I need to grow up... but I can't.

[FedUp120028]

So..

My mum married my dad. My dad mentally ruined me and I just blame her for the way my life turned out. I can't help it, I look at her with disgust - she married a man and left me to rot WITH HIM.

When she'd finally had enough of her marriage she left him and knowing how he treated me she still left me with him. I can't help but look at her and think if her life choices were better my own life would have been better. I have poor relationships with men, have two children who with no paternal family etc etc.

Someone help me not blame her, because at the moment I can't forgive her.

You don't have to forgive her. But you also need to recognize that you do make your own choices. What type of therapy have you sought to address these situations?

Why is your blame all directed at her and not him?

Have you asked her why she left without you? Maybe it was the only way she could get away, maybe she tried to take you but couldn’t?

Did he abuse her too?
Have you thought of asking what her situation was? There could be a backstory, or not. But perhaps you need to talk to her.

OP I can’t say whether you are reasonable or not, but I could have written aspects of this post. Mumsnet in general is very ‘you are responsible for every choice you make after the age of 18’, but like you I feel that my adult life has been very shaped by things that happened before that, that were not my choice and not my responsibility. You’re not alone in how you’re feeling.

Why do you have to forgive her? She let you down.

And although it's right to acknowledge that you are now an adult who can make your own choices in life, it's unrealistic to think that our life decisions aren't heavily influenced by our childhood experiences. That doesn't mean that you can't break the cycle, but you can also acknowledge that your upbringing makes this challenging for you. And this is partly why therapy might be useful, if you are able to access it.

He didn't beat her, she saw fit to put herself first and not her children.

Abuse her? Sort of, not to the extent you might imagine. He wasn't very nice to her bit I was much worse off in terms of treatment.

I agree. Our childhoods shape our adult lives. Any discussion of personal responsibility should start with recognising this.

A failure to recognise this is actually an obstacle to moving forward successfully. If we are damaged by our childhood experiences, ignoring the damage and pretending that it does not exist and we have complete free will as adults to determine the course of our own lives is only going to end up in emotional damage and poor decision-making later on.

I think what gets more than anything is her refusal to take any responsibility in my upbringing and how it turned out.

If you’ve had a traumatic childhood then it’s not as simple as growing up. You’ve learnt things that need to be unlearned and that’s not always easy. You don’t have to forgive either one of them. You don’t have to have a big confrontation with either of them. You don’t have to have either of them in your life.

Having said that, at some point, you are going to have to address the fact that you’re now an adult and responsible for your own life and the choices you make, as well as the lives of your children. If you don’t break the cycle then, in twenty years, your DD will be on here, writing the same thing about you.

Have you thought about doing the Freedom Project? Have you had counselling? I also think NAPAC might be able to help you.

You can't change other people, only yourself.

Therapy will help but you have to actively move on from how much you dislike your dm.

That's what growing up is. Taking responsibility. You can take responsibility from right now to not let your childhood define or ruin your future.

YANBU to not want to forgive her. Has she even expressed remorse? Has she been accountable? The idea that forgiving somebody who isn't even sorry helps to heal you is a bunch of bullshit IMO, but what can help is acceptance that this is what happened to you, you can't change it but otoh you don't have to let it define you and rule your life.

What YABU about is that you seem to be blaming your mom more than you blame the man who abused you. I'm assuming she was at a minimum being mistreated by him based on what you've said. It sounds like she put herself first, which was wrong. She should have had your safety as her first priority. But he is ultimately the one at fault.
You may be being unreasonable to think you can't grow up because of trauma in your past, but since I don't know the extent of the trauma it's impossible to say. If trauma is extensive enough, it can leave a person severely damaged forever. Otoh, some people do seem to overcome it and live normal, healthy lives. Some people are just naturally more resilient than others.
Obviously, therapy could go a long way in helping you but perhaps that is not affordable for you. However, support groups for survivors of abuse are free. They can be very helpful. Look into that. I hope you can find some peace.

My mum left my dad when I was 13 and it took me years to forgive her. I barely had a relationship with her until my early twenties, when I was finally grown up enough to listen. My mum had a hysterectomy at 35, went through a very early meno and went a bit off the rails. My dad's response was to have an affair then we moved across the country and then she left. I blamed her. She wanted to take me with her and my dad wouldn't allow her, saying he would get the authorities involved as she was unstable etc, she had nowhere for us to live. My dad then was a crap father until I moved away for uni at which point he did provide financially for me. I got very close with my mum, speaking several times a day on the phone and seeing her almost every day until she died. I have tired to rebuild my relationship with my dad but I now realise he is just a very selfish man. He basically moved out of the house he got us after the split with my mum and moved in with his girlfriend. I was 15. I would come home to empty cupboards and no way to contact him. I do better by my child.

Parents who inflict harm on their children rarely reach a point where they apologize for the harm that was done. Even if they did, it would not change the childhood trauma.

You have to find a way to forgive your parents for being flawed people. You don’t forgive them for their benefit, you do it for your own. Forgiveness comes with the understanding that the choices they made were likely because of their own past and their own trauma. A little bit of perspective does wonders, not in excusing the behavior, but in making your own heart lighter. You don’t forget, you just let some of the pain go.

Then you realize that where you are now is the product of your own choices, some good and some bad. You can’t blame everything on your parents. What you can do is forgive yourself for the bad choices, learn from them, and make better choices tomorrow.

I hope you take the comments above on board that this isn’t a growing up issue, in that you can’t suddenly magic your feelings into a more adult/mature objectivity. You’re entitled to feel as you do but it would be a good idea to seek our therapy support to help you move on. 💐

OP, the only ones you are harming with your approach are you and your dcs.

My dm married a nasty, violent, racist misogynistic man, my f. Life with him was a misery until I escaped at 18. I never went back.

Like you, I will never trust a man, and never have a lasting intimate relationship. I can't help that, what's done is done. My dm didn't knowingly marry a creep. Blaming her now would be a bit like blaming a DV victim.

My dc have little relationship with their df and almost no contact with his family. But on the other hand, our life is full of such freedom and so many joys compared to my childhood.

We have a lovely home, a happy, cheerful, well fed, colourful relaxed home with music and fun. We travel and have holidays and treat each other with respect. Friends and family are welcome in our home. We have parties and small luxuries. I take huge pleasure in giving my dc the childhood I did not have. I regard us as genuinely lucky to have the life we do.

Why is having a resident man in your life so important? Does it matter? It is easy to have a great life without one. Why not focus on improving your life yourself, instead of waiting for some fictional man to come riding to your rescue. You are a much more reliable choice, and if such a man does eventually appear, well you will all be better off from your lone efforts.

Take care to enjoy the life you have now, with your children, today. x

Therapy (on the NHS believe it or not!) has really helped me come to terms with my upbringing and the resulting (non) relationship with my mother OP, I didn't think it would help but it did. I self referred into my local talking therapy service and did have to wait (about 16 weeks if I remember rightly) but it was 100% worth the wait. I had CBT initially (very helpful) and then re-referred myself a little while after that was finished for just some straightforward counselling to work through anything unresolved, both therapists were amazing and I genuinely feel in a much better, more peaceful place now. So I just wanted to say don't write therapy off because of cost, obviously waiting times for NHS services can vary area to area but it was nowhere near as long as I expected and has really helped me come to terms with everything.

This is something I also can’t get over with my parents. There is complete denial that they did anything wrong (one for being abusive, the other for doing fuck all about it to ‘keep up appearances’) despite the fact each and every one of us is/was completely fucked up into adulthood as a result. That’s what really stings. There’s hard evidence of the lasting damage, as well as us telling them countless times, but it’s all “don’t be silly, of course you weren’t abused”…

You don't have to forgive your parents. Unlike some posters, I don't see that as being necessary to you moving on. You may find it helpful in terms of letting go of the resentment and anger, but I agree with the poster above that it's more about getting to a point where you accept that you can't change others, only yourself, than forgiving them for being shitty and abusive. It's fine not to waste mental energy on wondering how they ended up so flawed that they parented you how they did, and instead take the view that they're not worth your time and energy and to focus on you instead. You don't owe your mum any type of relationship.

From the way you describe your mum, it seems like things might not have been much better for you if she'd taken you with her?

If you haven't already, I'd really recommend trying some kind of talking therapy. I used to think that kind of thing was a load of nonsense, but it really helped me get over some long-standing daddy issues.

What happens to us as kids absolutely shapes our future. I had a shitty upbringing.

However youre an adult you're responsible for your own decisions. You need to find a way to put this behind you. Have you tried therapy.

You need to try to draw a line under it all so you don’t carry all this resentment

easier said than done I know

maybe write a letter with all your frustrations to you DM thst you can’t say to her face. Either send it or burn it. Either way you’ll feel better

I’m sorry for what happened to you.

Surely your mum was also a product of her own childhood?

Forgiving has a strong and positive impact on the person doing the forgiving, it’s very powerful and healing. The fact don’t change, your mum let you down, walked away etc but forgiveness heals you https://apple.news/AfpyCB4ZHS7-99sPssBl13w