An inheritance one

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My parents are relatively wealthy, own multiple properties etc, this has been in part due to some smart investments but primarily due to substantial inheritance from their own families. They are very comfortably off and will continue to be into old age.

I’ve never had any financial assistance from them, and neither have my siblings, but we’ve all gone on to build comfortable lifestyles for ourselves. We don’t have everything we want, but we’re not exactly hard up either. We’ve definitely worked hard for what we’ve got though, and to be able to enjoy our lives.

Recently, our parents have started talking about how they need to spend all their money, how they want to make sure they don’t leave it behind and making other, pretty nasty, comments about how we don’t deserve a penny. We’re not sure where this has come from, and have tried to explain to them that we don’t expect any inheritance from them and it’s their money to spend as they choose, but they seem convinced we’re money grabbing and can’t wait for them to pop off so we inherit a tidy sum. This has become something of an obsession and comes up in most conversations. One of my siblings pointed out that they had both benefitted from inheritance and that this had helped them, and my parents seem to have cut all contact with them as a result.

Has anyone else experienced this? It’s such an odd situation. I can’t help but feel I’d want to give my children as much help as possible in life, not the opposite. Hoping we can salvage some sort of relationship moving forward, it’s creating a real atmosphere.

That’s a good one, casually mention your ‘friend’s mum’s home costs £1900 per week or something like that.

I think as people get older often obbsessions they have kept under control become more prominent. I think this is also a feature of dementia.

I don't know the technical name for it though, or how to deal with it.

I can imagine that it could get to a stage where it is almost impossible to talk about anything without this topic rearing its head.

Hopefully someone will come along with advice, but my guess is you are probably in for a long stretch of having to just constantly deny and try to move the conversation on.

Do you know what they actually say in their wills? Fine for them to spend as much as they want while they're alive but would be pretty hurtful for them not to leave you all anything at all in their wills. (And pretty impractical of course to manage to spend it all before dying). It's odd behaviour certainly - are they struggling to come to terms with their own mortality maybe?

I was also going to suggest dementia as this has replicated some situations I’ve had recently. Although seems odd for it to be from both of them? Or is one leading it more than the other?

I'd want to say 'when did we ask you to pay for this?' if that's their game.

As pp said, I would pull right back. Don't spend time with them if they just want to be unpleasant. They sound like these characters

And yes, say 'of course you'll need it to pay for care and any other help you need'. Don't be surprised if they still expect you to take them to appointments, get shopping and so on even after this. But don't agree to do it.

Tell them to take it with them as it’ll be do much use when they’re 6 feet under. Or go give it to the nearest stray cats home.
At least you’ve made your own life and money without their help, unlike them.

This is exactly how dementia is presenting in my elderly relative. You can’t mention anything that costs money without him thinking you’re dropping hints for him to pay for it. It’s a shame as he’s not really like this at all, but you genuinely can’t even mention as much as buying a newspaper before he jumps all over saying he’s not paying for it. No one has ever asked him for a handout, he’s very astute and wants to pass his money to his kids on death so it is about weird, but dementia doesn’t really follow logic.

Is it an inheritance tax thing?

I would turn the tables. Gather all the siblings and confront them. 'We've all noticed that you keep bringing up money and inheritance.. Even when we try to change the subject you bring it back to money again. We want to ask if you are worried about money? Are you worried about the future? Because we are all for you if anything has happened?'

Show them you are not circling vultures they seem to be accusing you of but you are concerned where this odd fixation has come from.

I like the suggestions people have made about reminding them that they’ll need tge money to pay their carehome fees. My FIL was in a specialist dementia home. £10k a month.

Everytime they weirdly say ‘we aren’t paying when you mention a holiday, do the tinkly laugh and say ‘silly MIL/FIL, why would any one think that? Everyone in the world knows you don’t like to spend on others’

My DDad has dementia and the first thing I noticed, long before his diagnosis, was changes in personality- things that made me think ‘where did that come from?’.
I do wonder if that’s what’s going on here OP. Maybe your Mum has noticed it, is in denial, and is attempting to deflect.
I would not engage in any conversation about money as it sounds like she’s trying to sound you all out or get a reaction, for whatever reason tbc

Do you think it feasible to have an open conversation about money with them? One which you start with "none of us have any expectation of an inheritance, we're all self-sufficient and have what we need" and goes into how hurtful you find their glee, how boring it is that all they talk about is money, how off-putting all this talk is and how it makes you want to shun their company, and generally delve into why they're so obsessed with money?

There's clearly something going on. It's very weird.

My ex FIL is like this. Ex MIL died last year leaving him £350k so for inheritance tax purposes I’d say he has at least that himself, and probably more in the bank. He’s making god knows what in interest every month, lives in a £700k house. He’s obsessed with telling my kids (his grandsons) how tight money is. They have never expected anything off of him, or asked for anything. It’s so horrible. If I was in your parents or my ex FIL’s position I’d want to help my family when I was alive.

Another possibility… have they got themselves into some financial trouble that they don’t want to acknowledge? Is this perhaps their way of telling you that there won’t actually be much (or any) money when they go? Perhaps too proud to admit they’ve built a house of cards?

If not, and they’re just being gloaty about their cash, I’d tell them that you don’t want anything. Encourage them to live their retirement comfortably and put a will / POA in place to ensure their wishes are carried out (whatever they may be). Keep reiterating that it’s their money and you don’t want it, every single time they mention it, just shut it down straight away. Tell them you’re doing just fine on your own thanks, proud to be independent and don’t need to wait for them to kick the bucket.

Just see less of them

The problem with dementia (if it is dementia) is that it doesn't listen to reasoning or logic.

Trying to get one up on them if it is dementia is not only probably completely futile, it's also morally wrong. It's an illness and has to be treated as such, not with attempts at petty point scoring that some people suggest.

I deal with older people professionally and discussing their affairs. One thing I’ve noticed is that as people age their cognitive abilities definitely do decline and they do often become less rational and fixate on things and worry about things; even when it’s not relevant to them. They’re obviously very proud of their wealth/it’s part of their identity. And they’ve obviously heard tales of children being after it / had someone talk to them about inheritance planning. And they’ve somehow put 2+2=5 and feel concerned that you’re all after their money. If I were you I’d probably be very robust with them, they’ve never helped you yet so you’re not expecting anything and they should really stop insinuating as it’s quite offensive. BUT I wouldnt necessarily expect the to be effective it would just make me feel better and I’d go less contact. Honestly they don’t sound very nice.

Sorry OP, but your parents sound awful.

I would be taking a massive step back from these people. Hurtful and upsetting as it is, I couldn’t be around people who appear to be actively gloating at their good fortune and rubbing their children’s noses in it.

It crossed my mind that they may be being targeted by some con artist or charity effectively grooming them to ensure their funds are available and not left to family.

Or is could be dementia.

Most of us, whether we are the elderly parents or the next generation down don't talk about such matters.

Wills are written, usually to help the next generation down fairly and equally. They are then put away until that rainy day.

We as the younger generation know that there's a certain amount of money coming our way BUT that it may be lessened if care needs to be bought in.

As the older generation we know we have a certain amount of money - but feel we need to keep some/all in reserve if we need to buy car in for ourselves.

I'm in the middle - one elderly Mum in care and 3 adult children.

My mum is past any decision making and doesn't always remember my name - but when she was able and when my Dad was alive they helped us out from time to time.

Similarly I've helped my children out.

The OP's parents do seem a bit odd - and are possibly digging a hole for themselves when they need more actual care and attention.

Sad really.

Unless you feel strongly enough to go NC (which does seem a bit extreme) then I'd try to totally ignore any mention of money or inheritance - swiftly change the subject with a smile and try to not let it bother you. If you do fall out with them over it.....well, they'll have been proved right (even though they haven't!).

Their comment to your brother is actually cruel OP. They seem to be taking delight in the fact that they have not helped. I do not think they have to help but to keep talking about it in such a gleeful way is awful. Have you tried making a bit of a game of it?

Maybe next time they start up again just loudly say how gauche and crass it is to constantly talk about money or laugh and take the piss a bit about not wanting their ill-gotten gains? Fair enough if the money had been earned but I always find it so crass when people crow about inheritance.

We had the situation where the in-laws were paying for one terms school fees a year for each grandchild. They did so for three years. They then changed their minds and said it was theirs to spend as they saw fit, followed by some strange money grabbing comments. We all continue but shut down any money talk with the ‘you will need to fund your care homes’ argument.

Grandkids went to uni and all of a sudden they were being given £1k a year. All the DC are employed with well paid jobs, parents still working and the in-laws are now worried about the amount of tax that will be paid on their estate and we should have done this, that and the other. So conversations are all about gifts blah blah. Other DiL cut straight to the chase saying gifting is all very well but how likely are you to live another 7 years (brutal but they are 88).

So just keep talking about how expensive care homes are and mention that it could be that the house has to be sold to pay for it.

When my mum became nasty and made inappropriate (not sexual) and very out of character comments it turned out to be dementia.
If they’ve been otherwise loving and nice parents I’d be worried it was a health issue.

Next move may be promising legacies to some not others …divide and conquer … don’t know if it would hold up legally but the siblings could have an agreement that whatever is left is shared equally.

You know, I’m sure a good psychiatrist would have a field day with your parents… The things they said to your brother about him being able to do better with their help: it’s like they are trying to prove to you all (themselves?) That they are still relevant, they still matter and are needed.