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Original poster

Husband won’t stop riling up daughter at bedtime

20 replies

JunieMoon · 02/08/2025 02:09

The title pretty much explains it! My four year old has gotten in the habit of asking my husband to come in and say good night to her again after we have already turned out the lights. Instead of giving her one more quick hug and leaving again, she asks him to lay down and play silly games in the dark (“Tickle me! Pretend we’re kitties!”) and he ends up being in there for 30 or 40 minutes every single night, while she gets progressively more hyper. Then he has to stay for an extra 20 minutes just to calm her back down. She’s not getting enough sleep, and mornings are becoming rough— and because of our work schedules, I’m the one who has to do the whole morning routine.

I’m at my wits end. Husband says that she needs him in there to help her get sleepy, but he is the one preventing her from falling asleep! Tonight she was yawning and drowsy when I left her bed at 7:50, and then he was in there making her laugh hysterically until 8:45. On nights when he’s away, I walk out of her room at 8 PM at the latest, and she falls asleep on her own by 8:15. Husband also says that this is how he bonds with her, and I am being micromanaging, but I honestly don’t understand why they can’t bond at literally any other time of day. Am I being too rigid? Or is this as annoying as I think it is?

OP posts:
Btowngirl · 02/08/2025 02:12

It would irritate me. However I do think bed time is usually the best quality time (it is in our house anyway!). Can’t he just do bed time early? Have her down for half 7 to allow 30/45 mins for him to mess around with her & asleep for 8/quarter past?

FrodoBiggins · 02/08/2025 02:12

It sounds annoying if it's impacting her sleep and therefore your mornings, but still sweet that he enjoys this time with her and vice versa, and unless he's doing it intentionally to annoy you (which you don't seem to suggest he is?) then it's coming from a place of love and wanting to spend time with her.
Sure this is very obvious and you'll have thought of it, but could you put her to bed an hour earlier?

FrodoBiggins · 02/08/2025 02:13

@Btowngirl posted at same time as you but agree

AnSolas · 02/08/2025 02:22

Yep solution is to send her up to bed earlier with Dad and leave the whole settling to him.

Noshadelamp · 02/08/2025 02:24

Can you change the routine so that it starts earlier with DH downstairs, then you do the bed time and calm her down?
Or something different to what is happening now, to allow the quality time with her dad but still get enough sleep.

NeedZzzzzssss · 02/08/2025 02:25

I'd leave him to it, at least he's doing bedtime and I don't think half an hour is massive. I think as mothers we tend to interfere too much (I'm the same)

BallerinaRadio · 02/08/2025 06:07

Another vote for just starting bedtime earlier and letting them have their time together then

MyUmberSeal · 02/08/2025 06:36

I think it all sounds very sweet. Another vote for just start the process earlier.

Didimum · 02/08/2025 06:53

Start bedtime 30 mins earlier to allow for the shenanigans. She will remember these bedtimes with her dad.

autienotnaughty · 02/08/2025 06:54

Either swap so he does his fun bit say 6-7 and you do bed time after. Or start bed time 30 min earlier so the time she’s getting settled is about right.

BertieBottsEveryFlavourBeans · 02/08/2025 07:06

I agree with the suggestion of starting the bedtime routine earlier if possible (although I appreciate that's not always possible, life is busy and our evenings just fly by) Could he go in her room and do stories or songs and lay off the tickling etc?

My dad was exactly like this and it drove my mum mad, but I used to love it when he would tuck me in and be the tickle monster. Great memories, not so helpful for a peaceful nighttime routine 😶

He's exactly the same with my kids now and as soon as he arrives my kids are all over him, never giving him a moments peace and he is playing with them and tickling them. Luckily he doesn't come around near bedtime!

SillyQuail · 02/08/2025 07:13

My DH usually plays with our DC (2&4) between dinner and bedtime, so that's usually when the roughhousing and tickling etc happens, then we alternate nights doing bedtime and stories, and once the stories are done we just lie quietly until they fall asleep (they share a double bed so we stay in there with them till they fall asleep). Tickling etc is still fair game until the stories are done, after that it's lights out and quiet, and they're both usually asleep within 15-20 mins. Maybe you could try a routine like this so they still have plenty of bonding time and silly time but it doesn't mean she goes to sleep later?

HarryVanderspeigle · 02/08/2025 07:33

As he is the one staying and not expecting you to then stay with a hyped up child, I would just leave them to it. Go and enjoy having some time to yourself in another room. But yes, start the process earlier of possible.

GRex · 02/08/2025 07:36

Having two bedtime routines is silly. Just send him up to do bedtime, but earlier. You can then get on with whatever and it doesn't affect sleep.

RainbowSlimeLab · 02/08/2025 09:03

I have the same problem. If DP isn't in the house I'll get dd in bed by half 8. Story and then asleep by 9. If DP IS here and I the wrong mood it's a struggle to get her in bed by 9, and when I get her there she's crying for her dad as I've spoilt her fun. And then, in the morning I have a child who is too tired and who I struggle to get out the door on time.

Vaxtable · 02/08/2025 09:24

I would put her to bed an hour earlier.

I would also be unavailable le to do morning routine and tell him he has to go into work later and he do it so he can see the impact

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 02/08/2025 09:27

Didimum · 02/08/2025 06:53

Start bedtime 30 mins earlier to allow for the shenanigans. She will remember these bedtimes with her dad.

^^ This

The solution is obvious. Just move everything forward.

Don't take away this time with her Daddy, they both love it and its seems like its important to her that they do this and he is right, its bonding time for them both.

hanste123 · 07/01/2026 10:46

You are her mother, you know best. He is being selfish. Yes they both love that time, but he is stealing from her wellbeing to get it.
Sleep is so important for her development and your sanity. And you are also important for her wellbeing. Why mess up a routine that is working? Can he not just take her to bed earlier? Or just do it on weekends when she can lie in? (Or pull a sickie and make him do the mornings). Good luck x

Tamtim · 08/01/2026 04:29

It’s you that has to deal with the fallout, so no, you’re not being too rigid. This seems to be a common issue with the parent who isn’t the main care provider. My partner started doing the same thing when mine were little. I had created the perfect bedtime routine and stuck to it and then he started using bedtime as their bonding time. As lovely as that was, it completely messed up my routine which was best for the kids and for me. As the parent at home with two kids all day, I needed a bit of wind down time of an evening which he agreed with. The problem was that it lead to one child getting up several times after being put to bed, therefore I never got any uninterrupted time to myself. My kids were with me 24/7 before starting school. It’s not fair on you. I don’t understand how they can be so blind to that.

Carycach4 · 08/01/2026 04:45

Also you don't understand the meaning of the word "riling". It means make someone angry not 'hyper' as you suppose

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