Is this normal or is he a pest?

shoutabitlouder · 2025-08-01T15:53:48+00:00

After more than 10 years married I’m finding dh behaviour quite disturbing. we have 3 children the youngest just 9 months. He will randomly flash at me around the home and continuously ask me if we can do various things later which puts me on the spot and makes me feel quite uncomfortable. I feel like he has no boundaries, even when our children are awake and watching telly he’ll ask if I want to go upstairs. I know everyone has a sex life but is this normal behaviour or am I just boring? I think it’s the fact it’s every day and he constantly asks if we can do things tonight which makes me feel pressure so I agree just to change the subject as it makes me feel a bit cringe. Then he says he wishes I would instigate more but I just enjoy the peace when he doesn’t. He has always had a high sex drive but it’s the constant questioning about what and when that makes me feel awkward.

B1anche · 01/08/2025 16:56

Call me an old fashioned prude but I wouldn't say it is normal to have sex upstairs while the kids are watching telly.

He sounds a bit much to me.

Yetmorewifework · 01/08/2025 16:59

He's a sex pest.
He's pressuring you into sex, which in my book is both emotional abuse and sexual harassment at the very least. It's not a respectful way to treat your wife.
If this was your best friend or daughter telling you this, what would you be saying to them to do?

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/08/2025 16:59

Grim. Being "flashed at" in my home by my husband with my children in the same building would kill my libido forever.

You're not "boring" if you find a man straight out of the Benny Hill show a turn-off.

I don't know what to suggest, OP. I'm guessing he's always been like this?

TerminalMoraine · 01/08/2025 16:59

@shoutabitlouder
He should not be doing this in front of your children. It sounds like he has poor boundaries and maybe gets a thrill out of being inappropriate in from of your DC.
I would tell him clearly that he is not to expose himself around the house nor bring up the subject of sex around your young DC.
He sounds like a sex pest.

NovemberMorn · 01/08/2025 17:00

He sounds incredibly insecure to me.
No one wants to be mithered into having sex. Have a conversation with him, tell him his 'full on' behaviour is making you want it less not more.

Original poster

shoutabitlouder · 01/08/2025 17:07

He doesn’t do it in front the children, he’ll either text me or ask me in the kitchen or out of their hearing but he’ll flash at me when he knows nobody can see.

OP posts:

ithinkilikethislittlelife · 01/08/2025 17:07

Well I’m obviously in the minority here but it sounds like your husband finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you. The “flashing” (if not seen by the children obviously) sounds like he’s trying to have a bit of fun. It sounds to me like he’s trying to inject a bit of spontaneity into your life. If the kids are engrossed in tv a quickie behind a bedroom door may be his idea of fun. Benny hill humour can be funny in the right place if reciprocated. Little snatches of fun can keep the spark alive sometimes.

Original poster

shoutabitlouder · 01/08/2025 17:13

ithinkilikethislittlelife · 01/08/2025 17:07

Well I’m obviously in the minority here but it sounds like your husband finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you. The “flashing” (if not seen by the children obviously) sounds like he’s trying to have a bit of fun. It sounds to me like he’s trying to inject a bit of spontaneity into your life. If the kids are engrossed in tv a quickie behind a bedroom door may be his idea of fun. Benny hill humour can be funny in the right place if reciprocated. Little snatches of fun can keep the spark alive sometimes.

I get that and that’s probably why I asked. I just feel lately that I can’t walk past him without him whispering his intentions in my ear and it makes me feel more awkward than anything or if we’re in the car he’ll just wink and say “can we” when we get home which just makes me feel awkward if I am busy with the kids but o don’t want him to feel pushed away especially as he’s right I don’t initiate anything because he’s so full on.

OP posts:

Lauralou19 · 01/08/2025 17:18

This is not normal. Being flashed by your partner around the house is just wierd. If it was a playful one-off joke between BOTH of you (away from the kids and you both clearly were happy with the joke), then it wouldn’t be an issue. But if he’s doing it all the time, that’s just wierd behaviour. As others have said, sounds like he is insecure. What reaction do you do when it happens? Do you make it clear you find it odd? I agree with a comment above about it killing your libido forever.

takealettermsjones · 01/08/2025 17:19

What is it with these men... wanting sex is obviously fine but why would "shall we have a quickie" and flashing you his dick make you want sex? As opposed to you know, actual love, care, and intimacy.

Tiswa · 01/08/2025 17:21

ithinkilikethislittlelife · 01/08/2025 17:07

Well I’m obviously in the minority here but it sounds like your husband finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you. The “flashing” (if not seen by the children obviously) sounds like he’s trying to have a bit of fun. It sounds to me like he’s trying to inject a bit of spontaneity into your life. If the kids are engrossed in tv a quickie behind a bedroom door may be his idea of fun. Benny hill humour can be funny in the right place if reciprocated. Little snatches of fun can keep the spark alive sometimes.

Well yes you are and you should be Benny Hill humour is not a standard to follow at all

even with your trying to be on his side you are still encapsulating his view where is the OP and her wants in any of that

not normal and probably not as hidden from the kids as you think and a safeguarding concern

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 01/08/2025 17:30

ithinkilikethislittlelife · 01/08/2025 17:07

Well I’m obviously in the minority here but it sounds like your husband finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you. The “flashing” (if not seen by the children obviously) sounds like he’s trying to have a bit of fun. It sounds to me like he’s trying to inject a bit of spontaneity into your life. If the kids are engrossed in tv a quickie behind a bedroom door may be his idea of fun. Benny hill humour can be funny in the right place if reciprocated. Little snatches of fun can keep the spark alive sometimes.

It’s only fun if both enjoy it. OP doesn’t. That should be the end of it.

Hankunamatata · 01/08/2025 17:39

Urgh dh guilty of this. Its his way of trying to reconnect (after having counselling)

We had a chat, set some boundaries of what I find unattractive and has helped

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/08/2025 17:41

Ex DP was like this. And what he didnt get, and it sounds like your DH doesnt get either, is that constantly being pestered for sex makes you want it LESS. So the more he pestered, the less I wanted it, so he pestered more and I lost even more attraction......on and on the vicious circle continued.

It didnt matter how many times I tried to explain it to him, he kept doing it, be massively offended if I got cross or upset and would then say "I am attracted to you, why is that a crime?!" and totally missing the point. You can be attracted to someone without being a sex pest.

And, despite what some men seem to believe, the naked penis flashed at you isnt something that get most womens knickers wagging.

There were other reasons we split but this was the biggest for me. It was the biggest symptom of his overall personality as he was also thoughtless and selfish in other ways too......always what he wanted to do, always where he wanted to go. He would pay lip service to anything I wanted or said but it never lasted and I always got the feeling it was to keep me happy and shut me up so he would get a shag out of it.

CalzoneOnLegs · 01/08/2025 17:41

Is he secretly taking viagara🥏

CreationNat1on · 01/08/2025 17:53

Is he on any medication that might be increasing his libido?

Counselling to improve communication might be helpful.

YetanotherNC25 · 01/08/2025 17:54

It’s perfectly possible to have a very quick quickly when the kids are in the house. Depending on their ages obviously. There’s nothing wrong with him asking. And you can say no if you don’t want to.
Not sure about the flashing, it needs to be in context and appreciated. If it’s not tell him so.
If this is putting you off sex then you need to set some boundaries and tell him, otherwise he’ll keep doing it in the hope that it’ll work if that’s what he thinks flirting is.
Tell him what would work better for you - eg helping with chores more so you have more energy for later on. This needs better communication on both sides.

DirtyBird · 01/08/2025 18:03

My ex was like this. One time on vacation he pulled his wanker out and stuck it in my face... his kids were in the bed next to us. It turned me right off of him.

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/08/2025 18:32

ithinkilikethislittlelife · 01/08/2025 17:07

Well I’m obviously in the minority here but it sounds like your husband finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you. The “flashing” (if not seen by the children obviously) sounds like he’s trying to have a bit of fun. It sounds to me like he’s trying to inject a bit of spontaneity into your life. If the kids are engrossed in tv a quickie behind a bedroom door may be his idea of fun. Benny hill humour can be funny in the right place if reciprocated. Little snatches of fun can keep the spark alive sometimes.

vom

Daleksatemyshed · 01/08/2025 18:45

He's his own worst enemy Op, his continual pestering will turn you off more and more. How can he say you never instigate, he never gives you the chance to want to start anything

Buzzy1234 · 01/08/2025 18:50

What is preventing you from telling him to,stop?Are,you worried about his reaction? He sounds like a little boy asking his mum for a biscuit.

Suusue · 01/08/2025 19:45

Awful. My ex used to do things like thst all the time. He thought it was flattering!!!!!!

amillionandone · 01/08/2025 20:02

I'm afraid nothing will change unless you explain how you're feeling. If he knows what's good for him, he'll get over any awkwardness and try to learn what works for you (and what really, really doesn't). He has to be willing to take you seriously and not see this as an insult or rejection.

Whaleadthesnail · 01/08/2025 20:38

ICK