To be stressed by the mess and kitchen clutter on extended family holiday

[rookiemere]

We are away with DHs extended family. It’s a lovely property with loads of room. It’s a multi generational group with 12 of us in total. I get on well with everyone and enjoy spending time together.

However I am getting increasingly worked up about the state of the place. I know it’s hard to keep on top of things with 12 people but DH and I appear to be the only ones who actually unstack the dishwasher. People hand wash in preference to actually doing it and walk away and leave it. There are bits strewn everywhere including someone- I know who - who left strawberry hulls on the counter, rather than putting them in the bin which is two steps away. Ironically I am no neat freak myself, I just have some minimum standards around cleaning up after myself.

I have tried to only do my fair share, but it’s just not enough to stay on top of things and I feel sad that the beautiful house we are in, now resembles a student hovel.

I had a bit of a melt down yesterday at DS19 and his nephew as the only adults I can conceivably convince to do anything. Calling it out or trying to create a rota would cause a lot of tension. Thankfully I am going tomorrow as need to look after elderly DM, but I just feel sad because I would love to enjoy our time together, but I just get agitated when I go into the kitchen.

Any suggestions?

My in laws can be a bit like this on extended family holidays

My approach which works fairly well is just to ask people to do stuff.

So if BIL and SIL are sitting around in the kitchen while I am clearing up, I just say (not their real names) "Fred, would you mind taking out the rubbish?" "Susan, I'm unstacking the dishwasher, do you mind wiping the counters?"

It feels quite awkward and I 'm sure it makes me unpopular but I just can't do everything. And to date no one has actually said no

Maybe they are just "fetch stuff out of the dishwasher as I need to use it" people?

The strawberry hulls is a bit off though

On holiday with my mum at the moment, omg she is so lazy ...she is 78 but very active....so it's not an excuse, she can certainly get up to help herself to snacks/wine/drinks but leaves a mess ever where especially when she goes to bed. Glasses & plates left where she was sitting 😩....what's really annoying she goes to the kitchen to get a drink before bed but doesn't think to take her rubbish with her. I'm trying to let it go but we are only day 2/7 ....😳

Glad it’s not just me.
I guess one of the reasons I am not staying for the whole week is I knew this would annoy me so much.
Sometimes we have stayed in separate group properties and I find that easier.

I might try asking people to do things. It would be better if I do it before I work myself into an internal rage.

I like this suggestion. It’s what I would do. It’s a shame you have to do something though OP I would be silently seething

I'm with you OP i can't bear totally unnecessary mess. We end up hosting extended family more than our fair share because we have the biggest house, which is fine, but I am genuinely astonished how much stuff my in laws bring when they come and stay. They will fill an entire SUV with gear, which then has to be emptied out of the car and left lying around in our hallway for the duration of the stay, meaning i can't find anyone's shoes or coats or get the buggy in and out! Drives me nuts and I don't understand why all the crap can't just stay in the car boot or go up to their rooms.

Kitchen is a similar shithole story but suggesting a rota never goes down well so I've given up. I just grit my teeth and absolutely refuse to do more than my fair share or get too worked up about it.

Have a glass of wine as soon as its an acceptable time and be glad you get to leave early... thank goodness you'll be missing the big clean up at the end!

Yes this would drive me mad too ! I just can't relax around mess especially the kitchen.

For next time, can you agree a rota? That was the only way I could stand it, on my nom-rota days I just stayed out of the kitchen.

The second, and last time, we had an extended family holiday we took days about- DH & I one day; Sil & MIL day two; BIL & family day 3.

Without it, BIL & I do all the cooking, DH did all the clearing up. Thats bad enough at Christmas, but for a weeks holiday it’s not on.

The problem with rotas in my experience is that different people have very different understandings of the same task

We do have a rota for cooking and cleaning up after cooking but BIL and SIL interpret these tasks as - they cook a meal, except for anyone with dietary restrictions who they expect to sort themselves out, they load the dishwasher, that's it.

I interpret these tasks as - I cook for everyone, there's a no flavour option for SIL who has the palate of a picky three year old, a low salt portion for FIL with high blood pressure etc, we load the dishwasher, put back all the ingredients, clean the kitchen counter, wipe the dining table and take out the rubbish.

I feel like I would be viewed as a fusspot if I wrote out all of the tasks in this level of detail.

Certain members of the group would not tolerate a rota unfortunately and I think it would stop any future extended holidays which would upset DH.

Ha. I've experienced this in the past, but it's been better this year, partly because I took control of unloading the food shop into cupboards, explaining my system and then putting things away when left out.

Having said that, someone has still just left several half-eaten carrots on the worktop

People have different standards. As someone on the tidier end of the spectrum, it does infuriate me, but that's life in all communal areas - student kitchens, the office kitchen, all the people who think it's fine to use a teaspoon to stir their coffee and then leave the spoon and a small puddle of coffee on the side or to leave a dirty saucepan "soaking" in the kitchen sink for days or who never wipe the crumbs off the side after making a sandwich have to come from somewhere! They presume the magic kitchen fairy will sort it out for them.

@Emilysmum90yes one of my reasons about leaving early was that I will miss the leaving. Everyone is meant to strip off their bed sheets and empty their bin and it’s amazing how few manage it. This year I left all the collection of money and deposits to DH, so I am less personally invested in leaving the place a decent standard. One year we had the property owner call us and remonstrate with me on the way home as one of the party didn’t listen to my clear instructions to put the keys in the key safe and instead left them in the unlocked porch.

But we had a lovely meal out and nice walk and I am just going to grab some stuff from the fridge for dinner tonight, so I will keep out of the way.

I did similar on a group hoiday with friends, except I left early for exactly the opposite reason. Last year were all very responsible following the 'leaving instructions' and stripping the beds, clearing the fridge, emptying dishwasher, putting out the rubbish, taking away glass etc. However one of the group couldn't leave it at that, decided they had to clean all the toilets and bathrooms (including one that had just been cleaned), disinfect the kitchen and wipe down the cupboards, and vacuum the whole house. None of us felt we could leave until it was done - especially the person who was the key holder. It must have been cleaner than when we arrived!

It turns out the the person has form for this. This year dp and I completed our duties and left the evening before.

People have different standards. I remember a holiday with family where two of my SILs seemed to be into 'competitive cleaning' and it drove me mad. Who wants to spend hours on holiday cleaning the kitchen?

I left them to it.

Oh believe me, my standards are pretty low, but yes the steeping saucepan and hand washed dishes lying in filthy water give me the ick.

I’m afraid this is par for the course in this sort of situation. Some people are messier than others.

in my situation we took days each but yes, the standard of cooking and tidying up varies significantly.

i’m disabled and we stopped going after the time when pils delayed dinner by four hours to help SIL put her baby to bed.

I need to eat at specific times for medication reasons.

no solution except just ignore it - keep food in your room/get deliveroo and only wash up your stuff and don’t be there at the end!

Never go away with these scruffy pigs again.

Maybe you’re just not suited to this type of holiday?

Ha ha this is last year’s thread. We are booked to go away again in August, just for a long weekend. I was particularly stressed when I posted as elderly DPs were consuming all my time and energy, but thankfully they are now in a care home so I may be more zen about the filth this time round.

Yeah. Id not go, next time.