Colleague tension - bullying or not?

[Difficultppl]

I've been in a new role for a little while and have sensed that one of my coworkers doesn't particularly warm to me. They've made a few subtle digs and comments, which I've mostly just ignored.

Things came to a head recently in a small internal meeting. They shared an update with the group, but I happened to have some additional, more recent information. It wasn’t something they could have known—this particular piece had come up due to a slightly different approach we’d had to take. I briefly added the updated info during the meeting, thinking it was helpful and not a big deal.
Afterwards, the coworker confronted me—quite angrily and in front of others—demanding to know why I hadn't shared the update with them beforehand. They said I'd embarrassed them. I hadn’t intentionally withheld anything; I simply didn’t realise it would be an issue.

I later asked to speak with them 1:1, and explained it wasn’t intentional, that I’d keep them updated in future, and suggested that if there’s an issue going forward, we talk privately rather than in front of others. I tried to keep it constructive and avoid making things worse.

Still, I’ve been left feeling pretty humiliated by how it was handled publicly, and even more isolated. I do get the sense they treat me differently from others, and I’m starting to feel a bit out of place.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this in a new role? Would really appreciate any advice on how to navigate it going forward.

I’m not sure how well I handled the interaction also. I explained that it was an oversight to not include them, said that I had their back (I do! I would never set out to play games) and said I honestly didn’t think it was an issue and wanted to avoid it escalating. I’ve also been going through a bereavement on the side so just said I was a little raw still and I’d appreciate if I could also be treated with grace.

Never bare your soul / pour your heart out like that, you make yourself very vulnerable to someone who is quite possibly power tripping on winding you up. It happens a lot in the workplace. Mainly due to jealousy/ insecurity.

I'd keep her at a distance.

It's hard to say without more info. If this was something you were working on together, they were right to question why you hadn't told them beforehand.

They were wrong to challenge you in front of others though either way.

Can you give more details? It's hard to form an opinion otherwise.
Sorry for your loss.

I wouldn’t have challenged you in front of colleagues but I would have told you privately that I felt let down by you not giving me the information beforehand (if it was something glaringly obvious that you should have mentioned).

Did you know that this person was giving an update on this subject (eg are they the subject matter expert / owner, or was it on the agenda that they would be doing this?). If so then yes yoh should have probably updated them prior to the meeting.

That doesn't excuse them having a go at you infront of everyone but i can see how they possibly felt like you were trying to get one over on them in the meeting

This. If they are the senior manager they should have been advised before others. Why didn’t you tell them before the meeting?

It’s difficult to explain properly without being more outing but let’s say they are in charge of presenting pupil updates to our colleagues, across all school years.

at the last minute, for one form group, we weren’t able to obtain these in the usual way. So we had to do a last minute change and get it directly from all relevant sources.

this person announced that there were no updates (they had checked the docs proactively) and I jumped in and said on this occasion there had been as we’d had to approach it slightly differently. We had only received them that morning. I do get their consternation but it’s upsetting me as they treat me really poorly but also never give me the benefit of the doubt!

They’re not senior to me, we’re both teachers. It was my form group and as I say it was done at the last minute.

they do frequently make digs, leave me out of things, make little jokes that feel targeted

Please don't tie yourself in knots, questioning if it's bullying. It is. Or at least it's the start of it. I had very very similar in a role a few years back, where I worked alongside another woman who took umbrage to the fact that I'd sent an email without ccing her in. It was related to a project we both worked on but was inconsequential to the task at hand and was utterly unimportant in the scheme of things. Like you, I went to great lengths to explain myself and reassure her that I was doing nothing underhand and wanted to get along as colleagues, but she felt it was a great slight and I was undermining her. From that point onwards she marked my card - refused to be civil, blanked me in the office and mocked my contributions in meetings. I left as I couldn't bear to work in such a toxic environment. There is something seriously wrong with these individuals; they believe everyone is ' playing game's or trying to rub up to management when like you, I was just doing my job. They are damaged people with fragile egos. If you want to see how this will play out, make a log of any future negative interactions and don't be afraid of going to hr asap before it spirals - I wish I hadn't let her get the better of me.

They were rude regardless.

You have new information and if there wasn’t any time before the meeting or you thought they already knew, they likely still would have had a problem if you had brought it up after the meeting to them.

Sounds like they have an issue with you for some reason than you actually doing something wrong.

They could have easily said “oh, thank you for letting us know” and kept it moving.

Thanks all

The way to do this if the situation comes up again…

Mary; So all of the pens were sorted by color, we ended up with 400 black, 700 blue, and 1000 red
Difficultppl: Oh Mary, I’m sorry that I didn’t have time to get you this information I was in the pen sorting department for an unrelated reason and they found a mistake. It wasn’t 1000 red, it was 500 each of red and green. The boxes were mislabeled.

This only works though if you didn’t have time to tell them 😁

Most people understand that information can come in the last minute and you’re publicly stating that they hadn’t missed anything. Being blindsided in a meeting is infuriating even if you had no reasonable way of knowing the information.

On the whole she was annoyed with you. She told she was annoyed. Let it go.

You already made the wise move by suggesting future concerns be handled privately.

I would let this go for now.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, as long as you shared the new information appropriately. I think it’s likely she’s jealous of you or feels intimidated by your abilities. In your shoes I’d be overly nice and kill her with kindness.