To think these plans aren't confirmed?

[Sundaycoffee]

My friend and I have some plans to organise for a friends 40th weekend away. She is supposed to be leading on this and I have offered to help out but she's being very non committal and it feels like I am having to drive everything to get anything done, when it isn't even supposed to be falling on me.
Last night she messaged me offering to meet to sort plans. She said she would be happy to go out for dinner/ drinks to discuss or I could come to hers for the evening and she would cook.
I responded saying that I can pop over if that works for her but probably can't afford to go out for food and also I have an early start in the morning as I am travelling up the country for work, so it wouldnt be a late one. Since then she has read the message but not sent any response. Would you assume this was going ahead? If not I would like to do something else with my evening but not sure when the cut off point to be is to say "I hadn't heard back so made other plans". I am reluctant to message her again asking as quite honestly this is something she should sorting and I am a bit fed up of it all falling on me for anything to happen.

Message again and ask if it’s definitely going ahead, otherwise you’ll make other plans. Or perhaps call and speak to her. Mention that it’s becoming hard work and you feel like she’s not pulling her weight?

Hey friend, let me know if that suits. Am keeping it free atm but would like to know by tomorrow.

Would it be so awful if I didn't? To be honest I'm getting a bit fed up as it feels like everything is falling on me. Last time we arranged to meet she completely forgot and made other plans and didn't let me know until I told her I was on my way. Since then I've reminded her on so many things and she says she will do them and nothings happened so I'm starting to get to the point where I feel like just leaving her to it as it's all falling on deaf ears.

You could have messaged her in the time it took you to post this. Save wondering about it and just ask her

At the end of the day I'm doing her a favour. 40th friend has specifically asked her to organise and this friend since asked me to help. I can think of better ways to spend my evening and if she can't be bothered to confirm plans I don't see why it should be me having to chase up everything if she cant be bothered to respond but maybe IABU

It's more the principle I suppose...

I wouldn't say those are firm plans.

I would wait to see if she messages you today regarding this evening and go from there.

She has suggested two things which you have pooh poohed. When she said I can cook why didn’t you just say ‘lovely thanks!’ And just left when you needed to.

Your messages sound like you don’t want to go, and reading your updates you don’t. So she has picked up on this.

I think the ball is in your court - not hers. Do you want to go but leave early? Or don’t not want to go at all? You need to tell her, not the other way round.

Well your message was so woolly.
She probably thinks you're coming, but who knows?
Why didn't you just say "OK I will come to yours at 7pm. Can't afford to go out and will be leaving by 9.30pm due to early start next day'"?

See. Easy.

Message and say you now can't make it, you thought the event would be all sorted by now and although you were happy to help sorry but you are now fully committed to other things for the foreseeable. Or just take over the job, probably easier to just do it yourself, something like sorry you don't seem to be getting this sorted I think it would be easier if I took it over completely.

So juat stop, it doesn't have to be complicated if she doesn't seem keen then move on

That wasn't my exact message. I did say I can get to her for about half 7, can bring a bottle of wine but will only be able to stay for a couple of hours due to early start and the end of my message specifically said "let me know if that works?" So I wouldn't say the ball is in my court

Your friend who is turning 40 is being unreasonable in expecting others to plan their birthday 'weekend' for them.
What a palaver.
Everyone turns 30/40/50/60 it's not a major life event.

Your message made my head hurt. Were you going or not? Did you want dinner or not? What exactly were you suggesting?

So you are also unreasonable.

The only one not unreasonable is the friend offering to organise parties and cook dinners whilst staying cool and not bitching on the Internet.

Yes, I said I would be happy to go to hers and have dinner and suggested timings i would be able to do and to let me know if that worked, not sure how that is unreasonable?

I guess if you turned it around from her point of view it would be "my friend is offering to help me plan a party for my friend as a favour. I invited her round for dinner and she told me she would be able to make it and suggested some timings and asked me to confirm if that worked. I didn't reply to confirm and she has now made other plans. AIBU?

That wasn't clear in your OP so are you sure it was clear in your message to her?

Just a quick message to confirm is very easy.

Don't help if you don't want. But she's cooking you dinner so hardly avoiding you.

It all seems ott for someone else's 40th to me. But if you're happy with this level of palaver either do it or don't.

Just frigging message her.

It sounds like you really don't want to help which is fine (I don't really get why friends need to do the arranging rather than the birthday person organize it themselves) but just tell her that rather than this unnecessary drama