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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Adult child issues

22 replies

PinkGorilla · 04/08/2025 13:27

My DD is 19 (almost 20) and lives with me. However my husband left me in January, so myself and my eldest live in a new house together and my youngest two children spilt there time between their dad and I 50/50. My eldest has recently finished college, so now I am having to pay the full amount of council tax without the single person's discount and I'm struggling financially. My child benefit for her will also stop any day now. I'm only on a part time wage and I've tried to get more hours from work since my husband broke up with me, but I've not had much luck. I've asked my adult DD to contribute £20 per week, which she did begrudgingly. She's worked two nights per week in a pub for the past year. I've asked her to get a job with more hours, or an additional job but she doesn't want to. Which I kind of understand, as I'm very reluctant to leave my part time job which I absolutely love, due to the fact I've only recently lost my dream home, my husband, my financial stability and my children 50% of the time. I don't want to lose my job too. But she can afford to give me £20 which helps a little. However if I ask her to grab me a bottle of milk on the way home, she says she's overdrawn and wants me to send her the money for yet... Yet she is out every night. Which is my other issue....Most nights when she is working, she finishes work at the pub at 11ish and then stays out with her friends until 1am. She also stays out late when she's not working. She then sleeps until 2pm, showers and goes straight out again. It wakes me up every night and I also feel quite lonely. I asked her to spend one night per week with me and we went to a pub quiz on Wednesday night, but then her friend was outside our house waiting to pick her up when we got home. So then she went out again until 1am and I sat alone. What parts, if any, am I being unreasonable on?

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 04/08/2025 17:30

You can't suddenly expect your 19 year old to take the place of your husband. You need to work more than part time and stop expecting her to be your social life.

KateMiskin · 04/08/2025 17:34

I don't think 19 year olds want to spend time with their mum's.
But she shouldn't be waking you up and I don't think expecting her to contribute is unreasonable.

sesquipedalian · 04/08/2025 17:38

OP, your DD is a young woman who wants to go out and have fun. What is she doing, apart from a couple of nights in the pub? You may be reluctant to leave your part time job, but at her age, she needs to be doing more than a couple of nights a week. And £20 a week isn’t enough for board and lodging - nobody gets to live at home and freeload off their parents, if the parent in question is struggling financially, and even if you were well placed, you wouldn’t be doing her any favours. Does she have any plans for more education? This is an unsustainable situation - your DD needs to think about her future and either training or a career, and you need to think about what you want to do - your daughter isn’t your companion, and it’s not fair to expect her to be. What were you doing when you were her age? I’m sure you weren’t just sitting at home with your parents every evening!

Agix · 04/08/2025 17:38

YANBU to ask for a contribution to the council tax. I say that as someone who does not agree at all with charging kids (even adult ones) rent or board if it can at all be helped - in your situation, it sounds necessary, you're not overcharging, and therefore as fair as it can be.

Sorry to say though... You are being unreasonable asking her to keep you company, be your friend etc though. She's a teen. She wants to go out with her friends. She's not a substitute for your relationship, and it's not fair for her to have your wellbeing and loneliness on her shoulders.

You can tell her to be quieter when she's running about at night though, absolutely.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/08/2025 17:40

Sounds like you need a job with more pay/hours but what are her plans now she's finished college...she cant expect you to fund her if she doesn't want to work more hours.

I think you're being unreasonable about her not spending time with you...she's 19, she doesn't want to be sitting in with her mum when she can be out with her mates

Dearover · 04/08/2025 17:57

What is she planning to do to earn a living & build a future for herself? She can't live on a few hours each week in a pub. How is she funding clothes, phone, transport etc?

KateMiskin · 04/08/2025 18:19

Yes she needs a plan for further education or a full time job.

TheAmusedQuail · 04/08/2025 18:23

You both need to get full-time jobs. You should both apply for UC until you find those jobs.

Stop faffing around. You don't have the luxury of continuing to work part-time if it doesn't support you. Neither does she.

Skybluepinky · 04/08/2025 18:42

You can’t expect your child to pay because your hubby left you and you don’t want to get a full time job, grow up and actually be a parent.

WitchesofPainswick · 04/08/2025 18:45

You need to work full-time, unfortunately.

Your daughter needs a plan for working or education.

The rest is sort of faffing at the edges of the issues.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/08/2025 18:53

Skybluepinky · 04/08/2025 18:42

You can’t expect your child to pay because your hubby left you and you don’t want to get a full time job, grow up and actually be a parent.

No need

WaterOfADucksBack · 04/08/2025 18:54

It sounds like you're going through a tough time adjusting to the changes in your life. Given the financial struggles you're facing, asking your daughter to contribute £20 per week seems reasonable. However, the inconsistency between her contributing to household expenses and expecting you to cover her personal expenses might be worth discussing further.

Regarding her lifestyle and late nights, it's understandable that you feel lonely and would appreciate some quality time with her. Setting boundaries and expectations for her schedule might help you both find a better balance. You could try having an open conversation with her about your feelings and see if you can find a compromise that works for both of you.

However she cant fill the void of your ex husband. She needs to have a career path though, is that a plan ?

What's your area like ? And what's needed. Can you not think of something you enjoy and make a living from it starting a business. Insurance is cheap and DBS is easily got. Ie dog sitting and walking is £14 an hour here. Or cleaning and decluttering and companion is £15 and hour. Child minding again £15 an hour.
Maybe your daughter would come in with you.

Rainbows41 · 05/08/2025 00:14

Someone who is older than 18 in the household, such as your daughter, can apply for 'second adult rebate' on the council tax. Speak to your local council about it tomorrow.
She will need to fill out a form and provide proof of her earnings. Her entitlement assessed based on her income. Whatever she is entitled to gets knocked straight off the council tax.

You're welcome.

PinkGorilla · 06/08/2025 13:47

Thank you to those who offered kind, constructive feedback. Just to clarify, I do intend on working full time. All I said was that I was struggling to get extra hours at my current job and really don't want to leave it. I am however trying to get extra hours, I've also advertised to offer freelance equestrian services as an extra source of income. If all that fails, I will of course have to quit my current job and get a full time job. So the person who told me to 'grow up and parent', you shouldn't make assumptions based off limited information. I also don't expect my daughter to hang out with me several times a week, I just asked for one evening a week. But I understand I can't expect that at her age, just request and I'm certainly not trying to get her to replace my husband.

OP posts:
PinkGorilla · 06/08/2025 13:51

Dearover · 04/08/2025 17:57

What is she planning to do to earn a living & build a future for herself? She can't live on a few hours each week in a pub. How is she funding clothes, phone, transport etc?

Edited

She's just done a diploma in policing and was going to do criminology at uni, but didn't quite get the grades. She plans on applying for the police when they are next recruiting.

OP posts:
Dearover · 06/08/2025 13:52

Your DD sounds as though she could risk drifting. What are her plans and aspirations for her future?

PinkGorilla · 06/08/2025 13:54

Rainbows41 · 05/08/2025 00:14

Someone who is older than 18 in the household, such as your daughter, can apply for 'second adult rebate' on the council tax. Speak to your local council about it tomorrow.
She will need to fill out a form and provide proof of her earnings. Her entitlement assessed based on her income. Whatever she is entitled to gets knocked straight off the council tax.

You're welcome.

Thank you so much. Will look into it.

OP posts:
SugarMarshmallow · 06/08/2025 13:54

PinkGorilla · 06/08/2025 13:47

Thank you to those who offered kind, constructive feedback. Just to clarify, I do intend on working full time. All I said was that I was struggling to get extra hours at my current job and really don't want to leave it. I am however trying to get extra hours, I've also advertised to offer freelance equestrian services as an extra source of income. If all that fails, I will of course have to quit my current job and get a full time job. So the person who told me to 'grow up and parent', you shouldn't make assumptions based off limited information. I also don't expect my daughter to hang out with me several times a week, I just asked for one evening a week. But I understand I can't expect that at her age, just request and I'm certainly not trying to get her to replace my husband.

I actually don’t think you’re unreasonable in any way shape or form! You’ve had a huge life change.

You need to find another job with full time hours and quit your part time job.
Your daughter needs to get her finger out and find a job that’s more than 2 nights a week. She’s an adult, 20 years old. She’s finished college so what’s her plan? To live off mum who’s struggling atm and work 7 hours a week at a pub?

£20 a week is really cheap. She needs to get a full time job and if you need help financially be paying towards the house even if that’s £150-200 a month on a minimum wage full time job.

SugarMarshmallow · 06/08/2025 13:56

PinkGorilla · 06/08/2025 13:51

She's just done a diploma in policing and was going to do criminology at uni, but didn't quite get the grades. She plans on applying for the police when they are next recruiting.

Edited

She should at least get a part time or full time job even temp work whilst she waits for the police to open up recruitment. FYI I have members of family in police and it takes a while to go through the process. She could still be at least a year away from having a full time job

TheAmusedQuail · 06/08/2025 14:13

PinkGorilla · 06/08/2025 13:51

She's just done a diploma in policing and was going to do criminology at uni, but didn't quite get the grades. She plans on applying for the police when they are next recruiting.

Edited

It's extremely competitive, getting into the police. And I can't imagine they'd look favourably on a 19 year old who only works a few part-time hours a week.

If she is serious about becoming a police officer, she needs to seek more gainful employment to back up her application. And if she can't find paid work, voluntary work would boost her profile.

Laying around living off her mum isn't going to sell her as an applicant.

I appreciate telling this to a defiant 19 year old will fall on deaf ears of course. But it's the truth.

TheAmusedQuail · 06/08/2025 14:14

SugarMarshmallow · 06/08/2025 13:56

She should at least get a part time or full time job even temp work whilst she waits for the police to open up recruitment. FYI I have members of family in police and it takes a while to go through the process. She could still be at least a year away from having a full time job

With no guarantee of being accepted. It's very competitive.

Pessismistic · 24/08/2025 23:23

The loneliness is not your dd problem sorry you have gone through all this. I get your loneliness I’ have a family but hardly spend quality time with them but I would prefer them to be happy living their life as best they can. Can you get U C for the kids? Maybe when you don’t have the kids see friends or get a hobby or join a group. It’s now time for you if money is tight take the 20 even if it’s begrudgingly given things will get better if you don’t have the kids can you do a weekend job or just a Saturday or Sunday job? Don’t give up the one thing that you love until you have no other choice it will make you miserable and you’re going through enough as it is. Good luck op.

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