To struggle to sleep when my 19 year old DS is out at night?

[BerryTwister]

I expect I’ll be told to get a grip!

DS is 19, nearly 20, home for the summer after 2nd year of university. He’s very sociable and has lots of friends, and like many young people goes out to pubs and clubs.

9 times out of 10 he’s sensible, and has several pints but stays coherent. But there have been a handful of occasions in the last couple of years when he’s got stupidly drunk - falling over, slurred speech, maudlin, argumentative, stroppy and sometimes very miserable. He never gets into fights, but if I’m around he argues with me, and is belligerent and frankly pretty vile. We end up barely speaking for 24 hours afterwards,

The rest of the time he’s a great lad - pleasant, working hard at a holiday job, helpful, doing well at uni.

The thing is, because of the times when he’s got stupidly drunk, I’m now completely paranoid when he goes out. I can’t sleep, and if I nod off I wake an hour later. I’m menopausal and I don’t sleep well anyway, and I work during the week, so weekends are my time to catch up on sleep. I find myself dreading him going out and feeling really resentful that I’m going to have a crap nights sleep.

Does anyone else worry like this? Am I weird because I can’t sleep when he’s out? That’s what he says, and he says other parents just chill out about it. I’m OK when he’s away at uni because I suppose I just adjust and disconnect to an extent. In view of the times he’s been in an awful state, am I entitled to be a bit grouchy about it? Or should I just smile and wish him a pleasant evening?

I feel for you so much. My DS travelled for a year around Asia and I did worry about him but nowhere near the worrying I feel now that he is back home. Meanwhile my DH sleeps like a log whilst I’m pacing the floor. He is almost 28

I’m much the same, not helped that DS’s mates/girlfriend/favoured night out is 15 miles from home and he thinks nothing of driving in the early hours.
He is a sensible lad, wouldn’t drink and drive, but honestly I just can’t sleep when he’s out.

It’s so much easier when he’s at Uni, when I have no idea what he’s up to…

I do understand. I have ds2 who’s the same age and rolled in at 3.45am.
I also understand people saying don’t make him feel guilty, which would be fine if it weren’t for the obnoxious behaviour. The reason you can’t sleep is because you don’t know what state he’ll be in.
Tell him if he can’t guarantee he’ll be quiet and respectful to stay at a mate’s house that night!

It’s a mum thing I am afraid. I am the same with my 21 year old son and my mum was the same with me. Strangely I am better when he’s also out with his girlfriend than just with his mates. When At Uni I am fine.

My late mum was like this when I was 17/18 (I'm 53 now!) and out with my boyfriend. She asked me if I could be home by 11pm as she needed her sleep (she worked full time and was up at 6am everyday to get dad off to work). I (mostly) managed it until I left home. Her house, her rules.
So, @BerryTwister, it's quite normal and your son needs to be a little more respectful of the person paying the bills.

This is really common. My mum couldn’t sleep unless we were in the house. My gran was the same, even when her kids in their 40s were visiting

Yes I felt the same,I used to worry on Friday and Saturday nights when he was away at Uni too. I saw it as a me problem, probably due to peri. I did get over it eventually.

Understandable to worry. DS was out yesterday for a day out with a friend. His friend wasn't allowed out longer than 7pm! He is 18😬 also he was only allowed out with DS on the condition he does not drink any alcohol. You what?! DS was baffled especially as they're both 18....

DS was allowed out til 9pm as he had to get a train home and there are idiots out on the last train at 11pm ish so that's why he couldn't stay out late. He was fine with why we set that particular rule since I do worry like you OP.

So stressful having adult DC!

I'm the same, think it's normal, nothing quite prepares you for it though.

I’ve often thought about telling him if he gets really wasted he’s to stay at a friend’s, but then of course I worry that if he doesn’t feel he’s allowed to come home, he might just crash out in a park or something!!

@BerryTwisterhe’s an adult. Ok, barely, but an adult nonetheless. If this was your dh coming in crashing about and being ‘vile’ and ‘argumentative’ people would be telling you to LTB. It’s not the going out that’s upsetting you, it’s the behaviour when he returns.

You are no better than your DS friends parent here. A 9pm curfew for an 18 year old is just as awful as 7pm. I feel so sorry for these young adults being controlled to such a hideous level.

People never think they're belligerent drunks, just silly or funny. Next time he gets that bad put your phone on record somewhere and get a bit of it. Wait until everyone is calm and show him what he looks like. You'll be doing his future partners a massive favour at least. And potentially him a favour of it avoids him getting into a bad fight.

I’m exactly the same. My friends too.

When they were at uni, I had no clue where they were or what they were doing. When they’re here, I’m lying awake until I know they’re home safe.

To be fair you sound quite immature and selfish now, like you haven't understood what she was going through. You getting to be out all night with no responsibilities was more important than anyone else. I mean, move out if you're old enough to be out all night and want to do it without anyone worrying! And then don't get married or even live with roommates who might wonder if you're alright at 3 am.

What a ridiculous response!

My two sons were reasonably sensible at that age but like most parents I did worry a bit when they were out at night.

I'm a life-long bad sleeper and doze on/off and when I awoke wouldn't know if they were in or out, so I told them that no matter the time they were to pop their head into our bedroom door and announce they are back. I was happy with that.

They're survived their teens and now in their 40s!

DS1 now has teens of his own and I expect he's going through the same thing

We had a genuine reason for him getting back at that time as we know what idiots are like after 9pm on that particular route...and he can drink if he wants to. I think it's his friend's parents who are worse than I am. I do worry but to control and phone when out with a friend is ridiculous. We just leave him be. Yet this parent said he better get to train station over the phone so he darted out the pub and legged it to the train station! Wouldn't even get a soft drink. To be controlled by a parent to that degree is very worrying 😟 DS ended up just finishing his pint and getting train back. Weird. Funny thing is the boy is off to uni but he will be staying at home as his parents said he can't live in student halls, he has to come home straight after lectures...we are not anywhere near as bad as that! That's ridiculous.

My dad could never sleep when my sister and I were out late as teenagers/20-somethings.
We'd creep in, and sure as not, a voice would pipe up, "Did you have a nice time? Did you lock the door?"

My DM was the same, didn't drop off until she heard us come in.
It's terrifying to think they won't come home, some idiot will attack them.
It happens, it is rare enough but still a worry.
My nephew is very fashionable, he is gay, my Dsis cannot sleep either, until he's home safe.

Yep, it’s so hard! And yet I don’t worry when they’re away at uni!

When young mums say how little sleep they’ve had. I just nod and smile and think “At least you know where your baby is in the middle of the night”

Definitely normal. It’s like a light doze until you hear the door go, then you can fall into a deep slumber.

What about when he’s away at uni? Presumably you don’t know if he’s out or not so you don’t worry about him.
But I’d have thought he’d be passed the falling down drunk phase and be more mature (my son did this a couple times at 16/17 that was it). He’s not respecting the household if he’s waking you all up. My stepsons often brought mates back to crash at our house but we never heard them (though figured it out by the empty fridge and bleary eyed youth passing through).
It’s a tricky time trying to treat them as adults when they are demonstrating on occasion how much they are not. But I think it’s perfectly normal to worry - you probably would if they were 30! .

I worried the first few times my dd went out drinking but now I just keep my phone on and go to bed as normal.

I tell dd to come in quietly and only wake me if she needs something!

When my youngest starting going clubbing at 18. I would offer to pick him up at 4 am when the clubs shut because he’d often be on his own wandering about. Every week I’d curse the fact that nightclubs shut at 4 these days and not 2am like in my day. Luckily he got a girlfriend soon after and stopped all the clubbing.