Realistic level of support for FIL?

[VaseofViolets]

I’m wondering what I can do to help DH and FIL in this situation. My MIL sadly passed away a few years ago, and FIL is still finding it difficult to cope living alone. He has various health issues that limit his mobility, and MIL used to do almost everything for him. She did everything around the house, got him dressed, drove him everywhere he needed to go. Sadly he’s a bit childlike and selfish and finds it difficult to see other people’s perspectives. Money isn’t an issue but it’s almost like learned helplessness… he won’t take taxis anywhere or even make phone calls for himself, instead leaning very hard on DH to step into MILs shoes, and it feels unfair. We live at opposite ends of the country and DH is staying with him every weekend… which I’ve tried to be supportive of, but it’s a lot for me, when we have young DC. I don’t want to be unkind to him, but what would a realistic level of support from afar look like?

You need to get some professional care in place ASAP. Your father in law will need to pay for this but it sounds like he can afford it.

I think you need to arrange for some practical in person care from someone who is local.

Yes, I think you’re both right… but I know it’ll be a struggle to put it in place. FIL won’t want to pay for something he thinks DH should be doing for him :(

It will be hard but your DH HAS to step back. Be sick. Be stuck at work. Car broken down. You are going on weekend away so he is looking after the kids.

None of these things need to be true of course.

Your FIL will not consider filling a void which does not exist because your DH is standing in it.

You have to help your DH by withdrawing your support which is enabling him to be away every weekend. That is not sustainable and has to stop.