I think I might be in love with someone I barely knew 10 years ago

Ashley911 · 2025-08-04T00:03:41+00:00

Nothing ever happened between us apart from one thing right at the start of knowing him. I won't say what it was so as not to potentially out myself to anyone reading least of all him.. but in short I rejected his advances. We became casual acquaintences, seeing each other on a sort of necessary basis (work related) Well that's how I would like to term it but really I saw him as a friend. Even though the relationship was very surface level. 10 years ago we had a fallout. We didn't even speak to each other it was just the way he looked at me and the way I left. The next time I saw him I acted normal and things were ok. I moved away and just didn't contact him again, there being no need now that we were not connected via work. I also was feeling that he was never going to take things forward with me. I have thought about him over the years but then always tried to push the feelings away, believing he did not feel the same way. He settled down and had two children. I heard this through a friend he is not traceable on social media. I do not know if the relationship with the mother lasted or not. It's just, lately, I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I imagine us running into each other and what we would say, what would happen. Am I crazy for feeling this way ? Does he feel the same way- how can it be possible for this to happen as a one sided thing I feel like an idiot

Tablesandchairs23 · 04/08/2025 01:21

Its a fantasy of you'd want it to be. Your in love with the idea of him. Stop analysing and let it go.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/08/2025 01:34

You aren't in love with a real person, you don't know this person. It's a fantasy. There's nothing wrong with a fantasy crush, unless it's making you unhappy, but don't kid yourself that this is something worth pursuing.

TheVofR · 04/08/2025 01:53

With the ultimate kindness and respect, he has probably never thought about you again, he has gone on to have his life, settled down with a partner and had a few kids. However strong your feelings were (or still are) for this man, they are not reciprocated, not then, and especially not now. We all have moments of rose-tinted specs, and "what could have beens" so don't feel like an idiot for the dreaming, lots of us have done it, but do try and haul yourself back to reality, and put him out of your mind, and try and move on. Unrequited love is a waste of your space and time. xx

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 04/08/2025 02:01

What is lacking in your life now? What are you missing, what is wrong? That’s what you have to fix.

SadTimesInFife · 04/08/2025 02:02

Romantic novels are...fiction.
Hard as it may feel, look to the future and maximise your opportunities to find a partner, if that is what you pine for.
Find something to love that is not imaginary.

Lurkingandlearning · 04/08/2025 02:25

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 04/08/2025 02:01

What is lacking in your life now? What are you missing, what is wrong? That’s what you have to fix.

I would be surprised if @NoCommentingFromNowOn hadn’t hit the nail on the head. It’s usually when we are dissatisfied with life or are troubled by something that we get wistful about our past. It’s escapism of the worst kind because it’s got a tenuous link to reality. We get the “if onlys”. We lose sight of the reasons events played out as they did. Worse we overlook that so much has changed in the time that has passed, even if we could go back to that person they would be almost unrecognisable as the person we remember.

I think if you make efforts to make your life happier and more fulfilling these feelings will dwindle and end. If they don’t, you’ll have to accept you’re stuck with them, but they won’t feel as intense because you’ll have a happier more fulfilling life.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/08/2025 02:28

It sounds like you are lonely and have. romanticised the memory.
Have you had many relationships since?

Aarkay22 · 04/08/2025 03:01

Am sorry. I can imagine how this picture of "what if" makes you feel, but it's not real. Read up on Limerence. You are trying to escape into a fantasy and right now because of how strong the feelings are, it appears meaningful to you. It is not. It will wash off in a while, but until then you need to understand the brain chemistry behind it, and not act upon anything it may be telling you to do.

MuckFusk · 04/08/2025 03:52

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 04/08/2025 02:01

What is lacking in your life now? What are you missing, what is wrong? That’s what you have to fix.

I was just about to ask the same question. Something is missing in her life and she wants to believe that this guy is the answer.

groovergirl · 04/08/2025 06:24

As a PP suggested, do some reading about limerence. Limerence seems like love, but it's basically a brain hijack that floods you with dopamine to the point of narcosis. It feels blissful at the time, but you eventually come down from it, and that's when depression can swamp you.

Also consider ADHD. In recent years there's been research to suggest a link been limerence and the dopamine-deficient ADHD brain. I have ADHD and have been limerent all my life, even as a child. Oh blimey, the energy I wasted on unrequited crushes! I've learned to channel the energy more creatively and happily in midlife.

From my experience, may I suggest you take up a rigorous physical activity to stave off that post-dopamine depression? You need to replace the lost dopamine with endorphins. Running was always great for me, as was dancing -- the really tough, brain-engaged kind such as ballet and hip-hop/funk. Please don't contact your old crush, or even talk about him outside of MN. Just know that you're having a chemical reaction that you can't help but that it will run its physiological course and will pass.

Original poster

Ashley911 · 04/08/2025 06:49

Hello I have went to bed and woke up to your responses and I will just give a few details requested, I've been single for about 4 years. I'm also currently not working and struggling to find a job I am searching every day for work and getting nothing back. I suppose I am bored and dissatisfied.

It has been 6 months now that I have been having these thoughts (other than the occasional fleeting thought as per previous)

Thank you everyone for your insight on this

OP posts:

Moonlightbean123 · 04/08/2025 21:38

groovergirl · 04/08/2025 06:24

As a PP suggested, do some reading about limerence. Limerence seems like love, but it's basically a brain hijack that floods you with dopamine to the point of narcosis. It feels blissful at the time, but you eventually come down from it, and that's when depression can swamp you.

Also consider ADHD. In recent years there's been research to suggest a link been limerence and the dopamine-deficient ADHD brain. I have ADHD and have been limerent all my life, even as a child. Oh blimey, the energy I wasted on unrequited crushes! I've learned to channel the energy more creatively and happily in midlife.

From my experience, may I suggest you take up a rigorous physical activity to stave off that post-dopamine depression? You need to replace the lost dopamine with endorphins. Running was always great for me, as was dancing -- the really tough, brain-engaged kind such as ballet and hip-hop/funk. Please don't contact your old crush, or even talk about him outside of MN. Just know that you're having a chemical reaction that you can't help but that it will run its physiological course and will pass.

Also consider ADHD.

Imagine if we applied your thought process to every thread on mumsnet.

Original poster

Ashley911 · 05/08/2025 03:02

Yes I don't think it is ADHD it's just a weird confusing thing happening

OP posts:

groovergirl · 05/08/2025 05:02

No worries. I wasn't trying to armchair-diagnose you; just that I've had similar experiences, hence my suggestion.

Good luck with your job search.

Guavafish1 · 05/08/2025 05:06

Women have very powerful minds….I agree with others about it being a fantasy

In reality if you both wanted it to work… it would have worked.

Also sounds like the fall out was serious enough to cut the friendship/situationship

Silverbirchleaf · 05/08/2025 05:10

Are you harking back to a time in your life when things were better for you, and he was part of this. He represented something that was good in your life, and you want that feeling back.

If you’re bored and looking for a job, can you do so voluntary work? Charity shops are crying out for volunteers. Even helping a few hours a week will get you out of the house. Or local animal centre, food bank, etc,

3luckystars · 05/08/2025 08:20

I think maybe because you are unemployed and out of work now, it sparked a memory of a previous workplace and it’s like a needle stuck on a record now because you are a bit down. And stressed.

You didn’t like him then, that says enough about him, your gut instincts are right. Don’t doubt yourself.

Original poster

Ashley911 · 05/08/2025 16:13

Silverbirchleaf · 05/08/2025 05:10

Are you harking back to a time in your life when things were better for you, and he was part of this. He represented something that was good in your life, and you want that feeling back.

If you’re bored and looking for a job, can you do so voluntary work? Charity shops are crying out for volunteers. Even helping a few hours a week will get you out of the house. Or local animal centre, food bank, etc,

I think I might do some voluntary work

OP posts:

Thanksman · 05/08/2025 16:17

Moonlightbean123 · 04/08/2025 21:38

Also consider ADHD.

Imagine if we applied your thought process to every thread on mumsnet.

Show quote history

Right!

Original poster

Ashley911 · 10/08/2025 21:20

I'm trying to think of things to think of to replace thoughts of him. I feel like a total loser but I can't help thinking maybe he feels the same way. Like i don't know how else to frame it in any sort of respect for myself that it is a two way energy
I am picking up on

OP posts:

MuckFusk · 10/08/2025 21:45

Ashley911 · 10/08/2025 21:20

I'm trying to think of things to think of to replace thoughts of him. I feel like a total loser but I can't help thinking maybe he feels the same way. Like i don't know how else to frame it in any sort of respect for myself that it is a two way energy
I am picking up on

You aren't picking up on any energy because you haven't seen him for years. There is nothing to pick up on. You're engaging in self deception.

You will be able to stop thinking about him when you fix what's wrong in your life that this fantasy is a distraction from. Just trying to stop thinking about him and trying to think of other things is not going to work. You have to address the root cause.