To think that nobody actually wants you to "speak up" when you're struggling

[Whytry]

Everyone always says when things are hard to reach out to those around you, but what do you do when nobody around you actually seems to care?

I am mid 30s, 3DC, nearing the end of a lengthy, tense separation although on the surface we are civil, largely because I have been well trained to go along with what he wants. I am moving back in with family as I have nowhere to go and can't afford to live in this area and ex would fight me in court if we tried to move further away and I can't afford it. I don't really get on with said family but I have no choice unless I'm prepared to give up custody, and I'm hoping it's only temporary. It's looking like I'm going to walk away with nothing (we didn't have any any assets or savings so only really furniture and kids stuff) as he would only let us pool money for bills and bought everything else separately, I bought plenty along the way but more often for occasions/kids stuff rather than permanent fixtures and he's claiming because he paid for it, it's all his. I know legally that's not true, but I don't have the money or energy to fight him over furniture that I would have to pay to store anyway.

I have come to realise that over the course of our marriage (I was young when we met) I have drifted from my friends because he never liked any of them, and his friends were lovely so I was happy to socialise with them and called them my friends, except they were obviously all his friends and now we have split they all are back to being his friends, my old friends have understandably moved on and although I have reached back out and we have met up a few times it's very superficial and there is no real support.

I made some new friends last year when I first split who I got on super well with and started a relationship with one. We spoke a lot about the past and what had gone on and they encouraged me to always be open and honest about what I feel, not to bottle things up and communicate, that my feelings weren't a burden etc. there were huge shifts in dynamic of the group earlier this year and it's changed everything. One friend no longer speaks to me over a misunderstanding as she branded me as using my feelings to manipulate (which isn't true but she isn't interested in hearing my side of it which I have to respect) and since then the relationship with my partner feels to have got more distant and I think they side with my ex-friend although they claim to be impartial. We are long distance and whereas before they were always keen to see me they never make any attempt, I know they are busy themselves so have made attempts to make it easier on them, but it is hit and miss as to if it comes off. When we are together it is like nothing has ever changed and it's enough to make me think this shift is temporary and circumstantial as we are both going through so much, but then we go back to not seeing eachother and it feels very half hearted. They had some unexpected free time and dropped in to conversation that they had made plans with it. They werent that far from me in the grand scheme of things and I had some child free time so offered to go and meet them and turned out the plans were already with ex friend. They were apologetic but obviously despite knowing I have had an absolutely horrific week it didn't occur to them to see if I was free. They were very quiet all week despite knowing all what I was dealing with. Others in the group have drifted and I'm not sure why, I have tried to reach out but didn't get very far. But again, they are all dealing with lots of their own stuff. I have some other acquaintances/mum friends but none I would feel comfortable reaching out to.

I am going through insane amounts of stress in all areas of life ATM and I just don't think I can keep enduring it all on my own. I have spoken to my GP who wasn't much help, I already see a therapist who is lovely and is really helpful but it doesn't change the reality of anything. I just want to feel like there's someone in my corner and there's nobody. I can feel the deterioration in my mindset and there are often times where I think I should just walk out the front door and never come back and that the kids would be better full time with their dad. I know I can't do anything stupid because it would mess the kids up for life but I'm often daydreaming about major accidents so that they wouldn't blame me for not being there. I desperately want to let someone IRL know how I'm feeling but I don't think anybody would actually want me to put that on their plate, I don't mean enough to any of them and then it's just something else they are obliged to deal with and I'll be told I'm using my feelings to manipulate again.

Ex knows I'm struggling but doesn't know the extent because I can't risk him using it against me. I just want to scream and cry and make it all stop. All my life I would have dropped anything and everything for someone in need without a second thought and the realisation that nobody is there to do that for me is so hurtful, and makes me question where I've gone so wrong in life.

AIBU to think nobody actually wants to help when the chips are down? Or is this unique to me because I've brought it on myself or something.

OP, your therapist is (hopefully) a trained professional whose job is literally to sit in difficult feelings with you. Whether or not you can see it, they are there with you, to the best of their ability. Everyone else you are asking way too much of by the way you have described it here it. It is as though you expect them to see your side and are pissed off that they might have their own lives. I would take some time to step back and reflect and have a look at what is going on. Take all of this to therapy, ask difficult questions of yourself there, ask how you have ended up in this space where you seem to be completely perplexed as to why no one is treating you how you expect they should.

I think with mental health and life struggles, we always crave this ‘ahh finally; somebody who can make it better’ moment but in reality there’s only so much anyone else can do. I notice people saying ‘nobody cares about me’ a lot; not because nobody cares, but because that silver bullet of nurturing they crave just doesn’t really exist. All we can really do is have a vent to them; all they can really do is listen, or offer to help in realistic ways if they can. Equally most people are going through something and need support in some way, and it does become easy for people in shit situations to believe they’re the only suffering one in their circle.

I’m sorry you’re feeling rubbish OP. To be honest though, you must have quite a descent family if they are letting you live in with them, especially when you say you don’t get on with them? I assume they feel the same in that it’s not ideal but they are still letting you move in with them. I think you’re lucky in that respect as that wouldn’t be an option for many.

You said you met some new friends last year but ime ‘rushed’ friendships aren’t always the best. I call them fair weather friends, all good and fun but no where to be seen when the shit hits the fan. It takes years to build solid relationships I think.

We all like a moan and to get things off our chest but I’ve come to realise that you are right, no one really wants to be there when you’re feeling at rock bottom. I don’t necessarily think it’s because they aren’t nice, but they’ve probably got a lot of shit going on in their own lives and they can’t commit to dropping everything.

I do have quite a depressing outlook in that you can’t really relay on anyone as that’s what life has taught me, so now I don’t have any expectations of people.

It sounds like what you really need is a good mum or dad, someone who will just hug you, care and hear you out. Do you have any older family members who are reliable? You may find that when it comes to the bigger things in life like this, family are stronger than friends. I'll send you a hug for now to keep you going.

I don't think the new friends and partner will work out. That's OK, you can make more friends, just step away as they are adding to your stress instead of helping right now. When the kids are with your ex try some fresh activities and use it more as distraction rather than trying to make friends; a little space to forget everything that's wrong so you can breathe a bit easier. The counsellor sounds a bit weak, so push harder for help or get a new counsellor. Good luck.

She is and she does an excellent job, I haven't actually managed a session for the last month due to poorly times emergencies.

I'm not in the least pissed off that they have their own lives. I guess I just didn't think someone checking in putting some/any degree of effort into a friendship or relatiot was too much to ask but maybe I'm wrong.

I completely get all that, I know none of them can fix anything, but like you say a bit of venting and just some conversation/distraction away from everything else is all I am hoping for.

I am very lucky for the practical support, however my relationship with them has always been strained since a small child. There was no warmth or emotional support, there wasn't a problem out there they didn't think could be fixed with throwing money at it, but ask them to talk about feelings or help with a problem and they wouldn't know where to start. Peace was and still is contingent on things going the way they planned so requires a lot of biting my tongue and treading on eggshells to avoid an issue. But yes, I am very lucky that they are willing to put a roof over our heads. I am hoping that there will be enough income left over after paying rent to put some aside to save to move back out in a few years.

You're right about rushed friendships, unfortunately all of the long standing ones fizzled out due to the lack of contact during my marriage so it's rushed forendships or no friendships really

I think you are right. People may be willing to listen to your problems once or twice but anymore than that and they start to see you as a downer they dont want to be around. Dont take it personally, although I know it's easy for me to say.

The truth is I think most everyone is like this. I think most people want friends for a bit of fun. They dont want to deal with heavy stuff. Probably because they have alot going on themselves and dont have the emotional bandwidth to take on others problems.

I'd end it with your new partner. By the sounds of it they're not that into you and are adding to your burdens rather than easing them.

Stick with therapy and join an exercise class or just start walking more. Honestly regular walks really helped clear my mind and ease my stress levels when I was going through my separation.

Agreed.

Am not quite sure what you expect from people, yes you are going through a hard time now, but when have you put in any effort with anyone that you are now expecting to help, support you, listen to you, advise you?

You dropped them all like hot stones, in favour of others, now you want to go back to them because you're alone and pick up where you left off (years ago in some cases) and expect them to be welcoming you with open arms? Not happening.

You need to accept that those relationships perished, you didn't nourish them, they died. You cant expect more than pasaing condolences and "oh we must catch up soon".

Instead get a hobby, start to put in some effort with some people, and maybe, just maybe you might save something but you cant go in and expect support from the off.

I'm honestly not saying this to put the boot in but: do you see that this comment is itself quite self pitying and manipulative? If this has become a default mode for you then yes, others will find it offputting.

I'm not expecting anything from my old friends, it's sad that we are in this position and I wish I had seen what my ex was doing but it's done now. Ive never asked for any support for them, I just had hoped we might be able to reignite old friendships for a bit of company and people to socialise with, but I accept that they don't feel like they need more friends.

I had hoped that the newer friends that I have been there for through break ups, work stresses and health scares might have been there for me but alas, not.

To be clear, I didn't let the friendships die through choice, it wasn't worth the repercussions at home for going out on my own with my friends, and understandably they got bored of inviting someone who never went to things. I don't blame them, I should have been strong enough to tell my ex that I was going regardless but he'd always manage to ruin it with sulking and picking arguments so it became pointless.

There's a big difference between feeling sad and disappointed that nobody is around when I need to not feel alone, and being the same in person. I'm not asking them to sit around and listen to my pity party, if anything it's the opposite. If you're going out, invite me along, I will let my hair down, have great fun, mingle and socialise, and for a few hours get to forget about all the other stress I have going on, that's what I want most really

I am so sorry you’re feeling this way, I am sending you big hugs 🤗 and 💐 xx

its time you want just someone to take that moment to say hi to think about you! To invite you out.

when someone has taken ‘everything’ away from you and you feel like you don’t have anything left you feel like you are at the bottom you have to start rebuilding slowly and you will, but it will take baby steps.

you will find you will choose different people to surround yourself with just take one day at a time even one hour at a time and at the end of each day remind yourself that’s another day done ! Don’t focus on what isn’t happening try and set small goal and focus on what you are aiming for these words come from being in your shoes xx sending love xx

I think you've had a misfortune in your new friendship group. Your fall out with one group member has caused a rift with the others, because she's the older more established friend. You partner has divided loyalty between you and her friend. It's all very unfortunate but not unusual when dealing with friendship groups, particularly as a newcomer. What you shouldn't extrapolate from that is that no other people ever offer support. There are some very supportive people around, it's just bad luck that in your time of need you lack the strong foundations of friendship that mean its on offer. If I were you I'd stick for now with support from professionals. Keep friendships light and fun and give them time to develop into something deeper naturally.

What do you think your old friends “had hoped” from your friendship including support for their own bad times when you were ignoring them in favour of your ex? You have reaped what you sowed. That doesn’t make you unworthy of support and friendship - you made a mistake and hopefully you will learn from it, like we all do. But new friends are not the same as old ones during times of hardship, and you are not their first loyalty. You can’t expect to be.

All you can do from here is try to make new friends. Focus on what your contribution to the friendship is and not what they can do for you. It will likely be a long time before you can really ask for support. In the meantime, work hard in therapy.

You're right, I'm sure they had hoped for more from me and I feel awful about it. The lesson I've learnt is not to let a man have that level of power over me again, so there is a silver lining. To be clear, I wasn't ignoring them, I did my utmost to stay connected remotely but I appreciate it isn't the same and I don't blame them at all, I should have been stronger.

Hang on in there, things will improve, they cannot get much worse and that's something.

Your friends/ex friends have moved on, it's hard to come back to old friends, we change all the time, you were in a abusive relationship. Friends are the first to be culled.

There will be new friends in your future, a new home too, you've come far and it isn't much longer.

Thank you. It's exactly that. I feel like my ex has taken absolutely everything from me, and I was simply musing that both groups of friends have said to reach out when I'm struggling but in reality don't actually want to be there when things are hard. I wasn't blaming any of them for that, they have no obligation to me and as many other posters have highlighted I shouldn't expect any of them to give a shit, but equally why offer/say it if it isn't true.

I wasn't expecting quite such a character assassination to be honest, but it's at least corroborated that this is a me issue and not a them issue, and that I'm doing the right thing in not letting them know how overwhelming everything is right now. If I make it out the other side of this and start over I shall be very sure to try and be better for any new friends and ensure I require nothing from them.

Sadly I agree with you. I was on a thread the other day about negative people and whilst I understand that no one likes unrelenting negativity I was saddened reading replies from people essentially saying that they have so little time for friends that they only want positivity from them. I've also seen a thread with loads of people claiming that they "talk" to ChatGPT because they don't want to bother their friends with their problems.

I think that mutual support through the bad times is an essential part of close relationship. I think that this view is dying out because of how busy people claim to be.

i think you’re getting a hard time on here OP. Your ex sounds controlling- and isolating you is absolutely a measure of control.

I wonder - did you have one or two old friends who you were especially close to?

I get the impression you talk more than you listen!
I am friends with people because they are funny and kind and fun to be around. And as part of that if they are going through something I support them as much as I can - to a realistic level. I am not friends with someone for them to just mindlessly dump their emotional baggage on me.

I'm curious as to what has led you to this conclusion, please could you explain? I obviously haven't listed all of my friends' difficulties over the last year as some would be outing and it's not my information to share with strangers, but I'm open to hearing if I'm missing something

I made the same discovery as you when I had a disabling injury, friends I had been there for countless times were not there for me. Coming to terms with my new life also included grieving these friendships. I found gym, regular massages, hairdressers gave me someone to vent too and brilliantly people, often strangers, had often been through similar and I felt a sense of understanding and community, which helped. I'm sorry things are so hard now, it will get easier and you will begin to enjoy life more.💐💐💐💐

it’s not a you issue, don’t batter your head worrying about why they are not there, you have enough on your plate to worry about things you cannot influence!

You WILL get through this not IF, it may take time but you will……but you must focus on the things that are worth focusing on not the small things that you can’t change or influence that’s just a waste of valuable energy xx

He has taken enough from you now it is time to dig in, dig deep and find some anger and let it power you on girl trust me a little anger used in a positive manner goes a long way 🥰