7 year old lying & stealing

[the7Vabo]

To be very worried about-

DS7 is lying, a lot, I’d say definitely everyday mostly denials but also some stories.

On top of this he has taken money. It came to a head today when he took a lot of cash to a summer camp, spent some & then gave the change to two friends also 7, both of whom told their parents & returned it.

It isn’t the first time he has stolen money to bring to a camp either.

Perhaps OTT but I feel like having a cry.

I told Im really upset but frankly he doesn’t seem to care that much.

He ask me yesterday if lying is so bad “why they started it”. I told him that as humans we have a choice to do the right thing or the wrong thing and lying is the wrong thing. But I can’t explain it better than that.

I’ve also told him adults end up in jail for stealing.

Im worried that we have f d up majorly as parents & produced a deviant child.

I have grounded him, but tbh I don’t think that fixes the issue as he doesn’t seem to get it.

YABU - you are overreacting
YANBU - you have a problem on your hands

Have you asked him why he steals? Get him doing an activity where he is comfortable and then just open the subject gently… Does he see others having stuff and it makes him feel he wants the same or something like that?

Have you considered making him ‘earn’ back the money he steals? Then he gets ‘paid’, but then has to hand back the money to the person he took it from. This way he begins to understand the correlation between hard work, money and how the process surrounding money works. also I would then make him continue to ‘earn’ money and when he wants something buy it from the money he earns, etc.

At 7 he is old enough to do some simple jobs round the house. This also develops his independence.

I personally think lessons around money are incredibly important for kids and I also personally thinks a punishment related to the ‘crime’ where they do something wrong hits harder and teaches far more lessons than just grounding a child or taking away their tablet or similar.

In the meantime I would also make access to things for him to steal incredibly difficult whilst you teach the lesson.

I’m not sure it’s really either of the two options you’ve given. I think it’s important to find the best way for each child to understand the point you’re trying to get across. I think your explanation was a really good one about having choices and understanding the reasons for making different one. You could maybe encourage him to ask more questions and work out from what he asks how will be best to phrase/explain things?
kids will test boundaries to the max as we all know, and just because he’s done these things does not mean he is destined to life with an ankle tag.
he doesn’t understand the consequences of what he did properly and doesn’t really get why it’s wrong from the sounds of things, I think once you can get him asking questions youl hopefully have more success. Try not to be too hard on yourself!

I think at 7 he would struggle with the concept of explaining ‘why’ he is doing it. I would focus on his feelings, how does it make him feel, every behaviour has a reason and it will be filling a need in him but he might not be able to directly recognise and explain this.
explore his feelings - is he trying to gain attention, is he having a struggle emotionally - are the adults around him stable and making him feel safe and secure? Does he struggle with impulse control and need some support around this. Is he struggling to make friends and feels giving money helps with his? I picking his feelings will help you to better understand the why and help him.

There are ways of teaching consequences that are age appropriate - he likely will not link the grounding as a consequence.
You could try reading a social story (there will be books on Amazon) together that links stealing with consequences that are relevant to him - such as losing friends etc. explore how would he feel if someone stole his favourite toy.

Be kind on yourself and him - he is only 7 and he will be using this as a coping mechanism to help him deal with something. As his parent you need to find out what. School will be able to help, chats with pastoral care.

The punishment needs to correlate with the wrong doing. I have an almost 8 year old who has pushed boundaries but we have nipped behaviour quickly.

Examples

Asked if they had put tablet away - said they had - they had in fact hidden it to use when in bed - tablet was removed, explained why lying is not acceptable and they lost use of devices for 24 hours (they were 6 at the time),

2nd example, took money out of siblings money box and hid in bedroom. We explained why stealing is not acceptable, talked about why they stole (jealousy of sibling having more) talked through birthday money and when they had more etc, consequence they had to give £2 out of own money box to sibling.

Each time there is an incident we talk it through, what they were feeling, why they did it and better ways to deal with those feelings.

Each time there must be a consequence but it needs to be relative and within a time frame that allows the action to be associated, so no point in saying... santa wont come, cause that is too far in advance, they wont remember that something they did 6 months ago means santa hasnt turned up.

Have to do chores to make up how much they took.

Removal of device, computer etc for a set period.

They dont get the usual weekly treat, whatever that might be

Write a letter of apology

Support them to think of a consequence

They also need to be reminded why they have the consequence, and once they have made it up, praise for completing consequence then move on and continue praise and reward for positive actions and words

You want the child to realise that doing positive gets them alot more than negative

Did he have money to spend at the camp anyway?

My Gs's friend took £300 which had been left on the table and gave it out at school ! He was 6 and having a difficult time with bullying at school .