To think parents respect their adult children more once they move out?

[MyAmusedOpalCrab]

It seems like parents still see their kids as kids when they’re living at home, no matter how old they are. But once they move out, whether renting or buying, it feels like there’s a shift in how they’re treated. Less micromanaging, more respect for their choices.

Has anyone else noticed this? Or do some parents struggle to see their adult children as fully independent no matter where they live?

I think that's true - but I don't think it's all on the parents' side. My observation (including of my own behaviour) is that both parents and adult children behave differently when living separately, and that ingrained family dynamics tend to be perpetuated by all parties when adult children are living at home.

Is it not just the adults choices impact less if you aren't living together.

You aren't disturbing people if home late, or messing a just tidied kitchen or painting a room that the parents will have to repaint when you do go..

Or did you mean career choice, partner type decisions?

My mother, a few weeks ago, was wholly shocked that I’d built some patio furniture and organised some BBQ food for a family event.

She also was surprised once that I’d made a cottage pie, and simultaneously done my stepsons packed lunch.

I’m 35.

I think she will forever see her kids, as kids.

Haha no. Not in my experience

It's hard not to see your kids as dependent when they live with you, and it's hard for adult kids not to lean on their parents when they're still at home.

I think you are right, it’s a life stage thing. And @JassyRadlettis right, being in your parents home does mean many young adults act like they are still teens and don’t act like equal adults.

My son is 18 and legally an adult, he is still like a child to me despite working full time in a demanding job. He is super sensible and has managed to save thousands for his first car.
I still tell him he needs a coat when it's raining outside!
I'm sure I annoy the living shit out of him but for me it is an automatic reaction, when he moves out I won't know if he has a coat on or not so it won't be something I worry about.
I think physical distance is good for parents and children to create a proper grown up relationship.

That’s fair, I do think physical space makes a difference. But I also meant the general tone. Like, even when it comes to life decisions - careers, relationships or even day to day routines, some parents seem to relax and treat you more like a peer once you’ve moved out. It’s like the act of leaving shifts the power dynamic a bit, even if you’re not doing anything drastically different.

Well it think it would make sense if they do. Someone who is dependent on you to provide a roof isn’t going to seem like an independent adult in the same way as someone who is self sufficient.

Respect? What parent doesn't respect their children?
For me I think DC are less likely to ask for advice or talk things over when they don't live at home. Having said that , DC2 is buying his first house and apparently I am supposed to be an expert on all property matters.

They do immediately revert to teen mode when they visit home.

I think children often grow up immensely after a few months living on their own and that affects the relationship and their expectations

Depends on the family.

I don’t think I was treated as an adult by my parents until I was married.

I moved out at 17, married a few months before my 26th birthday.

I agree. The parent/child dynamic is ever present as long as all living together, usually on both sides. A bit of space does break that to a certain extent.

Haha yes, the reverting to teen mode is so real! And I don’t mean parents don’t love or value their kids but I do think respect can feel different. Like treating their opinions as equally valid or not second-guessing their decisions. Some parents do that well regardless of where their kids live but others seem to only adjust once there’s a bit of space.

This is right up there with groundbreaking news like water is wet.

of course young adults have to earn the respect of being independent adults. Part of that is being financially independent and providing their own housing. Until they reach that point, they are still dependents, relying on their parents.

They get the respect of being full adults when they become truly independent adults.

Also, in 'the olden days' lots of people were married and living in their own property in their teens or very early twenties.
Parents are now housing their offspring for 30 years or more (not blaming young people at all, house prices are diabolical) but for the parents those expected years of peace while still relatively young have gone.

Well if you had asked me a year ago I would have said yes, absolutely.

However recent events have shown me that my parents have been itching to restore the toxic dynamic. And now - no. Its the same again.

My DD came home for six months after splitting with her partner, and it was entirely different from when she lived here for a couple of years after uni.
She was a proper adult, cooked and shopped for herself, looked after the house etc etc, did her own thing.

As she was looking for her own place to buy she asked my advice about a lot of things and appreciated my support and presence when visiting the mortgage advisor and solicitor (when the latter had proved useless), but we were both grown ups.

Mil very much sees both her children as basically toddler still even though both have their own houses marriages and children.

She will still be there asking about booking dentists and mots. Feels she should be asked her opinion on cars and houses like she’s paying.

IME, parents do tend to fall back on the dynamics that were in play when their children were younger and it's not just about the parent/child relationship. Sibling dynamics make a difference too. If your children's MO with each other when they were little/teenagers was one of bickering sniping and picking, the impulse to step in must be almost unbearable, whatever their ages.

Well done to all those who tamp it down and remind themselves that these mewling brats are actually grown-ups and it's on them to sort their relationship out. I'm not a parent and I'm not sure I could be as pragmatic and mature as pps. However, I have been one of the mewling brats in question and as time passed, we moved on and so did our parents (into accommodation where we hadn't grown up) and the next generation started to put in an appearance. The connection between being in the family group and behaving as if we were barely old enough for a paper-round began to fray, allowing us to find other ways of being with each other - it takes time, patience and a sense of humour, but it can work itself out.