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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Domestic incident

24 replies

FirstTimeMama21 · 30/07/2025 16:44

Hi,

Looking for a bit of advice/information, especially from anyone who works within the legal sector.

A few days ago, my ex partner and I were arguing. Quite badly. To the point where someone (a neighbour or passer by) knocked on the window and warned him to get away from me. This person then called the police.

I had already left the property at this point but returned when an officer called me.

My children were in the property, distressed and confused. I wanted the situation to be be over and so I told the officers that nothing had happened other than a verbal argument that was my fault and that I had left the property to diffuse the situation. They asked me to sign a statement to confirm this.

I have since found out that when they spoke to my ex partner, he had showed them a bruise on his arm that he said I had inflicted. This is untrue. I was upset by this but didn't think anything else of it until today.

I have found the officer's card with a crime reference number. I wasn't provided with a card or a reference number. They took my phone number and said someone would call me in a few days but I'm yet to hear anything.

Is it normal to receive a crime reference number for a domestic incident even if it's just a verbal argument? Has he received a crime reference number because of the bruise he showed them?

Basically, is the reference number related to the call out or is it for the 'crime" he says I have committed by bruising his arm?

Thanks if you've read this far!!

OP posts:

samplesalequeen · 30/07/2025 16:47

Sorry but if my partner lied to the police about a domestic incident that could see me land an assault conviction I would leave him. That is truly awful. What was he thinking lying to the police to ruin you?

obviously arguing (verbally) is never great but we’re human and it happens but what your partner has done is unforgivable

ToInfiniteaAndBeyond · 30/07/2025 16:47

How did you find this out if not from the police? And how on earth did you ‘find’ the police officer’s card with a crime reference number that presumably was given to your ex partner - surely you haven’t been back to his house since this happened?

ToInfiniteaAndBeyond · 30/07/2025 16:48

samplesalequeen · 30/07/2025 16:47

obviously arguing (verbally) is never great but we’re human and it happens but what your partner has done is unforgivable

It says ‘ex partner’ right there in the second paragraph…

SummerInSun · 30/07/2025 16:51

Oh dear, so sorry this happened. But this is why you should tell the police the truth initially, or at least just said that you didn’t want to make a report. On the record, they now have an allegation of you abusing your ex and a false statement from you that nothing happened. You’ll have to explain that was untrue if they follow up. With luck they didn’t believe your ex, especially as the third party report presumably indicated you were the victim, and police are better trained now about cooercive control and women being afraid to report violence against them. Hope you are OK - sounds like you re better off without him for sure.

samplesalequeen · 30/07/2025 16:52

ToInfiniteaAndBeyond · 30/07/2025 16:48

It says ‘ex partner’ right there in the second paragraph…

Show quote history

Apologies! Reading this and answering teams messages 🫣

still why is he trying to ruin you? This is awful OP.

GoldDuster · 30/07/2025 16:56

Contact Women's Aid for advice. The focus should not be on the crime reference number, you and your DC need help with the bigger picture, please seek some.

BelleDeJourRose · 30/07/2025 17:08

Poor kids

Thelittleweasel · 30/07/2025 17:27

@FirstTimeMama21

Sadly - as someone else mentioned - you too lied to the police. I would be tempted to go to the police station and give a statement [saying you were too frightened earlier].

RoadAtlas · 30/07/2025 17:30

Is he trying to push the domestic violence angle so you don't get custody of the kids or similar, OP? Social services take a very dim view of domestic violence, if he can get it to stick you might have very big problems here like not being allowed to live with your own kids.

Gilead · 30/07/2025 17:34

It is likely you will be charged at some point. I was given these when (now ex) was taken away for abuse. He will be using this to manipulate you in the future. Inform the police asap that you wish to make a statement.
if the children aren’t his, cut ihim out completely.

Original poster

FirstTimeMama21 · 31/07/2025 00:07

I will be charged? With no evidence? Surely not?!

What will happen if I go to the police station and make a statement now?

OP posts:

Seasalt60 · 31/07/2025 00:41

Your ex has presumably made a complaint against you and claimed you bruised him, but it doesn’t seem to be a top priority for the police to investigate as you haven’t been arrested and social services have not visited. There is no evidence that you inflicted the bruise. Your ex could have inflicted it himself to incriminate you. The only evidence is that you told the police there was a verbal argument and you took the blame for the verbal argument, signing a statement confirming this.

If you are interviewed under caution the options are that the police take no further action or they refer the matter to the Crown Prosecution Service for advice about whether it is in the public interest to charge you. You will not automatically be charged. You should post this question in Legal Advice though, I am not a lawyer.

If you are interviewed you should take a solicitor with you and give a full account of what happened. You have unfortunately admitted fault for the bad verbal argument your DC witnessed. There is also a witness who called the police and told your ex to get away from you, suggesting that the witness thought you were at risk.

See a family solicitor and make sure that you do not meet with your ex partner in the same house again. It is damaging for the children and there are ways of him having contact, if they are his children, that don’t involve you being in the same house as your ex partner.

Clarinet1 · 31/07/2025 00:56

If the police were concerned about the bruise I wonder whether they would have wanted your ex examined by a doctor or to have the bruise photographed. Also, if this had been done perhaps it would have been possible for a doctor to give an opinion on how the bruise was caused and how long ago which might then disprove the Ex’s claim that the OP was to blame.
On the other hand the police may have thought that, as long as the couple stay apart, there was no need for further action at this point. The crime reference may have been in case it was necessary to link this incident to others in the future which may not occur.

Anonentity · 31/07/2025 01:45

He got a crime reference number because he reported a crime while you were out walking.

Do not leave this to fester. Call the police and set the story straight.

MolluscMonday · 31/07/2025 01:54

Those poor kids.

Britneyfan · 31/07/2025 02:50

Hard to know if the crime reference number relates to his domestic abuse if you or your fictional domestic abuse of him. But I would also urge you to set the story straight with police especially now you know your ex has said this. It’s a common abuse tactic of abusive men to argue they are the ones actually being abused unfortunately. With better education around domestic abuse there is less chance he will be believed given the circumstances and it’s not uncommon for domestic abuse victims not to give the whole truth to police for a myriad of reasons, including fear of the abuser especially if you were questioned while he was there listening in. So don’t worry too much about the fact you said this initially, it’s a shame you signed something taking responsibility but especially as you have kids it’s worth setting the story straight as soon as possible to avoid any future knock-on issues as much as possible.

PennywisePoundFoolish · 31/07/2025 03:03

Don't forget a passer-by/neighbour saw enough to knock and tell him to leave you alone and call the police. Hopefully they left details as this will be a useful witness for you.

Tablesandchairs23 · 31/07/2025 04:08

If it was several years ago. Why do anything about it now. Obviously the police didn't take any action

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 31/07/2025 05:38

FirstTimeMama21 · 31/07/2025 00:07

I will be charged? With no evidence? Surely not?!

What will happen if I go to the police station and make a statement now?

Why do you think there is no evidence? There is a documented injury to your ex partner, a witness that saw you arguing, your statement that you have no injuries and your ex partners statement that you assaulted him.

You really need to get advice asap. Speak to women’s aid, do the Freedom Program and ideally the police to explain you were too scared initially and wanted it to go away.

Your ex partner could be up to something whether it be to discredit you in terms of who the children should live with or he is just happy for you to be charged with assault!

Having these sorts of domestic situations with children present is so damaging for them. Please get help for their sake. Good luck.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 31/07/2025 05:40

Tablesandchairs23 · 31/07/2025 04:08

If it was several years ago. Why do anything about it now. Obviously the police didn't take any action

OP says days not years.

Dippythedino · 31/07/2025 05:52

Did you touch him though? In the heat of an argument, people can't always control themselves. Can you categorically say that you didn't touch him or have any recollection of it.

It doesn't look good for you because you've lied to the police & you also left your kids in a distressed state. I would have left with my children, I wouldn't have walked out on them.

Lurkingandlearning · 31/07/2025 07:35

I wanted the situation to be be over and so I told the officers that nothing had happened other than a verbal argument that was my fault and that I had left the property to diffuse the situation

I’m confused. It had only been a verbal altercation hadn’t it? You hadn’t touched him, he’d just lied and said a pre-existing bruise was caused by you.

Unless I’ve missed something I don’t see why people think you lied to the police.

The card and crime reference number were probably issued as procedure because there’d been an allegation of assault. Police training for domestic abuse seems to have improved. They are now aware that victims might initially minimise or deny what happened because they are afraid and not just of their abuser and “pay back” for speaking to the police. They are also afraid they won’t be believed or what involvement social services will have if they are believed. The police understand this.

Rather than being in the dark about what is going on and when you will get a call from the police, I think I would rather go to the police station (if there is one) and explain that, now you are calm and safe, you think you need to add to your statement.

An argument is seldom one person’s fault. Your readiness to say that argument was your fault makes me wonder if you are made to feel everything is always your fault, or you feel you need to say it is to stay safe. If so, you need to tell the police that.

Also, I don’t think a bruise would actually form in the timeframe you described

Original poster

FirstTimeMama21 · 31/07/2025 10:53

Thank you for all your replies.

The add a little clarity, the argument was more than verbal on his part. So in that sense I have lied.

My children were asleep and not in distress when I left. They were scared when the police arrived. I knew this and so I went straight back to the property when the police called me.

The bruise my ex partner showed them was a few days old. As far as I know, he told the police that we had had a verbal argument but as he felt like he was being accused of more, he then showed the bruise. I'm guessing as a way of saying that even though violence hadn't occurred that night, that I am the violent one.

Also, this is not usually a volatile or violent relationship.

OP posts:

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 31/07/2025 20:02

“Also, this is not usually a volatile or violent relationship.”

Well it is now and these things can escalate very quickly. He clearly thinks very little of you if he tried to get you in trouble with the police.

Please get advice from women’s aid.

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