No one in my household apologises. No one. Ever. You know if you’re out and about and a child accidentally (or may even on purpose) pushes your child, the parent would most likely apologise and perhaps even make the child apologise as well, even if it was an accident.
I apologise all the time, if I forget something or break something or bump into someone in a shop, or turn up late, etc. - there are a load of reasons to apologise and I’m not afraid of doing it at all…
I feel like I’ve somehow failed at getting my kids to apologise. If my kids have an argument and one pushes the other for example I will tell them off - saying it’s not acceptable behaviour and they must apologise. But they never do or they do that thing where they eye roll and say “sorry!” in a sort of Kevin the teenager style. Thankfully when we’re out and about they tend not to get into scrapes with other kids - they are usually on the receiving end of stuff like that but at home there are arguments, wrestling, occasional pushing and shoving, usual sibling stuff, but most of the time accidents happen because they get carried away and/ or don’t realise their own strength. I tell them that even if it was an accident, if you hurt someone you must apologise. But they never do. I can stand there and say apologise please, over and over again, they just don’t do it.
Usually the culprit bursts into tears out of guilt for hurting their sibling or just because they think it’ll get them out of apologising, which to be fair it usually does.
It doesn’t help that my DP never apologises for anything ever either so they have most likely learned it from him but what I don’t understand is that I probably apologise as much as DP doesn’t apologise but why are they emulating his behaviour and not mine?!
Just this evening, I was sitting on the floor putting DS to bed, DD is on the top bunk and a book falls off and hits me on the head. It really hurt so I shouted “ow!”. It made me jump as well so I didn’t have time to temper my reaction - it just came out. Now, if that had been me I’d have immediately said “oh, I’m so sorry, are you OK?” But no. DD said nothing. She looked over the edge of the bed to see what had fallen off and then disappeared, without saying word. I said her name a few time and she didn't respond. I said, “are you there? Are you Ok?” And she replied “yes”. I said “you really ought to apologise for that, even though I know it was an accident, it still hurt so you should say sorry.” I got nothing back, just silence. I’m sure she is feeling bad about it so I made sure not to tell her off as I know it was an accident. I got up off the floor to check on her and she seemed to be pretending to be asleep… she is 9.
This is just one example. There are plenty more and I’m just wondering if apologising is in fact the correct reaction to things like that?! I’ve been a bit of a doormat my whole life, massive people pleaser, etc etc. so now I’m thinking maybe I missed the memo and people don’t say sorry anymore?!
I’m now feeling bad that I’ve picked on DD as the example here because actually out of all my kids she is the most empathetic and caring. Like I say, I’ve got countless examples of DS doing or saying things and I’ll say “that’s not nice/ kind, you need to apologise to X for what you said/ did” or my other DD (preteen) saying “I don’t care!’ for the millionth time and I tell her not to speak to me that way and to apologise, but she never does…
Same with DP, if we argue and he says something hurtful to me, even if I point out that it was hurtful, he doesn’t say sorry. I mean I’d prefer it if he didn’t say hurtful things tbf but if he does then I think, especially if I say, “that was a bit below the belt” or that was a hi hurtful” he should say sorry.
And then I don’t know what to do at that juncture… with a child you can start moving through the hierarchy of threats, no screen time until you apologise, etc etc. but with a grown adult, what have you got? Nothing! I normally feel shit for a few days, perhaps I don’t talk to him because I just can’t bring myself to after what he said or did, but then a week goes by and I think we can’t keep going like this, he’s not going to apologise so let’s just move on. Then I hate myself for not maintaining a boundary, etc. but figure what else is there to do? Leave?!
Please someone just tell me that apologising after you doing something wrong/ or hurtful, whether on purpose or not warrants an apology? In my opinion is shows emotional maturity and accountability?! I don’t see it as a sign of weakness or admission of guilt or whatever other reason people might have for not apologising, I see it as a sign of respect - that you accept that you’ve hurt or upset someone, whether intentional or not, and you are trying to make amends?