To expect to move on after 20 years

[NippyChippy14]

TLDR: 20 years ago, trip away, multiple families, including grandparents. My mate and I fell out, moved past it and now closer than ever. Mum pulls a face every time I mention my friend so I’ve stopped, but that’s also wrong.

20 years ago my close friend invited a large group of people away for a long weekend.
The groups were made up of kids, parents, grandparents and some family friends.
My friend and her husband were going through an awful rough patch and things were very tense.

It was so long ago that I can’t even remember what sparked it all but my friend ended up having a huge go at me and her husband joined in too, and essentially I think I got the brunt.

The drive home was awful because I had actually got a lift with them so it was upsetting to say the least. I did go to my mum‘s afterwards to collect my car and because I was really upset and didn’t want to go home straight away.

My friend and I didn’t have contact for a couple of years following this event but she did get in touch and they apologised (her & husband) profusely and said looking back she can’t even remember herself what had happened and why she shouted at me in the way she did. She said she was really sorry, she missed our friendship and hoped that we could work past it.
We have worked past it and now we are really close and see each other every weekend and message at least once a day.

I’m going away with this couple again later in the year with my DC and I haven’t told my mum that’s who I’m spending the time with, instead I’ve just said that we are going abroad.

Mum found out today (3rd party told her!) that I’m going with them and pulled, what can only be described as, a sneer. So I asked why she does it and she said “you know how I feel about them, I’m your mother and if you saw your child that upset you’d feel the same way!”.
I said “I completely understand but it’s been 20 years and we moved past it, they apologised and we’ve moved on”.
She said they hadn’t apologised to her and she’d never move past it.

AIBU to expect there to be some forgiveness after 20 years? It was a row, yes it was upsetting, yes it was unprovoked BUT we are all 20 years older and now the closest of friends. I said that this is the reason I don’t tell her. I’m in my late 40’s for goodness sake so I’m sure I can make my own mind up and if I don’t tell her it’s because I don’t want to be judged for spending time with my friend.

YABU - Mum is right, never forgive
YANBU - You are right, forgive and move on

Ach. There have been girls who my daughter is now friends with who have been horrible to her in the past. I'm not going to pretend I like them now.

My son's have friends that have treated them badly and they've put up with it. It's impossible for me to now like those friends.I agree with your mother.

I offloaded to my Mum often about a toxic friendship. She never let it go and when things were really good, she always cautioned me not to trust too much, remember x and y, don't go on holiday with them again etc.

She was right. I eventually ended the friendship after 20 years as I came to the realisation my Mum had years previously. And I haven't regretted the decision once.

I’m on your mum’s side but I’m not the forgiving type.

Thank you for the responses, I really appreciate it.

Do you not think people are allowed to make mistakes and then grow up and be better/nicer people?

I had not fallen out with this person or had any issues before or since this 1 event 20 years ago.

I can forgive people being mean to me but can not forgive people being mean to my children. I definitely hold a grudge.

Your mam cares about you and seeing you so upset would have hurt her. You say you "completely understand," but clearly, you dont.

Theres not one that can hold a grudge longer than a Mother, I actually sent my girls a meme about it which amused them.

My youngest was bulled by a 'friend' at Primary school, she even talked of not feeling worthy of being alive. Now some years later they are friends again and she can't understand why I don't like them! I was so annoyed when they were treated as the star pupil at their GCSE results (to be fair they got 9's in every single subject) but all I could think about was how they was capable of making my DD feel.

On a lighter note a girl was mean to my eldest DD in a more low level way and said she was babyish etc because of the clothes she wore. If for any reason this name comes up I will say i never liked her, though we do laugh about it.

Its just Mothers instinct.

Your mum is being ridiculous. And frankly, selfish. You're friends again - if your mum can't bury her hard feelings, which I understand, then the least she can do is not burden you with them.

And I speak as one who finds it hard to forgive any slights to my DC. But that's my problem, not theirs. I don't expect them to carry MY grudges.

It's fine for you and your Mum to have different stances on this, and you don't need her to forgive your friend. It's understandable she might not want to, the only question is why does it matter so much to you that she agrees with you. It's fine for you to forgive and move in, it is also fine if she doesn't, but I can't imagine it particularly affects your life that your Mum doesn't approve so why try to change her. Let Them, let me!

I've got adult children and your mother is being sneery and unpleasant. It's not really anything to do with her is it? She's not 'in your corner'.

There are a couple of people who I felt were not there for my daughter when she needed them, but they are now quite pally, ten years down the line. I keep my mouth shut because I didn't choose their friends as children, and I certainly don't police their friend now they are adults.

In my opinion these two were pretty shit friends when she went through trauma and I wouldn't trust them, but I never say anything to my DD. It's her life.

I agree, we have different stances and that’s ok.
I don’t want or need my mum to forgive her, I don’t want her to agree with me.
I want her to stop the unnecessary and unpleasant reaction.
Perhaps my title should have been “To expect no reaction after 20 years”

I don’t take anything a fourteen year old girl says to heart. They say some strange things.

But if an adult said something to my daughter whether she was adult or not? I would always be keeping a weather eye out. Always.

I think this is what I’m getting at.
Be neutral.
My DC has some “challenging” friendships so I do get the mum feelings but she’d never see it.

I think your mum is way out of line to say that they haven’t apologise TO HER.

Id agree if she had been trying to tell you to be careful about xyz if she was noticing stuff you kept ignoring. But thats not what she is doing. Rather, she's taking it as personal attack on her ??😵‍💫😵‍💫

Otherwise, i agree that she doesn't get to judge your friends AND YOU. Regardless of her opinion, she should keep her mouth shut and treat you like an adult - one with different tastes and standards than her.

Maybe I'm petty but I would probably hold a grudge against someone who'd done that to one of my children. Your mum is entitled to feel how she feels, just as you are.