Only thing DH wants to do with me is have sex

[Bestofbothworlds19]

DH and I have been together over 15 years and are in our thirties. He’s always had a high sex drive and I’ve been fairly matched with him, up until having children five years ago. We’ve got two under the age of five and I do a lot of the looking after them and wake ups in the night. I’m exhausted quite frankly and my libido has suffered. DH works away and is home at the weekends only which gives us an hour together for two evenings by the time the children are in bed. The only thing he wants to do with me is have sex for these hours. I wouldn’t mind doing that one of the evenings then the next evening watching some tv and cuddling or just chatting without the kids around and enjoying each other’s company but he doesn’t want that unless there’s sex afterwards and will be grumpy with me if we don’t do that. We don’t have a lot of childcare but on the rare occasion we do get a couple of hours without the children, if I suggest a meal out or a country walk and pub lunch (for example) all I get is a roll of the eyes from him and a reminder of what he’d rather do instead. He sends me videos and memes of men’s reactions when their other halves surprise them with sexy outfits which is what I do sometimes as I know he likes it so I ask why he sends me these things and he says it’s so I can think to do it for him….but I already do that! He just seems so focussed on sex and while I’m glad he wants to do that, I feel a bit used and under appreciated tbh. Sometimes he can be so rude and stroppy with me during the day that I say to him I don’t feel like having sex when he’s spoken to me the way he has during the day which is when he’ll accuse me of ‘using sex as a weapon’ and ‘to get what I want’ when really I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to feel respected and loved and appreciated before having sex with someone, even if it is my husband of many years! Am I being unreasonable? Should I just be pleased that he wants to have sex with me as much as he does? I’m so tired I struggle to think straight sometimes.

He is being unreasonable. He's using sex as a weapon. If he knows you'll oblige then he'll be nice to you otherwise he acts like a grumpy twat.
I wouldn't be pleased he still wanted you, it's for his benefit not yours. Maybe if he did some of the drudge work you'd be more enthusiastic.

So he makes it clear that he’s not remotely interested in what you want or how you feel? He’s not supportive or helpful by the sound of it as you take the brunt of childcare or running the household. This doesn’t sound like a good partnership - it sounds like he’s just interested in you as a sex provider.

Sorry to be blunt but I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about his demands and coercion around sex. He is being utterly unfair on you.

Urgh, he sounds horrible and really selfish. So he’s happy to bang on about sex because he wants it - but what’s he doing for you?? Does he take you to pub lunch and out for a walk? No, he rolls his eyes. Maybe u should roll your eyes when he suggests sex?

He’s emotionally stunted, selfish, unempathetic. Not for me. You need to talk to him, tell him how you feel before your resentment and the Ick eat you up - and you can’t come back from that.

Yuk. Another one ruled by his sausage and what it wants. Pathetic.
Way to make a woman feel used, only be nice if she has sex. Don’t bother with date night when you can skip straight to the sex and save a fortune.

I had one of those types . I don’t now.

Sounds like he needs to walk a mile in your shoes. hes away, getting some solid sleep and only having to think of himself. He's a selfish person.

You both need a proper come to jesus chat before it kills off the relationship.

He sounds like a disgusting coercive rapist.

He is just wanking into you and truly doesn’t care whether you enjoy it or not.
Yuk.

It sounds op like he's actually quite self absorbed and can't see that you're holding Fort all week, he doesn't really understand how intense looking after 2 under 2 can be alone and can't see your perspective. You're more than just a mum and you're not a blow up doll. He still needs to contribute to the relationship in other ways, meaning he needs to listen and respect and create romance and support. Noone is going to want to have sex with someone who's talking down to them.

I agree there needs to be a come to Jesus sit down conversation about this when you're together, he knows it's coming and the kids are being minded elsewhere or this will just build resentment and kill the relationship. I'd actually suggest couples counselling as a possibility because it sounds like he will need this spelling out for him maybe even from someone neutral. Not that he should need that but it sounds like he has a tendency to undermine or dismiss you at best and gaslight you at worst so I think you need someone to almost referee that. Do you have access to your own money and savings?

I think in your shoes, next time he comes for the weekend, I'd be waiting at the door with MY suitcase. Then as I picked it up and walked out of the door, I would say, 'the kids are all yours for 2 whole days darling, then when I get home we can have sex'.

Then turn your phone off, check into a nice hotel, and let yourself sleep and relax. Maybe then you'll be up for sex when you get back. I wonder whether he will?😂

I agree with @Givenupshopping . Go awsy gor ghe weekend. Clear your head. Start giving yourself permission.

The problem isn’t just the sex. The problem is that there is nothing in your marriage other than sex. You need to take a hard look at your finances, your education, your work , and your friends because you need to build the world you want to live in. He isnt interested in growing a whole life with you.

Honestly he sounds awful. I know you've got little kids but as soon as possible I'd be getting the hell out of dodge. He sees you as a sex doll and has no interest in anything beyond that.

Do you work?

Fuck that shit. You’re not a blow up sex doll. He’s fucking gross.

Tbh if people have sex to relax, to reward themselves, he’ll be even more up for it after a weekend with two kids solo. I don’t think that’s a solution.

It’s not okay that he treats you badly if he doesn’t think he’s getting enough, when you’re having sex twice a week minimum. I’ve just been in a thread with someone who's having sex twice a year. To me that’s most of the issue - his inability to give you some penis-free space, and his sulky reaction if you say no. Agree that a bit of foot-down chat is called for.

So the second your DC aren't about he thinks it's time for sex but he has no other interest in you at all. He's a foolish man Op, you do everything when he's not there but he's supplying the money and little else. If he can't see you as a person in your own right I can't see this marriage lasting

I think that you need to sit down with your DH and explain how you feel about him, about yourself and your desires and about your priorities.

I (M) have had many years where I struggled to understand my wife and what drives her. We had many tough years where we were juggling children, renovating a big house (which filled almost every minute I wasnt working), her stressful work and me running a business which required long working hours and regular international travel. Exhaustion and stress were our constant companions.

Whenever I was having to motivate myself to keep going through the daily pressures I would think about how gorgeous my wife is, how much I would like to be cuddled up with her, feeling her, touching her and having sex with her. As a result whenever we did get a moment together, my number 1 priority was to have sex with her and I assumed that her mind would be working the same way and she would be thinking the same.

When I got pushed away I got frustrated and I really didn't understand how she could be going through the same challenges as me and yet didn't seem to see sex as the special relaxation and escape from the daily grind, the way I did.

I admit I still don't understand what she thinks about to get her through the tough times, but I have come to accept she doesn't think the way I do.

My guess is your DH gets through the daily grind when he is travelling in the same way, and doesn't understand you are different. Explaining this clearly - not just that you don't think the same way but also how you do think - would help a lot in bringing your DH around.

I’ve been married twice and had sex used against me by both exH’s, hence they are now exes and I’m never going to get partnered up again. So much more to life that that toxicity-I don’t need it any more and am so much happier.

if I suggest a meal out or a country walk and pub lunch (for example) all I get is a roll of the eyes from him and a reminder of what he’d rather do instead.

Time to return the favour I'm afraid.

He's a selfish twat.

ZOMBIE THREAD

the OP never came back to it.