Is this the start to the end?

[AML1103]

I know my fiance of 3 years doesn’t love me anymore but he won’t admit it.
we have an 8 month old child together and it all changed when I fell pregnant.
these are the things that go round my head daily.

background of him: He has severe ADHD and can be triggered by the smallest of things. He suffers with severe anxiety and is quite shy in person and overthinks everything he says or does. He cares a lot about what people think of him and is constantly questioning if he has done or said the right things and can play on his mind for ages. He has previously been branded as controlling and albeit, at the beginning of our relationship, I honestly thought he was but it turns out that he just didn’t trust anyone and he had to learn to trust to let go of his own insecurities because now he is as calm as anything and has done a complete 360 when it comes to his anxiety over our relationship.
pros:

• he’s always home and does tend to put us 1st when it comes to spending too much time away from the family.
• he is a good dad and helps with our son as much as he can
• he works very hard to provide for us
• everyone around us tells me he loves me more than anything and that they can see it in him because he’s changed so much as a person and is a lot happier.
• he constantly tells me he loves me.
• he always asks me to show him more affection. (I struggle with this due to the cons below)
• he always does small gestures to show me he thinks of me, for example he will run me a bath after a long day or make me my favourite bowl of fruit for when I come down after putting the baby to bed or even just getting me my favourite drink from the shop.

cons

• he is selfish in bed. Never wants to have sex but always wants me to do oral to him. He makes it very obvious aswell that he is not enjoying our sex and would happily never have sex again if I kept giving him oral whenever he asked for it which is daily.
• he is ALWAYS on his phone when he is at home. It’s hard to have a conversation with him because he is so engrossed on TikTok or texting his mates.
• when I raised the phone situation to him he said that nothing I ever talk about is interesting.
• he tried deleting me off his instagram bio without me noticing when he uploaded his first picture of him and our son and I swear it was so he could come across single..when confronted he said he deleted it by accident and I’ve also found him following girls on instagram too.
• he went on a lads holiday 2 months ago for 3 nights and didn’t text once to see how me and his son was.
• he constantly checks out other women on TV or when we are out but also winds me up about it too.
• when I raise these things with him, he says I’m mad and that he loves me more than anything and would do anything for me and that I overthinking everything plus he likes to then remind me of all the things he has done for me like stop going out so much with the boys or if he does go out then he’s home before 12pm or that he once took a 20k loan out for me when my business was struggling etc etc and continues to make me think I’m crazy.
• he constantly snaps at me and can call me names but then 2 seconds later act like nothing happened.
• he is so hot and cold with his moods, one minute he’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him and then the next he looks so depressed that it gives me anxiety wondering what he is thinking.
• He very rarely compliments me and he says it’s because I never appreciate them which is bullshit because I even told him at the very beginning that i feel weird receiving compliments because I’ve never really had them.
• he has said things in the past like “i should have left at the start” or winds me up saying it’s been the longest 3 years of his life and what he would give to go back to being 20 again..

anytime I raise anything which is often at the moment because I can’t stop thinking about it, he tells me he winds me up and that he’s just trying to get a reaction. He’s getting very fed up of the conversations surrounding our relationship and to be honest, so am I. He eventually does apologise and says he will do better but I never really see a major change if I’m completely honest. He’s still always on his phone, he will initiate sex and enjoy it 1 to 2 times after me bringing it up but then inevitably ends up going straight back to the way it was.

im worried that I am now not helping the situation because I am so cold and distant. I am finding it hard to be happy and trust that he loves me, I find it hard to show him affection because I don’t feel loved by him. Is this the start to the end?

Sounds like it. You don’t sound happy in the relationship or with him. It doesn’t sound like he will change or things will get better. It’s all very well him saying he loves you but not treating you in a way that makes you thinks he cares - he doesn’t sound that nice to you either. You can’t stay in a relationship like that for ever or you will be miserable and your son will pick up on that. It might be better to start thinking about what you want for your future and what you want in a relationship.
And maybe start getting your ‘ducks in a row’ so that you can be in a position to leave if that’s what you decide to do. Document the name calling and any other controlling or nasty things, in case you need it later. Best of luck x

This is who he is. He won’t change. Are you happy to live like this for the rest of your life?

Actions and words have to match, his doesn’t! He might run you a bath, he might tell you he loves you but everything else shows you he doesn’t like you. Being attentive to the baby isn’t about loving you, he loves the baby.

This is on him not you. You can't tell someone that you love them then demand they give you oral as the sole form of intimacy. You can't say it's OK to call someone names because you also do nice things for them. You can't tell someone you want to be with them then tell them they should ignore you saying you want to be single and you don't talk to them because they're boring.

It sounds like he is fond of you but can't be arsed to make the effort. He might love you, but this is his true personality and agree with pp that he won't change. He sounds like a total headfuck

When people in healthy relationships write a pros and cons list the cons is usually minor habits not fundamentals like making you feel unloved

Your con list contradicts your pro list quite a lot.

This preference for oral - im assuming he isnt returning this favour?

He sounds selfish and spiteful tbh.

If you love him, id go for counselling becuase if you leave this and insecurities and resentment builds it will be. Or get out now. Don't bury your head though or this is as good as it gets

Having read your posts.. I have to agree with the above. #

That is a very long list of Cons and the Pros don't outweigh it. You've clearly thought through all the things that are bothering you.

In any case you do sound very unhappy and your attempts to communicate with him and "fix" things have not resulted in any meaningful change. It sounds like everything works the way he wants and you are just supposed to go along with it. Your post says you have been engaged for three years. Is there a date set for the wedding now that you have a child? Do you want there to be? Has he mentioned it?

You say that his relatives/friends comment on how much better he is with you. But you are not happier. It sounds like you are propping him up and not getting much thanks for it.

You certainly don't seem to be on the same page as regards the sexual side of your relationship. He sounds utterly selfish. At the same time, his instagram behaviour does not sound like that of a fully committed partner, nor would I want to have someone gazing at other women all the time, especially given the way he behaves at home. That is so childish and definitely meant as a put down.

You mention several times that he goes out with "the boys." When do you get a chance to go out.

Can you find a counsellor in real life to talk to?? to help you with your decision?

Do you have any family support. If so.. perhaps you should confide your difficulties.