For turning to my DH when anxious

[KittenDayzy]

I’m an over thinker and probably have undiagnosed GAD. When I’m feeling overwhelmed or anxious I turn to my DH for reassurance and advice. I don’t have a therapist and find it difficult opening up to anyone else.

However, I often feel as though he can’t be bothered with the conversations and thinks I’m being silly and ‘over-analysing’ things. I then feel bad for being negative and worry he will eventually want to break up with me. Admittedly, sometimes I go over the same worries again and again.

Is this dynamic normal or would you expect your partner to reassure you happily?

I have been in your DH's position. I did my very best but unfortunately eventually it's very hard to appear "bothered" when it's the same over-thinking conversation over and over again! It's very draining. My partner thankfully went to the GP to get medication and therapy and has been much happier ever since, as have I.

I'm all for turning to my partner and visa versa but not with the same worries over and over again. I'd expect him to do some work on himself rather than constantly offload and want reassurance over and over again. You get tired to the soul of it eventually.

How many times would you like him to go over things ‘happily’?

Is he able to turn to you with worries, or does your anxiety not allow that?

I get anxious but I don’t really share with my DH as I don’t want him to think I’m a lunatic. I would suggest that you talk to chat GPT! Honestly it’s great. Give it proper prompts like “I have GAD and need a safe space to talk through my anxieties. I am looking for reassurance and for you to take on the role of therapist”.

I spent a week with someone like this recently and it was exhausting.

I tried to reassure her constantly about all the things she was overthinking, but it took its toll on me after a few days.

I'm not sure I could live like that all the time I'm afraid.

This completely depends on what you're talking about but overall, no, it's not his job to reassure you constantly about the same worries over and over again. if you know that you have an anxiety disorder, then it's up to you to do something about it and it's not on him.

There is nothing more exhausting than having to talk someone through irrational fears. Except possibly having to do it over and over again.

Your husband is not a therapist and it's very, very unreasonable to expect him to manage your anxiety when you won't. It sounds like he's already tired of it.

Go get assessment and treatment by a professional.

It doesn't matter what we expect. You should try to find yourself a therapist and a female best friend.

Neither you or your husband are being unreasonable as such. But you are asking too much of him. Therapists are there for that reason, they’re qualified and skilled at holding your anxieties safely and helping you through (at least any decent therapist will). Please do not use ChatGPT for this though! AI cannot assess for risk safely or give you appropriate support, it is not enough to ask it to take on the role of a therapist. Simply put, it can’t. It can help you feel better in a way but it’s not a solution any more than your husband is. Have a look on Psychology Today or Counselling Directory, set a budget and find a therapist to suit your needs. I wish you the very best of luck.

My dh has depression and as much as I try to support, it's very hard when someone else expects you to constantly go over the same things and magic up answers to problems that you just don't have the solutions for.

Your Dh is not a psychiatrist or a therapist and can't constantly guide you through your anxieties - there's a difference between being a supportive partner and being used as a constant resource to make you feel better. Being a supportive partner means he should be encouraging you to seek professional help, not bring used as a therapist.
Im my own situation, my dh is suffocating me with his constant need for reassurance/my presence and it's harming the relationship. Be careful not to do this to your husband.

Sorry to say but it is very wearing for him to hear these anxieties repeatedly, especially if he gives you advice and it still makes no difference. Naturally he feels like he's wasting his breath so he doesn't want to discuss it.

You need a therapist for his sake as much as for your own.

Sorry OP, that's terribly unreasonable.

Big, (genuinely) significant things - yes.

Constant inane worries - no.

He’s your husband, not your emotional crutch.

I had to learn to wean myself off asking my dh for emotional support when I was having difficulty (stressful job, and my dad died of cancer whilst I was pregnant so was all a lot).

If your dh is happy to support you then fine, but clearly he isn’t and you will drive him away if you carry on.

Sadly I do now find that my relationship with dh is sometimes more distant than I’d like and neither of us take any particular interest in each other’s emotional or physical wellbeing. Well it cuts both ways - one less person for me to worry about too!

No I wouldn't expect my DH to do this. Write in a diary your worries and fears, then later try and "mark" your fears- eg - attack them logically
Eg
Worry: I said something stupid and tlmy coworker noticed and now they hate me, they looked at me weirdly
Logic check: They probably weren't listening, they weren't even looking at me, they have things going on in their life, even if they did think it's weird they wouldn't ruminate or obsess or hate me for it as they've constantly been a kind person, we are friends
Outcome I can control: smile at this person next time i see them and think of some topic to chat about they're interested in = nice chat and feeling happy

This is basically a CBT or DBT exercise.. you can access this all online.. you can self refer to a therapist anytime on the NHS (in most areas)
Your DH will be impressed you are taking your health seriously by booking into a therapist or speaking to GP.

https://getselfhelp.co.uk/

Did you not post about this a few days ago?

Even though your current post is less detailed and presents you in a less unreasonable light, I doubt that the answers you’ll be getting will be very different.

Hi OP,

I’m in a similar situation to yourself. I have OCD and whenever I try to talk to my partner about an anxiety he either completely blanks me or gets annoyed (has previously told me not to discuss it with him). I find this pretty upsetting and for the most part have stopped talking to him about it. I don’t think either of you is being particularly unreasonable, I personally find it helpful to talk to people about these things but equally understand that it must be pretty burdensome for the other person and it takes a toll on the relationship.

I am taking antidepressants and seeing a therapist (though this is through the NHS and you only get a limited no. if sessions)…and have found them to be very helpful in that the pills help to reduce anxiety and therapy helps to give you the tools to deal with things without resorting to seeking reassurance from others. Anyway…first step is to see your GP…wish you the best of luck OP!

The OP has form for starting threads and not returning to them unfortunately.

You have to help your self op no one can do it for you.
I suffer with anxiety badly but i had to fix me not look for others to do it.

It isn't that be can't be bothered but if you are going over the same thing again and again then it's obvious to him that his reassurance makes no difference but he's still expected to "happily" go through the motions with you and he's probably exhausted.

You really need to seek professional help if you want your relationship to last. It's reasonable to expect support from your partner but you seem to treat yours as a therapist.

You’re not crazy for wanting a little extra comfort when your brain’s running a million miles an hour. Most of us lean on our partner sometimes, especially if therapy isn’t in the cards yet. But if he’s rolling his eyes or brushing you off, that really sucks and yeah, it can make you spiral more.

Might help to carve out a “safe” check-in time - like, “Hey, can we spend ten minutes talking through this tomorrow after dinner?” That way he’s not ambushed during his workday and you get your chance to unload. You could also try a quick breathing exercise or journal prompt first (just two minutes!) so you’re not dumping a full meltdown.

Ideally, your partner’s your teammate, but he’s not your therapist. You deserve empathy, not impatience, so maybe gently let him know how his reactions feel. And hey, Google a local support group or sliding-scale counselor if you can

I agree with @outerspacepotato .

I’m diagnosed with GAD, have had counseling and take medication. Your DH can’t reduce your anxiety long term, you need professional help for that.

I’d advise you to seek help and sort this out yourself. You risk damaging your relationship with him if you treat him as your therapist. Good luck. 💐

Anxiety is so hard, you really can't help worrying about things and it's very stressful, but it's too much to expect constant reassurance from him. If you continue to seek reassurance from him but it doesn't actually help, it makes sense that he gets a bit fed up. It sounds like you could really benefit from talking to a therapist to help you work through it.

Are you the Russian lady living in Asia?

Yes, it’s unreasonable. Your DH isn’t your therapist. Treating him as such would likely kill the marriage.