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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Problems trusting my daughter’s father

8 replies

C36M · 04/08/2025 00:18

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

My 5 year old has been with her father for a week visiting his family roughly 4 hours away. She didn’t want to go, but we have a court order and I have to stick to it and it’s nice for her to see her family. He reassured me on the first day that she was having a lovely time. I’ve only been allowed to call her once, which is fine I imagine they have been busy seeing relatives etc.

So the call I had with her was yesterday and it was a FaceTime call. It was 5pm and I could see she wasn’t dressed, and her hair probably hadn’t been brushed in a couple of days which is fine as we all have lazy days, but this coupled with some other things really made me worry.

She mentioned she hadn’t had any lunch, but she had breakfast. She said she was watching Smile 2 with her teenage sister and her sister’s friend. She said it was very scary but she didn’t mind because she’s brave (this film is an 18 certificate). She showed me her nan (her father’s mum) asleep on the sofa, and her sister and her friend in the bedroom watching the movie.

My daughter kept me on FaceTime for 3 hours and 40 minutes in the end, not wanting me to go. We were reading stories, watching is it cake through my phones camera, she was giving me multiple tours of the house even though I told her not too, as I don’t think I’d like it if she was showing people all around my house lol.

It was really lovely to talk to her, but during this call no one checked on her, offered her a drink or any food, and her grandma was still asleep on the sofa. At around 8:45pm they finally offered her some tea. I told my daughter I should go so that she could have tea and so her sister could have her phone back, and she cried her little heart out.

I have messaged her father as nicely as possible to express my concerns which are mainly that she was watching a 18 movie, and that she hadn’t been fed since breakfast but he hasn’t replied. It’s been playing on my mind all day, she is home tomorrow but I just wanted to vent really I think, and get people’s opinions :(

Her dad was at a concert while all this was happening, so he probably thought our daughter was in good hands with his family. However, he does seem to make poor choices when it comes to our daughter sometimes. I don’t always feel like I can trust his judgment

OP posts:
Unbelievable2025 · 04/08/2025 00:42

Not eating since breakfast is not ok. I doubt you can control this though..

nam3c4ang3 · 04/08/2025 00:47

Smile 2?! That’s insane. And no food!!?? Ffs that poor child.

Hankunamatata · 04/08/2025 01:52

You nicely mentioned it to her father.

Tbh i would have told her to wake granny or ask her sister for something to eat.

Original poster
C36M · 04/08/2025 01:55

Hankunamatata · 04/08/2025 01:52

You nicely mentioned it to her father.

Tbh i would have told her to wake granny or ask her sister for something to eat.

I did multiple times, but she was too afraid they’d take the phone. So stayed out of their way. I lost count of how many times I told her to ask someone for some food because it was getting late, she kept saying ‘don’t hang up’

OP posts:
Original poster
C36M · 04/08/2025 09:08

Just commenting to give this thread a boost as I posted it late last night

OP posts:
anonymoususer9876 · 04/08/2025 11:07

YANBU to have concerns OP. I would assume she had been left in the care of her nan, so her father needs to have the conversation with his mum as to why she was asleep all that time (not just a quick nap). If the sister and friend are over 18, were they supposed to be looking after her? You need to establish who was supposed to care for her and whether they can adequately do that in the father’s absence.
Is this the first time she has stayed there? If not, how were previous visits?

Original poster
C36M · 04/08/2025 17:48

anonymoususer9876 · 04/08/2025 11:07

YANBU to have concerns OP. I would assume she had been left in the care of her nan, so her father needs to have the conversation with his mum as to why she was asleep all that time (not just a quick nap). If the sister and friend are over 18, were they supposed to be looking after her? You need to establish who was supposed to care for her and whether they can adequately do that in the father’s absence.
Is this the first time she has stayed there? If not, how were previous visits?

Thank you for your reply :) Her sister is 17 and her friend is 18, so they may have been asked to look after our daughter. It’s the first time she has stayed at his mum’s and I’m worried about sending her back in the future

OP posts:
PhoneMeATaxi · 04/08/2025 18:05

I think it is one thing to have this told to you by a 5 year old which obviously can be misinterpreted by her because she is 5. It is a whole other thing when you can see it, her hair being unbrushed, not dressed, unfed, The adult in charge just asleep and the older teens not checking in on her either. Worst is the exposure to completely unsuitable movies with adult themes.

The exposure to the movie is a siren wailing safeguarding red flag for primary school children and it does get reported by staff if it is mentioned to us in school. It goes to the DSL - Designated Safeguard Lead who in turn would decide if it gets reported higher. Combine the movie with the neglect of the child then this is painting a picture of lacking the most basic of care. I wonder what state she will be returned back to you? If all clean and tidy then they know that this is how she is meant to look.

I would document everything in case you wish to take this further including his lack of response to your concerns. I am assuming Grandma was meant to be looking after her primarily.

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