To struggle to sympathise with self-inflicted misery?

[TheNavyAnt]

I know life can be tough and everyone goes through struggles, but I find it hard to sympathise when people keep making the same bad choices and then complain about the consequences. Whether it’s staying in toxic relationships, refusing to take action to improve their situation, or constantly playing the victim - at what point do we stop feeling sorry for people who refuse to help themselves?

I know that’s probably an unpopular view but AIBU to feel this way?

I think it’s a little bit short-sighted. You’re not accounting for the unconscious that keeps people trapped in cycles.

I totally get what you’re saying. It’s frustrating when you support someone who is going through something only for them to end up not making the change needed to come out the other side. Sadly though, some do not have the capacity to change even if they want to.

Whereas I totally see why you find such people hard to sympathise with I
think you probably don't have much awareness of why people are programmed to self destruct.

It's impossible to underestimate the effect of abusive or neglectful childhoods on the psyche of individuals.

Or the destruction of self esteem caused by abusive and dysfunctional relationships.

Many people get to the point where they are programmed to accept abusive relationships as the norm. They know deep down it isnt right but they have no idea of what is normal because they have never experienced it.

I don’t think YABU to feel that way, but I don’t think it’s as simple as refusing to help themselves. It’s very nuanced, normally rooted in trauma, and rarely is there a black and white route out of the situation they’re in.

Personally I just gloss over it (I have a few family members in shitty, dead-end min wage jobs that they’re always complaining about, but never try and leave) and try to seem understanding without getting drawn into the drama or giving it much emotional bandwidth.

Some good points made above related to trauma, the subconscious and being trapped in cycles. Look up the drama triangle and alternatives to playing the ‘rescuer’ role if you want to support someone stuck in ‘victim’ mode.

YABU. People I see who continually make bad choices are not doing so on purpose. Often they just don't know how to get out of the situation or make better choices. People are rarely in shitty situations because they want to be.

I think we can all be guilty of judging people by our own standards. 'If I were in that situation I'd just.......:'. It's not that simple.

I hear you, but it's more complex than that. Many reasons why people make bad decisions

It can help to ask "are you looking for support or advice?"

Or ask " do you want things to change? If so, what could you do?"

Sometimes people just want to be heard, in which case nod and smile

I agree that it's very frustrating OP, but people can only be helped when they are ready to help themselves.

YABU, insensitive and harsh.
I hope you are never caught up in a bad relationship that has unintentionally trapped you.
Or caught up in the nightmare of addiction