permanent victim of situations she creates.
Please, those who are no contact with parents, tell me your final straw and how u navigated the guilt- I feel like she has so deeply installed guilt and shame in me I dont know how not to feel it!

I could have wrote so much of what you've written, it took me 25 years longer than my brother to finally bail out. I started laying down boundaries some years ago and being less accepting of the bad behavior and she escalated in response, she got worse as I tried to distance or step back, trying to bring me to heel but then became ill which trapped me for several years as I felt I couldn't walk away when she was in a bad way but she made my life hell with it, being mysterious, dramatic, guilting me, scaring me shaming me just totally weaponised it. I eventually, after well over a year found out the whole thing with made up she wasn't I'll at all (no brain tumor, bone cancer nothing) I uncovered it through the hospital and finally saw her for the awful, sad, miserable, vindictive person she is and I finally I felt able to walk away from her. I've never looked back. I am free from the emotional abuse that's characterised much of my life and can leave the blame with her, she always made me feel so awful about myself.

Ponderingwindow · 04/08/2025 23:14

No contact is really hard. It means you have to skip larger family events because the person you are choosing not to see will be there. It means missing weddings and funerals.

I’ve chosen the much simpler, extremely low contact. It’s a similar result and freedom, but you don’t have to give up quite as much. You also never have to make a statement to the person, you just slowly drift. If you see them at an event, you make chitchat for as briefly as possible, say something noncommittal about staying in better touch, and then fade into the crowd. I’ve managed this for decades with some of my relatives. No big scenes, just quietly drifting away.

MyQuirkyTraybake · 04/08/2025 23:53

I'm sorry OP, it is horrific. I've been out over 10 years now. I did a lot of reading of books as I found no one understood. I highly advise not talking to people about it as you're vunerable at first. I also recommend you read all you can.

It does get easier. You realise how much you're growing and changing as a person. You also accept you can't control what anyone else does, only yourself. You only get one life.

I've thrown away a significant inheritance and been replaced by a cousin. I don't regret my decision. It's hard but being a punching bag would be worse.

I've come to pity her (she doesn't know any better) and I regard myself as lucky for getting out.

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