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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for claiming CMS for our ds he did not want?

12 replies

Sophiablue95 · 02/08/2025 20:56

Hi all,
Apologies for the long one. I was with ds (17 mo) for only 5 months. During that time he was very persistent and kept asking me to come off birth control which I never did.

We split up due to him cheating and a few days after, I found out I was pregnant. At first he wanted me to continue the pregnancy but soon after started demanding I had an abortion. I continued the pregnancy and didn't hear from him for the duration of it. He blocked me off everything.

Shortly after ds was born, he got back in touch and was visiting regularly (but would often cancel last minute). He was wanting to get back into a relationship and when I made it clear I would not but would co parent amicably , he disappeared. We haven’t heard from him for a year now.

I always thought it was best not to claim any child maintenance as he did not want our ds and because he used to make crude comments that I only continued the pregnancy because he was well off (he’s a GP). Also, he’s not from this country so there’s the added worry that if he was on the BC, he could run off with ds to his home country (which is a member of The Hague convention but quite a corrupt country). I know this is quite far fetched as he has disappeared but I worry he may change his mind in the future.

Over the past few months, ds has been getting recurrent petechial rashes (which they now believe is due to tonsillitis) . He has been to a&e 3 times for it and was admitted into hospital for iv antibiotics the last time. Each time, they have always asked if there is any blood disorders or haemophilia in the family history. When ds was admitted, I texted his dad to explain the situation and ask if there was any blood disorders on his side of the family so I could let the consultant know but he blocked me as soon as he read it.

He clearly doesn’t care at all and now I’m wondering if I should apply for the cms for ds sake. We don’t struggle but that money could go towards his future.

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
WrylyAmused · 02/08/2025 21:01

Yes you should apply for CMS.

He's a doctor FFS. If a doctor can't be held accountable for responsible use of contraception, who can?!?

If he then demands parental rights and to go on the birth certificate, just make sure you have DS' passport so he can't travel with him, and consider a prohibited steps order if you think there's a risk of him going abroad with him.

x2boys · 02/08/2025 21:03

Sophiablue95 · 02/08/2025 20:56

Hi all,
Apologies for the long one. I was with ds (17 mo) for only 5 months. During that time he was very persistent and kept asking me to come off birth control which I never did.

We split up due to him cheating and a few days after, I found out I was pregnant. At first he wanted me to continue the pregnancy but soon after started demanding I had an abortion. I continued the pregnancy and didn't hear from him for the duration of it. He blocked me off everything.

Shortly after ds was born, he got back in touch and was visiting regularly (but would often cancel last minute). He was wanting to get back into a relationship and when I made it clear I would not but would co parent amicably , he disappeared. We haven’t heard from him for a year now.

I always thought it was best not to claim any child maintenance as he did not want our ds and because he used to make crude comments that I only continued the pregnancy because he was well off (he’s a GP). Also, he’s not from this country so there’s the added worry that if he was on the BC, he could run off with ds to his home country (which is a member of The Hague convention but quite a corrupt country). I know this is quite far fetched as he has disappeared but I worry he may change his mind in the future.

Over the past few months, ds has been getting recurrent petechial rashes (which they now believe is due to tonsillitis) . He has been to a&e 3 times for it and was admitted into hospital for iv antibiotics the last time. Each time, they have always asked if there is any blood disorders or haemophilia in the family history. When ds was admitted, I texted his dad to explain the situation and ask if there was any blood disorders on his side of the family so I could let the consultant know but he blocked me as soon as he read it.

He clearly doesn’t care at all and now I’m wondering if I should apply for the cms for ds sake. We don’t struggle but that money could go towards his future.

Any advice appreciated!

You can't force him to be a dad but he doesz need to pay child maintenance apply for it.

EverybodyLTB · 02/08/2025 21:04

For what reason would you not? Absolutely get what your child deserves. Martyrs don’t get medals!

4naans · 02/08/2025 21:05

Yes of course you should.
He doesn't need to go on the birth certificate for you to claim CMS. Sounds like he doesn't even want contact.
Him wanting you to have an abortion is irrelevant. It's his baby he needs to contribute.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/08/2025 21:07

OF COURSE claim CMS. It’s for your son!! His dad is a complete arsehole, the least he can do is contribute financially. Do it now!

Original poster
Sophiablue95 · 02/08/2025 21:15

Thanks all. I will apply for it. I think what’s been putting me off (apologies for drip feeding!) is that he was a complete nightmare when he got back involved after he was born. He would blow up my phone and voicemails kicking off and turn up to my flat unannounced. I was constantly stressed out over it and when he disappeared I felt a massive sense of relief.

He also told me how his best friend (also a GP 😒) abandoned his child and when her mother applied for cms years later, he took her to court for 50/50 custody so he could get out of paying it. He laughed and said I would do the same to you if you ever tried to get any cms.

Finally, from doing a little digging into his social media, I think he’s moved to Germany. I can’t be sure but it appears that way. If he has moved away, would he still be made to pay cms?

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
youalright · 02/08/2025 21:29

I wouldn't id just want him out the picture. If you can afford to live without it. If hes involved he would be well within his rights to get 50/50 and also take your son out the country to visit his family which would absolutely scare the shit out of me there are so many kids missing in other countries who have been kidnapped like this its pretty much impossible to get your kids back

Menopausalmum43 · 02/08/2025 21:30

Unless you extracted his semen while he wasn't looking he needs to pay.

Theunamedcat · 02/08/2025 21:32

I would move first then claim if I really needed it

ARichtGoodDram · 02/08/2025 21:34

he has moved away, would he still be made to pay cms?

Germany is one of the countries on the REMO list

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad

ARichtGoodDram · 02/08/2025 21:35

Have a look at that link as the process of claiming is different if he lives abroad - there is a specialist department that deals with it.

Stephanie2018 · 02/08/2025 21:48

He sounds like a vileeeee narcissist how worrying that he is a GP! Claim all you can get from the wanker

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