To ask advice on coping with sending my child on holiday with an unsafe parent

[OrangeCrushes]

No, I don't have any choice about it. Family courts and social workers don't care, and I would risk losing my child if I were perceived to be interfering with her relationship with her father.

She is currently away and will be gone for a week. The father has previously made video chats and calls so unpleasant that my daughter does not want to have them this time.

They are on a beach holiday and I am fearful that he won't watch her properly.

How do I cope? I'm so worried and miss her so much.

We'll probably need to know her age in order to give advice.

I'm so sorry op I'm dreading this. How old is daughter? Can you drill safety messages into her before you go?
And write him a list of things like sun cream and sea and pool safety tips.
Is anyone else going like his gf or mum that you can reach out to and plead for some reassurance?

If you really think he's that bad you could
Also email a photo of her to the hotel and say this father and daughter are coming but he is not careful please can the lifeguards look out for her around the pool.

If she is really young you could also fly out and have a solo holiday closeby so you'll be there if she really needs you

I have no advice but really do feel for you. This is precisely why many women stay with rubbish partners - so that their children don't have to spend time alone with said rubbish partners. Wish the courts would realise this.

She is 8 years old, not so far from 9. On the plus side, she's reasonably sensible and risk averse, but there will be other children there as well.

From the OP

She is currently away and will be gone for a week.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum unfortunately, his gf is absolutely psycho.

They are staying in a flat with a pool and I don't think it has a lifeguard. I did drill a few safety tips into my daughter and I badgered him about water safety, which he probably found annoying but took with uncharacteristically good grace.

It's possible that I am worrying over nothing as the girlfriend is probably more responsible than he is. But I know from experience that he's lazy and careless about looking after children.

Absolutely.

I always find I am more “on it” when I have my kids (4 under age 6) alone. When DH and I are both on an outing with the kids is hard to know who is watching who and keeping tabs. If I know I am on my own I know I am 100% responsible for their safety.

Also take comfort in the fact he will not want to “screw up” when she is in his watch and have to report it back to you.

I entirely agree. It's sad that staying with him was utterly unsustainable for me.

Hopefully it will be his first and last holiday with her. He might deem it too much hard work! 🤣 i feel for you op. Get her a phone for the future so you can keep in touch x

I can imagine this is really hard for you. My DC didn't ever have time like this with their father alone so I don’t know the feeling.
But in the last week I have been on holiday with my DP and his children and I was always there by the pool if he was not, but that is maybe my maternal instinct.

She has a phone which she took on a trip with him previously. She did not feel able to communicate with me using the phone because he kept looking at it. (I sent her a couple of loving but neutral messages and she sent nothing back).

He is coercively controlling and domineering. She did not want to take the phone with her this time.

Oh at 8/9 she should be much more sensible and she'll be obedient for fear of rocking the boat with him. I would feel confident she'll be ok, I was imagining a three year old that might waddle off.

You've done all you can. TRY and enjoy some of this time to yourself with a massage or something nice!

you poor thing. The courts are so shit. Hopefully she is having an ok time and is safe. They don’t seem to recognise cohesive control and it’s all about what the man wants. She’ll be home soon so try and do something for you to keep busy until she’s back

Obviously she is away now, but for future trips, you make sure your dd knows what to do if the indifferent parent disappears. If she feels threatened or frightened or alone. She's to go to a traffic warden or police office or female shop assistant and ask for help.

My ds had tape printed with my phone number inside his shoes and the cuff of his coat.

You add reverse charge calling from her phone to yours. You show her how to text you quietly and then delete it. You set the tracking app so you can see her phone's location and lock the settings.

Thankfully yours, like mine, is sensible but reassure her that you will always go and get her if she asks, any hour of the day or night, no matter where she is.

It's rotten that the courts don't prevent this nonsense, but you still did the right thing leaving. x

Recently experienced this with mine under the age of 7. I couldn’t risk it so went along with them- staying at the same resort but different buildings. So glad I went as their dad was short-tempered and controlling as usual.

In future could you come up with a code she could use to text you? So if she’s worried about him reading it it seems ok? Something like if she’s homesick use the word ‘brilliant’ or if she’s scared to say she’s ‘fabulous’? Idk is that too complex?

Has your daughter had swimming lessons?

But you had a child with him so you will have navigate this as she has 2 parents she is in this position now and always will be so you can only teach her as best you can how cope with it by airing her woth as much to keep her safe

A sensible 8 year old is unlikely to wander off or do anything risky. If she decided not to take her phone, it sounds like she knows how to keep in dad's good books. I understand your angst but try to trust in her good sense and presumably her father has some concern for her, even if he "parents" very differently. I think the children of separated warring parents get used to knowing how to deal with each of them (sadly).

Pools at resorts rarely have life guards ime, though some do (and break all UK rules re length of time allowed on duty etc, so not necessarily effective). But other parents round the pool will be looking out for their children so may notice others as well. I once alerted a mother to her child in difficulties - she blamed him and didn't thank me, but I put that down to guilt.

8 year olds generally have decently developed self-preservation skills.

The big thing is her knowing to stay away from the pool if it's unsupervised. (No matter her swimming ability)

Tragically, this is so true.

No words of advice, OP, but just wanting to send a huge hug. I really feel for you and all women in similar situations.