Having house guests when you're away

[Oshunokay]

We are away for a couple of weeks and some friends of DP have asked if they can stay for a few days.

I am typically a very hospitable person, people often stay and are welcomed. But I have a weird thing about not wanting people to stay when I'm away.

I know it's a control thing, I'm also very house proud, but it's just how I am. I definitely couldn't bear people sleeping in our bed.

But I know DH is unhappy with me about it. Am I being unreasonable?

Happy for people to stay in my house, and my bedroom. I don’t have territorial feelings

I would really prefer not to focus on them asking. They weren’t rude and it’s not the point.

Never in a million years would anyone stay in my home when I’m not there. I include my family in that too!!

Not in those circs, no. We home swap with friends abroad sometimes and it works because it is mutual and we have notice - I am quite private and I want time to put things away, swap linen and so on. If it was a no/short notice thing when we were already away I wouldn’t do it.

You really don't!

I've never had anyone stay at my house ever - let alone whilst I'm away.

No way Jose.

you shouldn't need to tie yourself in knots trying to work out your response.

your effort would be better spent trying to understand why your DP isn't supportive of your decision and talking that through with him.

don't buckle just because your DP feels they can browbeat you into a decision you aren't comfortable with.

is your home your's, your DP's or jointly owned? are you actually married (I notice you say DP and DH). That should be part of the decision making process. Please don't tell me it's your home and he's pressuring you. If it's his home and you're living there, then that could be a different conversation....if you're married that is also a different conversation.

I think you owe yourself some respect.

It's completely normal not to want people staying in your house when you're away.

The big question is why you would try to override your instincts.

It's quite rude to ask to stay at someone's house, it's normal to wait to be invited.

What’s the plan if they change the locks and don’t let you back in when you’re home?
A significant number property disputes between landlords & tenants are someone they knew & wanted to help.

I think your reaction is very natural
i would feel irritated (it’s not a hotel), put out, worried too they might be uncomfortable but without me there to resolve things, concerned things could be broken / damaged (our house for various reasons isn’t absolutely straightforward)

I’ll put it to you simply, unless you live in a known holiday hotspot, it’s a really odd thing to ask to stay at a friend’s house! And even then it’s an imposition

If I knew them well it wouldn’t bother me. I’ve stayed at friend’s houses when they haven’t been there too. A friend house sat fairly regularly when I had cats to look after. But you are allowed to say no, your feelings count.

I've stayed in friends' houses, they've stayed in mine, didn't really think twice. It depends on the people but if I've offered then presumably I know them well and I trust them not to do anything untoward. I wouldn't offer this to all my friends though.

I've also found that doing this kind of favour for people leads to them doing favours for you and generally strengthening the friendship.

I don't really have any default territorial feelings I suppose. I don't think anyone I like would poke and pry but when I think about it I don't really care. I'm not especially embarrassed at the idea of anyone seeing my underwear or medicine. I certainly wouldn't care if they had to go into my bedroom for anything. If there was anything I really wanted kept out of my friends' sight (I can't even imagine what this might be) there are such things as cupboards with locks.

I think the poster who was offended by someone leaving homemade food in their fridge was batshit - that's a nice gesture! We've had friends over to water the garden while we're away and always left a note saying there are beers in the fridge and snacks in the cupboard, help yourself to anything.

Same here. My brother and his wife sometimes stay here when we go away (we live by the sea) and I love this. But it's only them, though I would let very close friends do it if they wanted to.

As for whether the OP is unreasonable or not... you're allowed to set whatever boundaries you want, I guess. I'd be annoyed if I was your husband though, because good friendships with a spirit of generosity are important to me. It's certainly worth unpicking why you feel so territorial and what you feel you have to hide. In my experience the more you unpick feelings of irrational discomfort and try to lean out of them, the happier and more relaxed you end up.

I wouldn’t mind, plus the house is probably safer being occupied.

I would be honest and say I don’t feel comfortable with people being in my home while I’m away
dont let people make you feel that your opinion or feelings are wrong

I wouldn’t have emotional issues but there are definitely some practical issues

• how do they get and return the key
• do you have to tell them the alarm code
• what if they break something
• what if they leave the house in a state
• what if they leave something running and nobody knows till you get back