To think that if someone is an “easy target” and is deemed by others to have said or done “something wrong” - this can be the perfect storm for bullying ?

[ThreeCooks]

My friend was apparently bullied in school although I didn’t see this as we didn’t go to the same school.

i asked him what he though led to bullying in general - i asked him was it someone with no friends who was particularly vulnerable ? He said “not exactly someone with no friends” - but someone who’s unsure etc.

I read somewhere that people who are seen as ‘different’ in some way can be more vulnerable to being picked on - but if they’ve also got a strong personality - they can often escape bullying - presumably as they can gain respect in others’ eyes.

From what I’ve seen - being quiet and lacking confidence/shy CAN increase the likelihood of bullying although some who fit this description manage to escape it, luckily. However from what I’ve seen -? if a person who lacks confidence /awkward etc is deemed to say or do the ‘wrong’ thing -,that can create a perfect storm and can really increase their likelihood of being hounded by others. I’ve seen this happen in work amongst adults, in school amongst children etc

For instance when I was at school there was a ‘quiet’/ people pleasing girl who had a rumour spread about her that she engaged in a sexual misdemeanour and she was hounded by others within an inch of her life for this. Another bloke in work is very quiet she a bit awkward and one of the more ‘confident’ young women seemed to take offence at his manner towards her on one isolated occasion and it then seemed to me she used this as an excuse to MASSIVELY hold this against him, as it were.

By the way I just wanted to make a disclaimer that I don’t necessarily equate being quiet with lacking confidence- plenty of quiet people have a lot of inner confidence and seem consequently more adept at navigating social situations.

AIBU to think there’s some truth in this? I’d be interested to hear others’ opinions.

It's not actually clear what you're saying. That a certain type of quiet person is a bullying target? That someone who says 'the wrong thing' (meaning what, exactly?) is a bullying target?

Yes - the sort of examples I gave basically - like let’s say I obviously lacked confidence but you felt I’d insulted your new haircut - for example - some would think that would make me the perfect target for bullying - a quiet/shy person who’s said the ‘wrong thing’

I just think that a typically underconfident, shy individual is highly unlikely to say anything at all likely to be construed as a negative remark on someone else's new haircut. If anything, they're likely to be people-pleasers so as to avoid attracting negative attention.

I think it's a perceived weakness that aggressive people sense in others. You can be silent and resilient with a no-nonsense attitude and give off a stoic or confident energy, and a domineering person will sense that and think it's too much of a hassle to deal with. A bully can test this in small, covert ways towards a person in some way, shape, or form before committing to or moving on from them.

Gavin DeBecker's book The Gift of Fear is highly recommended.

Thank you yes this is so true

I think some people need an emotional punchbag and a person who is passive and unconfident will be perceived as an easy target as they won’t bite back. It’s horrible.

I read somewhere that people who are seen as ‘different’ in some way can be more vulnerable to being picked on

Sophie Lancaster is a perfect example of this but people with disabilities have also traditionally been picked on. I remember this poor girl at college, she must have been autistic, and these girls got her essay and threw it out of the window. She was begging them not to but they thought it was hilarious.

You can get bullied for anything, a friend of mine was bullied relentlessly because he was English. He sued the company and they were doing things like pulling out his chair when he went to sit down and deleting his work files.

Someone at primary school was bullied because she was neglected. Students used to run away and scream that she had fleas. I've also known people bullied because they were good at their jobs or good looking.

unfortunately true

Yes that’s the thing - bullying can literally be for anything !!

Do you think bullies know they are bullies?

I’ve read this response again - thank you - it’s very interesting I think and has definitely given me food for thought

Yes, I do

Absolutely all of this. They have done studies where they asked criminals who have committed violent crimes to watch a bunch of random strangers walking around town. The criminals all picked out the exact same people they would pick as victims if they were going to steal from them or attack them.

This is NOT to victim blame anyone btw, but it shows that your even just your body language (if its shy, hesitant, fearful and unconfident) can mark you out as someone vulnerable to a predator even before you've said a single word.

Thanks so much for this it’s so helpful

More info here OP: https://www.bostonkravmaga.com/blog/criminology/that-grayson-and-stein-study.html

ah thanks so much for this link!

Ah just read this - really interesting 👍

We have a horror of a bully in our workplace and I often wonder if she knows how vile she really is to certain people. She has several "friends" in said workplace. I have spoken to senior people to no avail. I only speak to her if necessary, she would not dare say anything to me though because she just "knows" who to target.

Ah I know only too well that she “knows” who to target - I’ve seen this phenomenon play out sadly many many times