To be at a loss with my mother

[speaksforthetrees]

I just can’t cope with her erratic behaviour any more. It’s so hard to explain, she is just incredibly difficult, negative, and will not accept help in any way shape or form. She is a functioning alcoholic although she’s veering into the unfunctioning in my opinion. Her friend told me that she recently fell down the stairs while drunk. I am aware of at least two other incidents where she hurt herself, one which needed a hospital visit. This hasn’t stopped her drinking. She has also fallen out with friends and family who have tried to address this with her.

She doesn’t cope with daily life at all. Other than going to work she has no life because everything is too much effort or she’s too stressed or tired. She has barely any relationship with my dc and needless to say she offers no help which I find very hard when I spent so much of my youth being dumped at my grandparents so she could go out. I wouldn’t trust her with mine anyway at this point.

When she is sober she is a good person but this person appears less and less now. And I’ve noticed she is hyper anxious, shaky and often defensive when I talk to her without a drink in her.

In her defence we have had a lot of tragedy within our family in the past 5-10 years. She lost her parents and my dad passed away suddenly too. It’s been horrific for us all but whereas I have tried to make something of my life in their memory, she has given up completely. She refuses counselling, she refuses to see the GP about antidepressants. I think that she is quite happy with this hollow existence of drinking in her dilapidated home everyday. I feel so angry with her.

Sorry to hear but the truth is you can only help those who want to be helped. 😔

Is she aware of how you feel?
Have you tried talking you her about getting help?

Her being her is a her problem, not a you problem.

You being angry is a you problem for you to deal with. You mourning the life you didn’t receive is also a you problem. Neither of these are unreasonable but she isn’t going to help you with them. Like it or not, you need to be pragmatic about your feelings.

It’s time for you to at least either have a good think or get some counseling and try to anticipate the future. Decide what you can and can’t cope with and decide what you will and will not do. Perhaps do a little research into options. Clarity will help if someone (social services or well meaning neighbours etc) tries to land you in the thick of a mess later.

Thank you for the replies. She does know how I feel, especially about the drinking but despite the injuries and falling outs, she is not willing to change or stop.

I know my own feelings are mine to deal with. I just feel so frustrated. She has let me down in so many ways and it’s hard to reconcile that. I look at other mother and daughter relationships in my friends/family circle and just feel bitter and resentful. I feel like my mother has chosen this. Obviously she didn’t choose the bad things that have happened but she had chosen her response to them which is essentially to drink until it took hold of her and basically opt out of ‘normal’ life under the premise of ‘not coping’ but also not accepting any help.

Do you think so could be deeply depressed and drinking to self medicate? Or has she always had these traits?

If she was formerly interested in life and good to be around then possibly it’s worth trying to get her to seek help via her GP. If not then unfortunately there’s very little you can do except to accept her for what she is and decide how much you are prepared to cope with.

Sorry to hear this but I agree with PP that the problem, such as it is, is mainly that you are taking responsibility to yourself for a situation that you aren't supposed to have any control over and have no standing to resolve or improve. You think she's quite happy with her life, so that's fine, she has the right to choose this. You don't need to address this with her or offer help that isn't wanted. Your priority is your children, and building a healthier family dynamic with them than you had. You cannot make your mum change into a different kind of person than she is, you cannot have the relationship with her that might have existed if she was a different person. You can mourn that lack but you can't involve anyone else in that mourning. You can involve your mum, as she is and unchanged, in your life to the extent that her contact is beneficial to your children, and keep your distance from her for anything that brings the turmoil and chaotic path she has chosen anywhere near where it might affect them or reduce your own ability to protect them.

speaksforthetrees, it sounds a really difficult situation. I can emphasise as sometimes older parents can forget the trauma of losses and bad times have also impacted you and instead of looking after yourself you are looking after your mum.

Does your workplace offer an employee assistance programme? If so I would 100% recommend accessing the counselling service, I used it under similar circumstances and it gave me support in setting up boundaries as well as speaking to someone completely impartial about things I could never say to people close to me. If you do not have it through work your GP might be able to refer but might have delays. Take care of yourself x

You can’t do anything, even though you think you must be able to do something.

Make bloody sure that ‘something’ isn’t enablement.

Tell her what you’ve posted here. Her choice to get help - drink’s a horrible problem, and only she can fix it. Poor you and poor mum. Point out you both deserve better.

Alcoholics ruin lives. Not only their own, but those of everyone sucked into their orbit.

With this in mind, you have very few options.

You could consider staging one last serious intervention. Do you ever take her out? You could for example call Alcoholics Anonymous and find out if there is a local meeting that you could take her to. Then tell her you're taking her out, without telling her where.

To sit in an AA meeting and hear individual stories from the people who are there, sharing their awful experiences, talking about how they are recovering from their addiction, is sobering listening.

Let her hear this from others, not you.

Afterwards, tell her that you are not prepared to stand by and watch while she destroys herself. That you will cease all contact with her unless she gets help. This will include her going to her GP. She clearly has underlying mental health issues that will need to be treated.

Tell her the decision is hers. Tell her you will go to the GP with her.

But first and foremost - YOU need support as the daughter of an alcoholic. Try reaching out to Al Anon. You might even decide to find a counsellor who you can talk to about the trauma of being the child of an alcoholic. The damage runs deep.

Please take good care of yourself. None of this is your fault. You deserved a better parent.

Recommend she take vitamin b complex. Alcohol washes vitamin b out of the system thus contributing to the problems people drink to get over. You can't get her to stop drinking but at least it won't be as harmful

Having been in a place very close to where your Mum is, I feel so sorry for you. No wonder you feel alone, angry, and worried.

My suggestion would be, you tell her, clearly and bluntly, what your line in the sand is, and what this means.

For example, you might say that you will not be prepared to visit anymore, because it is just too upsetting. Or that you will not be her 'in case of emergencies', so you will not be helping out if she needs hospitalisation, or when she comes out of hospital. That you will not talk to her if she is under the influence of alcohol. If you feel you could, you could say that you will support her in however you feel you can if she chooses to seek help for her addiction and mental health issues.

It's okay to look after you. And your family. It's also okay to be angry and resentful at the impact your Mum's addiction to alcohol has had on your life. I would suggest that therapy to give you a place to vent and explore these issues could be a good idea for you.

Having experience of alcoholism from a fairly close family member, I unfortunately think that they can only be helped if they actually want to stop drinking. If they don't then they will more than likely drag everyone else down with them.

It may be hard to accept, but in order to properly protect yourself and your own family unit you probably need to distance yourself from your mother now. This is easy to say but harder to do because despite her foibles she is still your mother.

Talk to her about getting help maybe one last time and make clear that if she doesn't or won't then you will be forced to step back now. This isn't sustainable and neither of you can continue this way. Then follow through.

I was on a thread fairly recently where a poster was in a very similar situation to you. She got loads of good, insightful replies and you might find it helpful to read through them.

here is the thread

I think the first thing you could look at is taking yourself along to an Al-Anon meeting. They are a group entirely devoted to helping the families of alcoholics.

Thank you for the replies everyone, it really does help. I also read the other thread and there is some fantastic advice on there.

As an update, I called my mother yesterday at around 5pm after a very busy, stressful day at work (for me) and she was completely pissed. Slurring and talking rubbish. I did snap and I told her it was disgraceful and I’m sick of it. She hung up on me and I haven’t made contact since. In the meantime one of her friends (one she hasn’t managed to alienate) has been in touch expressing concern, telling me how she needs help, they are worried about her coming to harm etc. I know this but I can’t do anything more. I feel drained by it and somehow, against all logic, still feel guilty. This friend called me at 6am this morning because they were worried that they couldn’t get in touch with her. I have a busy life, work, kids and I am having to navigate this self inflicted drama at 6am in the morning. She was fine by the way and turned into work like nothing had happened apparently oblivious to the worry she is causing everyone.

Hi OP. I've logged into mumsnet for the first time in months specifically to reply to this, because it really hit home to me.

My mum died of alcohol-related complications (multi organ failure basically) a few months ago. I'm still finding it hard to accept. I didn't see the signs clearly enough, and from my perspective it's actually an advantage that you do (the shaking, the denial, the refusing therapy etc. - all of which my mum did in the months leading up to her death, but I didn't understand she was deep in her addiction).

Al anon has been a life saver for me. Particularly as my dad is an alcoholic too. OP, I can't emphasise enough the importance of putting the focus on yourself now. Interventions, berating your mum etc. is only going to drive her more away. And to put it bluntly, when your mum dies, you're going to need all the resources you can get to deal with the guilt of not having done enough.

You can't cure an alcoholic.

As someone else had said, you can’t help someone who won’t help herself. Right now you need to prioritise yourself and your children. You can’t help your mum so better to protect yourself by removing yourself for the situation as best you can.

I don’t have any experience supporting addicts so maybe this wouldn’t work, but I’m wondering if it would be worth telling her you’re taking a break from her for a while. Say you’re struggling to manage your own life and can’t manage her problems too. That you will be taking a complete break and won’t be contactable for a set period of time. She might be pleased to hear from you and more willing to engage after a break, and also knowing that you will walk away if you need to might inspire her to be more cooperative. Of course she might not change at all, it’s a bit of a guess really. But from your point of view it will give you the break it sounds like you really need and a chance to recharge your batteries. You could then go back to trying to help her with renewed energy and be better able to cope. You could also decide that you want longer away from her, or even to permanently break contact.

I recently got signed off work with burnout and it made a big difference knowing that, whatever happened, I absolutely was not going to be dealing with that situation for the next couple of weeks and I was going to take time to relax. Whether the idea of a break would potentially being beneficial to you trying to help you mum I can only guess, but I do think it could be good for you to just step away from it for a bit. It really helped me.

I’m really sorry for your loss and thank you so much for taking the time to comment.

I have looked at Al Anon but there are no local meetings in my area. I’m not sure if they offer anything online.

I am torn between worrying about her and needing to take a step back for my own sanity. I tried explaining this to her friend and felt like they were judging me a bit and thinking I’m uncaring. But I have lived this for a long time and after so many incidents, discussions, disappointments, cancelled plans and let downs it just grinds you down. Regardless I know I would be beside myself with guilt if anything happened to her even though my logical brain tells me it’s not my fault.

I cannot believe I am in this situation. Growing up she was a loving mother, she still drank but she never let me go without anything. Steadily this has crept up and turned her into someone who struggles to function and doesn’t seem to care about her own family. Its heartbreaking.

I can really relate OP, and I really feel for you, for going through this.

It's wonderful you are worrying so much about your mum as it really shows what a loving person you are. But time to step back now, as you've identified, and put some of that energy into protecting yourself (and in turn your mum too hopefully) from her mental illness, because that's what alcoholism is. And you can't control the illness.

Al anon has meetings online, and though individuals sharing their experiences and the step work there's a concept which can be learned called 'detaching with love'. The way I interpret this is putting the focus on me, not the alcoholic, and putting firm boundaries in place. So for example, I said right. My mum can phone me once a day after work, or if she hasn't phoned for a few days, I'll call her and check in. I'll let her complain about her various childhood trauma-related dramas for a minute before saying firmly I can't help with that, only the professionals can. I'll let her complain about her physical ailments for a minute, before saying firmly that's one for the doctors. I would recommend Al Anon to her formally once a year (before I realised she actually needed AA). I would invite her to outings, knowing she probably wouldn't show up, but that was OK as long as I didn't have expectations of her doing so.

Sadly I found that by putting these boundaries in she wasn't much interested in engaging with my life, and she largely ignored her first grandchild on the way etc. but I had to accept (and it's really tough) that the illness just didn't leave her with much headspace for anything related to me. She was just talking at me. And I've found alcoholism leaves the sufferer very self-centered.

Ignore the friends who you feel may be judging you/pushing you to do an intervention by the way. They won't have dealt with a close family member going through such a severe mental illness, and they don't know what's best in these situations. Only you can decide how is best to handle this, based on what you learn from others' experiences, and the professional support available.