I really just need to share how I feel right now with other mums, I apologise.

[13MAPARTHELL]

Im really really having a bad time right now.
ive got 7 weeks of summer, with a 4 year old who has supsected ODD (which is awful if you have ever heard of it) and a 3 year old who is sensitive.
ive got no money, no car, no garden, no family, no friends.

if we go to the park, we leave because hes hitting, if we stay at home and do an activity, he smashes it, if we go out the front to play on scooters etc, he's touching cars & knocking on doors, if hes in the house watching TV, hes obsessing over snacks, stealing them, climbing for them, if I tell him to not do something, he will repeatedly do it, if he causes pain and sees someone hurt, he will manically laugh, including myself. Amonst many other behaviours.

my mum is a massive narcissist, and the only person I have, I called her today crying just to say im struggling, and was told having kids is awful, she told me not to do it & to just put them in effing care if I cant be a proper mum. Everytime I speak to her, she shames me, guilt trips me & deflects on to herself. I told her today, im done with her emotionally abuse from childhood, and how she continues to make me feel in adulthood, she told me shes never done anything wrong & my stress also makes her stressed therefore shes also a victim. FYI, shes never had my kids or done anything to be even nice to me, without it being filled with shame & making an embarrasemnt of me.

my partner is a good dad, but hes got no emotional understanding, today, crying and desperate I reach out to him, and he listens but doesn’t speak or offer any words of support or encouragement, and then said that I probably need a moment, and left me there, just reinforcing that there is no space for support for me.

my 4 year old has been referred by the HV when younger, then CAHMS now, ive referred myself to early help & im awaiting OT support.

I am finding this all extremely overwhelming, something I cannot cope with alone, I am really not cut out for this, yet I have no choice & I simply dont have the tools to parent a child like this, who can be so vindictive & then the constant guilt of talking about him this way, with never experiencing a shred of empathy from the close to me, well, my whole life really.

ive never felt so alone!

Oh I’m really sorry you’re having a crappy time. No advice but sending you a big hug x

Just these. You’re doing brilliantly.

That sounds desperately hard and I’m sorry your family are so unsupportive. I hope you get some help from the professionals soon, to assist you and your child. Big hugs to you

No need to apologise, you're in a very challenging situation all round by the sound of it. But, you're seeking help and that's brilliant! Given your mother's narcissistic ways, might some therapy be helpful for you?

Is your partner taking some turns with keeping the children busy over the holidays?

This sounds so difficult. Have you spoken to your GP and considered contacting social services for proactive support? Have you tried having a meeting with your son's school/teacher. You really do need more input than what you currently getting. Big hug OP x

I've been there, not with ODD but with an AuDHD child who needed eagle-eyed supervision at that age due to similar behaviours.

Firstly, finding your groove is a case of trial and error. Nowadays things are much smoother and I'll have people telling me "you're so chill" and *you're so organised" and "you seem to anticipate stuff before it even happens". Well that took a lot of trial and error. It doesn't mean your a bad mum or that you have a bad kid, it just means you're figuring out what works for you guys and what doesn't. Once you find something that does work, you can build on it.

What does your 4yr old like to do? What are his interests, what soothes him or occupies him? That's a good starting point. DC at that age was obsessed with water so I could put him in the bath and he'd play for ages, if it was raining I could take him puddle-jumping, splash pad at the park was always good too and on a rainy day was empty. We did a lot of things back to front in those early days to make it easier. Blazing hot day when everyone wants to be outdoors? Soft play and other indoor activities will be super quiet. Rainy, cold, or windy day? Outdoor activities will be the quiet ones.

Tell your partner he needs to shape the fuck up and actually support you. Tag team the kids, you take one and he takes the other so that you can each focus on your designated child (and make sure he isn't taking the 'easy' child each time, swap around). Also make sure he's taking both children at times so you get some time to yourself.

Keep progressing chasing the services you've been referred to, the squeaky wheel gets the grease so be a squeaky wheel. Ring then weekly to check for any cancelled appointments and to check where you are on the list. Look up any SEN support groups in your area too and go check a few of them out.

Thank you, im trying my best by my god everyday I just feel like I cant do it anymore, hes not! He works self employed, ive told him tonight I need him to take tomorrow off because I cannot cope, and 1 day a week if possible, which I was met with a ‘really’, yet on the weekends we cant cope between us, when hes at work its like he forgets.

ive tried to meet two friends this week, old friends who have kids the same age, never again, he was attacking their children.

its just so isolating

Don't apologise. It sounds like you are having a really difficult time. Have you heard of the charity Homestart? They have volunteers who come and hang out with families to support parents. You could ask if they have anyone who is good at/used to challenging behaviour. Obviously it's not a full-time solution, but even some company might help you feel less alone.

Big hugs, this isn’t your fault, you’re doing your very best in difficult circumstances, and it is absolutely normal to feel like you’re struggling.

Have a look to see what services are available near to you. Contact the Family Information Service (or similar) to find support services, groups or activities.

Give activities a try, but don’t feel bad if you need to leave quickly. Take each day one hour at a time. Tell your partner specifically what you need (eg I need reassurance / I need 10 minutes on my own / I need back up etc).

Good luck mama, you’ve got this x

What’s his absolute favourite thing to do?

Hi OP,

I work in children and young people's services with famlies in situations like yours and just wanted to say I can hear how hard things are and see how hard you're trying your best!

It's great you are reaching out to professionals for help, but so rubbish that your mum and partner are so emotionally unsupportive.

Others have given you some really good advice already.
There are also helplines if you Google 'parenting support helplines' if you want another option of someone to offload to.Many are open late.

Also, are there any SEN support groups in your area? Or SEN groups for parents to attend with their children where you can go along and meet others in similar situations who won't judge your sons behaviours.

Also is he school or nursery age? If nursery is there any options of him doing any additional summer sessions to help give you a break?

You need to be firm with your partner about pulling his weight with the children, he sounds like someone who would let you do it all and sit back when he gets the chance.

@13MAPARTHELL

this UK fb group may be useful

https://www.facebook.com/groups/865650990135573

This is the problem, we really cant pin point! He’s fave thing to do is fight, we are yet to find anything and we do lots of things. He likes going to the park, so we go everyday, but its getting really hard, I’ve started taking him to the beach, he still argues with others but its a wider space!

Who told you he had ODD? Or is it from your own research?

Im very sceptical about ODD in general but especially in a 4 year old. It’s usually a combination of autism, PDA and/or ADHD.

It matters because different help and medication is available depending on the diagnosis.

Has he just finished reception? Or does ge start in September?

Thank you, very challenging.
yes I’ve recently been diagnosed with Adhd, although ive had since I was little, this was developed as a coping mechanism in my nervous system due to being emotionally abused as a child, I know I need to change myself, there are so many obstacles right now, and its just utterly overwhelming, im also working in safeguarding and doing a university to degree, its too much!

Thank you, thats really helpful ❤️

Check online for support groups. Can his Dad take him out to give you a break.
Ignore your DMi it'll be one less problem without her.

Thank you, yes so early help suggested this & the neurological team with the NHS, but its fairly newly recognised in the UK and only in some areas, but they didn’t pursue due to nursery masking. But hes now been referred via right to choose by myself & gp, unlike typical ADHD, he says very concerning things like he likes hurting people, he harms animals after nurturing them, hes very smart and has no delays otherwise, if he himself is very hurt or if im hurt or he sees me cry, he will laugh manically etc. He will find ways to harm, rather than harming just from impulse. Almost as if he has a history of abuse etc, which he very much doesn’t

That sounds very lonely.

Are there any local charities/parent carer groups near you organising sessions for SEND kids? We don't tend to go to any mainstream soft play or swimming sessions as the SEN ones are far less stressful and it helps to spend time with others facing similar challenges.

I would also recommend contacting the local authority carers team. Mine offers counselling and funding for breaks for carers, e.g. the subsidise my gym membership.

Hope that your DH steps up

Talk about gentle hands over smacking, little social stories, you can order the books online or make up your own, hands are not for hitting etc.

Even if he is painting or doing anything softly praise his gentle hands, when he smacks remind him that he is using angry hands, when you hug him, tell him you love using gentle hands to show love, it works eventually.

That sounds really difficult! Like poster above I'm also not too convinced on ODD being a thing - more likely to be autism/ ADHD combo which I have more experience of. Hopefully if the health visitor has refererred ds should eventually get sent to the right team to assess him. Are there any woods near by where he could bash big trees with sticks? I'm sure you already know this but parks are usually emptier first thing in the morning. With the reacting to being told not to do things it may help to ask him to do things instead e.g. instead of "don't touch the car" it could be "move to the wall", or instead of "don't throw that rock at me" " how far can ypu throw that rock into the sea". It tends to work better if you gamefy it - games like "red light green light" or the ship game with scrub the decks, climb the rigging etc - more fun while playing with a sibling as there's an element of competition to see who can do it first/ most stylishly. If you have room at home then a crash pad could be useful and may be a mini trampoline. If it is PDA then declarative language could help (see https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/ ) it won't matter if he's not PDA, just try the strategies and see if they work. Look up sensory circuits/ sensory integration. Using big muscles e.g. carrying heavy stuff about may help to calm and organise, and may be your sensitive 3 year old could benefit from this too? If you solve the snack one, let me know, still not solved that one yet and my ds are 9, 12 and 14!

More support and good wishes from me.

I feel so sorry for you reading this. Ds was a challenging toddler but not to this extent. I recognise feeling isolated. It did get a lot better with time but I remember the long summer holiday being torture at times, especially one year where it rained every day.

I wish I knew you and could help.

ODD isn’t new. It’s quite an old diagnosis. I just don’t believe it’s common and certainly not in a 4 year old with a relatively standard life.

Masking is a massive flat for PDA autism, which frequently co occurs with ADHD. Everything you have written is screaming PDA autism to be honest. Especially the bit about acting like a child with significant trauma, despite no history of trauma.

I would fight a diagnosis of ODD to be honest and push hard for an ASD assessment. The post up thread with the link to the PDA society is excellent.