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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend always cancelling last minute

7 replies

bookishwalkingmum · 01/08/2025 01:06

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off here, I just wonder how other people would handle this. My friend often cancels things last minute (day of or night before whatever we are doing). So far I've always wanted to say something but have thought what's the point in giving her grief, it's obviously just the way she is, even though I've been pretty inconvenienced by it in that I've had to go to something by myself that I wasn't really comfortable with being alone at or I've turned other things down and then missed out because we had planned something. She has younger kids than me so lack of babysitting is usually the excuse but to be honest sometimes her other excuses are kind of lame and I get the feeling she just can't be bothered that day.

So today she cancelled on me for an event she knew I was looking forward to and knew I didn't want to go to alone, plus I had thought I might invite a few other people but she'd said she really wanted to catch up, etc. so I didn't invite anyone else as back up in case she dropped out. Again, it was a pretty lame excuse and she only told me when I contacted her about what time we were meeting. Now I'm thinking if I just keep saying "oh it's fine, I understand" she'll never realize that this is not a good way to treat people. I'm a bit non-confrontational though. Or I suppose the other option is just don't make plans with her where I'm really relying on her to turn up? I guess people might also say she's not that great a friend so why bother but I don't think I'm ready to just forget the friendship.

OP posts:
BakingMuffins · 01/08/2025 01:15

Stop making plans when it’s obvious she has no intention of going.

PalePinkPeony · 01/08/2025 01:23

I’ve had two friends who did this to me. Turns out one was suffering from extreme anxiety and before the event really wanted to go but as it drew closer just physically couldn’t bring herself to go because of severe anxiety that she was being treated with (only found out later)
So she made up excuses why she couldn’t go. Sometimes she would cancel literally 1/2 before she was due to come round after I had got myself ready and make up and hair done.
Another friend was just really flakey and cancelled 80% of the time on the day. I’m afraid I stopped organising anything with either of them. The flakey one I decided to distance myself from and the one with extreme anxiety I met a few times during the days for coffee and we talked a lot and I tried to help her through but didn’t arrange any bigger things with her. She’s come through it now thankfully

BlondieMuver · 01/08/2025 01:32

Not sure what your AIBU is?

suburberphobe · 01/08/2025 01:39

I wasn't really comfortable with being alone

There's your problem right there.

Doing things alone is really great instead of being in thrall of people who let you down.

You're in charge of your OWN life.

She's not your friend if she keeps on bailing on you.

Kind of a "back-burner" friend is how she sees you.

You deserve so much better!

Sending you a hug.

MsAmerica · 01/08/2025 02:38

It's not much of a friendship if you can't be direct with her. I wonder if assertiveness training still exists - maybe that's what's called for. Nobody respects a doormat.

Isitreallysohard · 01/08/2025 02:43

Just tell her next time she makes plans with you.

ItIsFoggy · 01/08/2025 03:18

I've met people like this. If I wanted to stay friends with them, I did it this way:
Only book things that don't cost money if they cancel (nothing ticketed in advance, no restaurants).
Only make arrangements with them when it really doesn't matter if they cancel as I lose nothing (walks in parks, coffee without a pre-booking at a cafe, shopping, going to each other's home).

In the end, I'd wonder if they really wanted my friendship and probably take the hint.

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