Horrible father in law - what next?

[Goldie7878]

My father in law has always been cold towards me, despite being with DH for a number of years, he still has old wedding photos from DH first marriage up on the walls. It doesn't bother me, but what did bother me was on a recent visit he told me how devastated he was that DH and ex had split up (16 years ago) and how he didn't know how he'd get over it. This was all whilst DH was out of the room. He has also treated my young son (DH not his Dad) with disdain, leaving him out of cards/birthdays etc, will send cards with money in for DH children/biological grandchildren but not my son), again, I don't care about the lack of gift but I do care that this is so hurtful to my son to be treated differently. The last time we were there he got himself in such a self inflicted tizz about whether to give my son anything in a card for his birthday, he eventually settled on £5 for my son and £50 for his 'real' grandchild. This was all whilst doing some amateur dramatics in the living room and a lot of huffing and puffing. I had not even mentioned the birthdays nor did I expect anything. I found it so awkward and embarrassing I told him not to bother either now or in future and not to trouble himself with the thought ever again. The guy is extremely wealthy. I absolutely do not care about the lack of money/gift, I think it is the overall mean spirit I struggle with. This is when I have done my best to be kind to this man, even when he does his best to make me feel uncomfortable and very much an outsider. FWIW I met DH long after his divorce with ex wife and I was nowhere on the scene during this event. I didnt even know DH! DH apologises about this behaviour which I don't understand. My parents treat DH sons as if they were their own grandchildren and have always been thoughtful and generous. The last time I saw FIL nearly a year ago he was so awful and mean, I told DH I did not want to see him again. Now he is terminally ill and I'm struggling to have anything kind to say. I don't say anything horrible, but I am trying to keep my distance. I feel no warmth or affection for him and I feel like I should because he's an old man who hasn't got long left. I am trying to support DH as best as i can but i cant find it in me to have any warm feelings about FIL. AIBU?

What a nasty piece of work he is. Don’t feel guilty about not having anything nice to say about him, or have any compassion for him, he’s a miserable old hateful bastard by the sounds of it. How awful to treat your son in that way. I’d actually keep away from him. No tellings what he’ll say to you on his death bed. Leave him to his own misery and focus on your son and husband. Sounds like you have been more than patient over the years and put up with a lot from him

Well, I wouldn't go and see him again. I'm surprised your DH does tbh, he sounds like a horrible person.

You don't have to be kind, or visit. Just disengage and be grateful he won't be around much longer.

You're not being unreasonable. You have been civil to him, you're being supportive of DH, who is losing his father, but being terminal doesn't change the way he's behaved towards you and your son, or make him any less of an arsehole.

Closed too soon. . . when my FIL dies, I won't be pretending to any grief for him, and neither will my daughters. That is what he has earned.

Horrible people get terminally ill and die too 🤷‍♀️

It doesn’t make them any nicer.

I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

He would have been upset that his sons marriage ended. Noone wishes for that to happen to their child. I don't think that's out of order.

Also I'm on the fence regarding this f he should give your son money/card. I was brought up in a blended family and I didn't get anything from my step brothers side. Nor did he from mine ... It's just the way it is.

You support your husband because his father is dying and while you don't care about him he clearly does. Do whatever you DH needs right now. It's not about the fil it's about looking after your DH

Really when they have been separated for a long time? Shouldn't he be happy his sob is happy? He sounds like a nasty old man.

My nan treated me and my Brother very differently to our cousins. I remember us being left out most Birthdays, Easter and Pancake days. We eventually decided to stop seeing her. This was years ago.
She died recently. I disliked that woman so much for how she treated us and was grateful our Parents supported our decision to cut her off.
I have no guilt. She was a horrible spiteful woman.

He's a nasty piece of work and a horrible person. That's doesn't change because he's dying. Keep supporting your husband. Don't feel guilty.

His crows are coming home to roost. Is he even bothered that you’re not going to see him now he’s ill?

He sounds awful but no idea why you think your child is his grandchild as it’s not and why you think he should give your child a present, that’s for his dads family to do.

When a twat is suffering with a terminal illness, they’re still a twat. Don’t give him another thought. X

100%

Well so long as you’re not gleefully announcing your plans to dance on his grave then YANBU. You don’t have to pretend someone wasn’t horrible just because they’re dying. Just don’t go on about how horrible they are either. Stay in the background quietly supporting your DH as best you can. Listen to those who love him talk about him but avoid saying anything yourself. I don’t believe you should never speak ill of the dead, just not to those who actually love them when they are grieving. If you’re going to go to the funeral it might be helpful to have a few things planned to say that sound vaguely positive about him without actually compromising your integrity. “His family meant a lot to him” sort of thing. It will be over soon and he won’t be a feature in your life any more so just keep quiet and wait it out.

It's very nice of your parents to be so good to your DH's children - I don't know if this is the exception or the rule. I've got step parents on both sides and neither of them has ever treated my children like their own grandchildren, I had never thought about it actually!

I can see it's hard to support your DH when you are having these thoughts about his dying father. He probably knows? Good on you for keeping it in. Have a rant on here instead.

What a hideous man. I think you are struggling with your understandable disdain for this man and his behaviours and the human response to want to help and support people who need help.

I thought about this a lot in the past when Nazi war criminals are on trial. On one hand are people who have perpetrated the most awful crimes against others and deserve whatever they get - but then I would look at this frail old person in the dock and (caregiver for elderly parents) also have this urge to protect kick in.

There is nothing to do but acknowledge that having both sets of feelings at the same time is uncomfortable but understandable and you have to wait it out.

You can’t switch on warm feelings just because someone is terminally ill. You feel what you feel. Just keep supporting your husband

There are two separate issues, IMO. You briefly mention that he makes you feel like an outsider. Clearly that's unacceptable and I hope that your husband has called him out on whatever behaviour has led to you feeling that way.

The other "issue", which you speak about at length and which seems to be the main basis of your dislike of him, is that he doesn't treat your son as a grandchild and does not give him money. I think if your son has viewed your husband as a father figure from a very young age and is now a very established part of the wider family who regularly spends time with cousins, aunts/uncles, grandparents etc then your FIL really ought to support that relationship by including your son and it would be a terrible shame if he felt so little for a child who's life he has been part of for so long.

On the other hand, if your son came into FIL's life as an older child and doesn't spend much time with him, then he's definitely not going to view him like a grandchild. In that instance I do think it's unrealistic and unfair to expect him to view your son as a grandchild. He's not your son's grandfather. Presumably your son has a father and grandparents of his own on that side of the family, and it's their job to treat him as their own and give him birthday gifts etc.

Is it possible that FIL is picking up on your (unreasonable?) expectations and feeling as though you see him as a piggy bank to be shaken down?

You don't have to feel any warmth or affection towards an elderly man, who has treated you and your son poorly, just because he's dying. It's myth that all elderly people are lovely, kind and wonderful. Some elderly people are the complete opposite. By all means support your husband, but don't feel bad for not feeling what you think you should feel. I understand that your son isn't his grandson, and presumably he has his own set of grandparents. However, it's very different to thinking in private these things, but to openly discuss them in front of you, and make his distain known is quite another. Your FIL clearly doesn't think of you as part of the family, even though you are married to his son. He's bizarrely hanging onto your husband's ex wife, who he split from 16 years ago!!! It's OK to support your husband but have zero feelings towards your FIL.