PLEASE HELP DP functioning addict

[Cwoffeelover1]

Please can anyone give me advice my dp is now a functioning cocaine addict. I’ve gave him the opportunity to get help whilst living with us but he acts like he wants to yet never had gone past seeing the GP and has never self referred to get help for addiction. I have a 9 year old and a 11 month old. I’ve tried to kick him out numerous times but we have a joint tenancy both our names are on it (housing association). He makes me feel bad saying he has nowhere to go and needs to get to work he has no car at the minute and all family live far. He has also when sober refused to leave. I have nowhere to go myself but we can’t live with him anymore it’s emotionally damaging for all of us. Please ask if need more info there’s just too much to write. X

Has he just started using cocaine since your 11 month old was born? Why did he start?

You won't be able to force him to stop, but I would caution that if social services finds out you have cocaine use in your home with kids it probably won't be good (and is a breach of your tenancy).

I don’t know about how to handle a joint tenancy - maybe see a solicitor? Or talk to housing association? Maybe Women’s Aid can help to point you in the right direction. Maybe you could get some support to leave?

I do know that there’s nothing you can do to help him, and in staying you’ll hurt yourself and your children.

Don’t listen when he’s trying to make you feel bad. He’s making his choice.

I’d start with your HA or possibly the 9yo safeguarding lead (the school should have a safeguarding email which is monitored during the holiday). Or, if your partner is aggressive, violent, steals or puts any of you at risk of harm, call the police.

I think NA has support for families of addicts. You deserve to be able to raise your kids in peace. Get some professional support.

If I were you I'd stop thinking of his addiction as the problem you hope to solve, because he'll use until he decides he wants to stop, regardless of you and the children, and nothing you can do can change that. Think instead of finding housing away from him as the issue to resolve. Contact Shelter or Citizens Advice to talk through your rights and options.

His behaviour had changed before I fell pregnant I was leaving him just before i found out (wasn’t planned). He found it impossible to stay in one weekend it’s like it was the biggest ask and would come home the next day I at first suspected cheating etc. I have never taken drugs myself so found it hard to notice what could of been obvious signs… I decided to go through with my pregnancy but it was very tough I was left alone a lot with my other child whilst he was out or sleeping when home. It was even tough since my baby was born he finally admitted his addiction. He’s cried, said he needs help etc. and without the addiction is a loving dad. It’s destroying us as a family. I’ve known I’ve needed to leave for a long time now but I’ve been giving him chances sure this would be the last time and he would get help but it’s gone worse ALOT worse. I can hardly ever tell when he’s sober now he’s been at it all week inbetween working sits on the sofa off his head I hate it. I want a peaceful family home for my children I’m worried sick my kids will find something but I don’t know where to go I’m not working at the minute xx

You’ll be entitled to state support, you shouldn’t have to put up with a coke addict when you have a young kid at the right age to start being exploited and a baby starting to crawl and be mobile. It’s not on. It’s not your fault. Please contact safeguarding so that someone can help you.

I 100% agree I have given him so many chances to try and keep my family together and not make any big movements at the expense of me and my children (feel like the worst mum) but it has now become so bad I cannot allow this anymore. I have to put them first as I should of done sooner x

Go to speak to someone at narcotics anonymous as they will support. You need some urgent help.

You need to prioritise yourself and your kids.
Suggest you contact a GP or advice service who can help lay out your options and needs and who will give you a clear plan. I’m sorry you’re going through this but it’s time to put your big girl pants on. You can wish for his recovery all you want but he needs to want it - at the moment he’s not seeing any consequences of his behaviour.

Speak to your housing association. They might be able to cancel your tenancy and issue a new one in your name only.

However, please be very careful. Cocaine is involved in a huge proportion of domestic violence cases. You don't want your "lovely " partner to flip out and turn on you and / or the children. I would be doing everything to get him out of your home before you become another victim.

The refusing to leave is domestic abuse. Not all addicts are terrible people, most would leave a mother with a baby and a child in peace, this one isn't because he's an unpleasant person. Speak to local DA charities and approach the HA and let them know you are a victim of DA. Social services could also force him to leave.

Who on earth thinks you’re being unreasonable?

Do you have any family living elsewhere?

I would phone women's aid and see what they suggest you can do to get him removed. Well done for putting your kids first, he needs to go .

Yes I have family but there’s no room for the 3 of us with the cot 😔x

You need professional support. Recovery is a long hard journey and he needs to do that alone, away from you and the kids. If you didn’t have children then you could possibly consider staying with him and supporting him. But you do so you really need to prioritise them. He can get better with professional support but you can’t help him with this. Your children are your priority. You need to let him go (kindly but firmly).

Sort your self out before ss take your kids off you for letting them live with an addict.
Either move in with family, get him off the tenancy agreement or go to women’s services.

The HA can't legally just end a tenancy and reissue (i work for a HA). You can request a tenancy changes from joint to sole but he will need to sign to take himself off the tenancy.

The only way to force him off the tenancy is for a court to issue an occupancy order.

You need to ask him to leave. If he won't leave, speak to womens advice and the police.

How long is left on your tenancy?

just came across this @Cwoffeelover1 how are you getting on now? I hope you are well