Feel like giving up with my family

[whyohwhycanttheygeton]

I really am at my wits end! Have 3 children dd14, ds12 and ds9 and they just don't get on!!! It breaks my heart- when eldest 2 were younger they were best friends but now I am delighted if they have a civil conversation.

Ds2 is physically disadvantaged ( has medical issues that sometimes limit mobility) but almost rules our house. Having DS2 with his medical issues, changed the whole dynamic of the household . And thats all my fault- I was in hindsight over protective ( though to a large extent had to be) and maybe spoiled him to the determinate of the older 2

Now DS2 is so intolerant of DS1, he screams at DS1 when he enters the room- says he hates him, but I can genuinely see no reason except jealousy .DS2 is at the age he knows he will never be able to physically do what DS1 does and seems to blame DS1 for this ( my amateur psychology there) .DS1 admittedly can deliberately be annoying by farting ( what teenage boy doesn't find that funny) and being a twit by singing but nothing malicious or mean. If anything he actually helps DS2 even though he gets abuse

I feel broken;

• every time I reprimand DS2 he says its because I prefer DS1 .

• DS1 is so disorganised and messy and doesnt seem to be able to plan anything,! He can get so angry when he feels criticised but DH ( tidy freak) finds it hard to not point out ( understandably) when DS1 leaves a constant trail of destruction behind him. Arguments every night
• DD gets reslly emotional and cries when there is shouting, saying she wants to move out

I appreciate I have possibly over compensated with DS2 because of his disabilities and fact he spends most days in some degree of pain, but I now just feel like crying every day because i feel I have fucked up my eldest 2 children's lives. Everyone argues all the time.

Feels radical but rather than spend money on a holiday- should I cancel and instead spend money on family therapy??? Is that better for us long term or will it cause more resentment???

Never had any counselling but maybe will help youngest with accepting his physical limitations which will stop issues with his bother? Also hopefully address how DS2 speaks to me and DH ( his dad)

I have taken a year long sabbatical from work to focus on sorting the family dynamics ( i usually work 5 days a week and quite long hours ) but one week in I am dreading the rest of the time

Help

Individualized counseling may be beneficial without knowing the specific details. Still, I would caution that the provider be thoroughly vetted because a bad counselor will cause problems that will ripple across decades. Please do your due diligence and meet with them one-on-one to ensure it's a good fit.

I don't recommend going through the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. Family counseling will typically turn into a blame game. One member of the family will act like everything is perfect, another will be on their best behavior and agree to everything recommended but never follow through, one will be a shell of a person just trying to get through the meeting, one will be rebelling against, and another will be antagonistic.

Who in your support network can help you through this difficult time?

What does your pediatrician recommend?

Bless your heart, Mama, you hang in there

Family dynamics can be so tricky! And it can be hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in the thick of it, especially during the summer holiday.

From what you've said, there seems to be a few things that you could potentially do yourself while you're on sabbatical.

DD is very much in the puberty years, and is likely to be emotional regardless. I'm not minimising her distress, but hormones will be playing a role. She's also at an age where it is developmentally appropriate for her to start detaching from family and her peers are becoming more of an influencing factor. It sounds like she would benefit from less shouting and conflict in the house and maybe more time just with you, or time at activities with her friends (without knowing what you currently do each week, this might be more about the balance than any major routine changes).

Your middle son having trouble with planning and organisation, that is leading to conflict with DH can be helped with that. First off, could DH accept that this is something he struggles with and it is not something that everyone is innately good at? Rather than a behavioural issue it might just be part of DS and needs to be accepted as part of the package. DH could help hugely here by knocking the conflict off. This will increase peace for everyone. I'm not blaming DH, but this is an area that is in his control, and as the situation is serious enough that you've gone on sabbatical, this is something he could really help with. Not suggesting DS has a ND condition, but everyone has different strengths and challenges, so you might find some strategies that ASHD sufferers use around tidying and organisation helpful for him to develop some ways to manage this better.

Overall, spending time while you're off either each if the children individually to help them feel seen and understood as different people will pay dividends. It's all about the relationship and connection.

You've identified that you might have been putting more focus on youngest DS, and how this might have negatively affected the overall dynamic, which is a useful insight.

Family therapy might help, but as PP have said, it can be extremely tricky to get right. You might consider a family therapist to work with you to support you while you work on your family issues might help more.

Might holiday money be used to do something tailored to each child individually be a possibility? (obviously this relies on childcare for the others).

I used to be horrible to my younger brother when we were little, but we get on really well now as adults (he even lived with me whilst studying at uni). It could just be a phase.

Something I would add that might help you to reduce your own overwhelm is that conflict is a really normal part of family life, and an important part of development. Whilst reducing it when it is taking over is good, avoiding conflict isn't necessarily healthy, its more about the resolution and repair afterwards.

Also, having taken time out of your work to focus on this, you may have some negative feelings about having felt that you've had to and you need to factor your own emotions/beliefs into your work on this. Don't compare your family set up with anyone else's and beware of an imagined picture of ideal family life - beyond safety and compliance with the law there are no rules, every family is unique in its positive and negative traits, as we all are as individuals.

How are things today?

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond here. Some very good advice- really appreciate it!

I have made plans to spend time with each of the kids individually , they get to pick the activity so its something they really enjoy . I am going to focus on spending time having fun with each and hopefully this will then create an atmosphere where we can start including each other in more.

Also have joined a gym so I have space to get my own head straight and get rid of frustration.

DS2 has an appointment with a psychology to talk through his feelings about his condition , will also see what they recommend.

Am feeling more positive that we can get through this!

That sounds very positive OP!