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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be SO angry at DSis’ ‘friend’?

23 replies

squashedalmondcroissant · 30/07/2025 11:40

Ok, bit of a long one but there is a bit of backstory.

DSis has a very close group of friends, most of whom are male. She has been friends with them all since starting secondary at age 11 so over 20yrs now (they are all mid 30’s).

About 10yrs ago when she and he were single, she had a brief fling with one of the friends, let call him X. It was very much just for fun, friends with benefits type of situation that was never intended to turn into anything else. After a few weeks she ended it and they just went back to being friends, everything all fine.

Fast forward to last year when DSis was away on holiday with the whole friend group, including X’s now wife and several other partners of the group. Sis confided in me that while they were away X made a very obvious pass at her while drunk and basically they should have sex again for old times sake. He groped her bum and was quite insistent but she told him to fuck off. The next day he was hugely apologetic, blamed being drunk etc etc. She was pretty upset about the incident, not only because he’s supposed to be her friend and he crossed a major boundary/sexually assaulted her but also that he would think she was the type of person happy to cheat on her long time partner with a married man.

I was fuming but accepted her decision to forgive him and try and move past it to save their friendship. She told her partner and obviously he was not happy but also accepted her decision to want to save their friendship.

She has recently told me that he has done it AGAIN on another holiday with the friends. Apparently this time he tried touching her more and was even more insistent.

I am so fucking angry with him. He and his wife are TTC too and I’m so tempted to go in all guns blazing. I want to message his wife, his friends, tell everyone what a vile creature he is and give him a piece of my mind but DSis has asked me not to. She doesn’t want to report him or take it further but I have said that she should absolutely never be alone with him again under any circumstances and if he ever touches her again no force on earth could compel me to keep quiet about it.

She is struggling and upset but I’m trying hard to respect her wishes.

Aibu to just leave it alone for her sake?

OP posts:

toomuchfaff · 30/07/2025 11:45

If i were the wife, TTC with a sleazebag dirtball who's quite happy to cheat but too lazy to go outside the friend group, id want to know before I saddled myself to the loser for 18 years.

Do you know the wife? are you friends with her? That makes a difference. I couldn't keep quiet if the wife was my friend. Why does DSis want to protect the friendship of a sleazebag over the one she has with the wife? Time means nothing over morals

Original poster

squashedalmondcroissant · 30/07/2025 11:49

Tbh I don’t know the wife and have never met her as she came into the group much later. She knows about the fling Dsis had with her DH and hates Dsis because of it, which isn’t really fair but totally understandable.

Dsis is really worried that she will blame her for the whole thing (which she probably will) but I honestly think it’s worth it for her to know the truth and not be stuck with a cheating arsehole. I’m 100% convinced that he either has cheated or has attempted to with someone else, men like this don’t hedge all their bets on one victim in my experience.

OP posts:

Menopants · 30/07/2025 11:54

I think your sister has to do what is best for HER. There is a good chance she would lose other friends over this. Stay out of it and be there for your sister.

Confabulations · 30/07/2025 11:59

This is up to your sister to handle. You can advise all you want that she should stay away from him permanently, but do not get involved. It is not up to you to disclose that your sister has been sexually assaulted. Yes, the man is a sleaze, yes, his wife should ideally know. But telling his wife would be disclosing your sister's private information. And if she already dislikes your sister, she is more likely to believe her husband if/when he says it isn't true, or that she led him on.

RepoTheGeriatricOpera · 30/07/2025 12:00

but I have said that she should absolutely never be alone with him again under any circumstances and if he ever touches her again no force on earth could compel me to keep quiet about it.

She's made her feelings about telling people clear, all you've done here is ensure that she won't tell you if he does it again.

Saggyoldclothbody · 30/07/2025 12:07

It’s not your business to do something that your sister doesn’t want you to do. I’m sure she’s capable of handling herself and you risk your relationship with her if you go against her wishes and there is fallout that affects her.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/07/2025 12:07

I can't really work out what any of this has to do with you.

It's your sisters issue to deal with as she see's fit. The entirety of your role is to accept her decision and support her as much as you can

toomuchfaff · 30/07/2025 12:09

Id leave it to Dsis but id be advising to break the "friendship " with the sleaze. Why does she want a friendship with someone who doesn't match her moral compass, doesn't observe and adhere to her boundaries and quite frankly is a horrible man?

R0ckandHardPlace · 30/07/2025 12:11

What would the rest of the friendship group do if they knew?

Vintagenow · 30/07/2025 12:15

Has she told her partner about the second assault? I'm surprised he's not gone round there and punched him out. Why on earth does she want to stay friends with a man who has sexually assaulted her?? I think all you can do is encourage her to drop him as a friend but if she doesn't want to lose the rest of the group then she should tell them what he's really like and hopefully he'll be the one who is dropped.
He pushed farther the second time he groped her, next time it could be rape. He is no friend.

WordsFailMeYetAgain · 30/07/2025 12:20

Keep your nose out. This is for your sister to sort, NOT YOU!

333FionaG · 30/07/2025 12:20

You have to let your sister deal with this. I wouldn't mind betting the man's wife is fully aware of his revolting behaviour, but is turning a blind eye because she wants a baby. I don't think you'd gain anything by going in all guns blazing, I really don't.

CopperWhite · 30/07/2025 12:23

Aibu to just leave it alone for her sake?

Of course you should leave it alone. It’s not your business. Not sure the ‘for her sake’ thing is necessary. You aren’t doing her a favour by keeping your nose out, you’re just avoiding being a shit stirrer.

ButteredRadish · 30/07/2025 12:29

Is your sister vulnerable in some way?

Dozycuntlaters · 30/07/2025 12:31

Jut leave it alone, no good will come of you meddling. Your sister is just confiding in you, not asking you to fight her battles. It's her friendship group, not yours, so just leave it be and let her deal with it in whatever way she sees fit.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 30/07/2025 12:34

In what world is it your place to ‘go in all guns blazing’?! This didn’t happen to you, it happened to your sister. He’s not your friend, he’s hers. She barely knows his wife and you don’t know her at all, so why would you think it’s down to you to embark on some kind of moral crusade despite your sister’s wishes to the contrary?

Unless your sister is in some way vulnerable and needs you to police her interactions with others and make decisions on her behalf, I honestly fail to see what this has got to do with you.

I’m very pro women speaking up and supporting other women, but this feels much more like you insinuating yourself into a situation which is so remote from you that it amounts to shit stirring more than fulfilling some moral obligation.

CatamaranViper · 30/07/2025 12:35

I understand why you want to get involved and give him a piece of your mind, but you must respect your sisters decision. If you don't, you will isolate her further because she'll have lost trust in you and won't open up if/when something else happens.
Offer advice and guidance, don't pressure her or go off like a storm. Make sure she knows you're in her corner and will support her no matter what

Original poster

squashedalmondcroissant · 30/07/2025 12:37

Dsis has not told her partner about the second time, he was very angry about it the first time and is worried he might confront him which she really doesn’t want. I’m not going to do anything about it because she has said she doesn’t want that I’m just really angry and yes I have told her that, unfortunately, this man is not a friend to her and that their relationship will never be the same now. And all that is HIS fault, not hers. If he gets caught out, and his life ruined it will be HIS actions that caused it, not hers.

I’m just very concerned that because of the escalation so far next time he might push more and it will be more serious. Hence my strong recommendation to never ever be alone with him again.

She has told one of her other male friends about the first time and he was also furious so at least he can help look out for her on group gatherings.

OP posts:

TheCoralEagle · 30/07/2025 12:38

Unless your sister is in some way vulnerable and needs you to police her interactions with others and make decisions on her behalf, I honestly fail to see what this has got to do with you

This. You're so far past the line of what would be appropriate here. Stay in your lane, it's absolutely not your business.

And FYI if one of my sisters did what you're considering and interfered in my personal business to the extent you seem to feel entitled to do, it would be relationship-ending.

Tillow4ever · 30/07/2025 12:42

Why do you think your opinions about the situation, and what should happen next, matter more than those of your sister? The fallout from this being revealed wouldn’t affect you - but it would massively blow up your sisters life. Therefore it isn’t for you to decide for her. And to be honest, even if he does it again, it isn’t your place to reveal it. We all know how often a female victim is made out to have been at fault somehow, maybe your sister doesn’t want that?

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 30/07/2025 12:55

As her sister your role is to listen and support. You can be angry and advise her on how to keep safe or say what you would do in her situation but ultimately that’s it. You telling his wife or confronting him when she has asked you not to could damage your relationship with her forever.

OhHellolittleone · 30/07/2025 12:59

She’s confided in you. It’s abosolutely not your place to say. The only time it would be acceptable is if your sister was at risk of harm. She’s not. She’s made her own decision.

For all you know the guys wife knows…! All likelihood she doesn’t, but it still not your place to say even if you’d want to know in her shoes. It is NOT your info to share as you’ve only been told on the assumption it will not be shared.

PollyBell · 30/07/2025 13:02

She is an adult who can think for herself? Being female doesn't take away ones ability to think, so you go and leave it to her

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