To feel excluded

[Hickorydickorydoc]

DH's grandma has recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness and given a few months to live. There is just MIL, SIL and DH on his side of the family - and me. We've been together nearly 17 years and have children together, and generally all get on well. I've been going on at DH for ages that he needs to arrange to see her, and this was pre diagnosis.
SIL has now arranged for my DH, herself and MIL to meet their grandma for a "family meeting" about getting her affairs in order - funeral, will etc.

MIL and SIL both live alone and there is no other family. I get on with his grandma really well - probably seen her more than DH has. Provided a lot of support to her when she was in hospital a while back. AIBU to be upset that I have been completely excluded from this "family meeting"? Or is this just me being sensitive, and it's clearly only for immediate family (I'm the only one not "blood" related). I get that they may be discussing the will, and clearly that will only involve DH - and they may feel me being there could be awkward. I don't expect to be part of those discussions, although DH thinks it may involve our children - but the way I see it is it's not really a "family discussion"… surely she decides where her money goes and that's that.
I'm more sad that I won't be part of any discussions about her end of life plans - she is a really lovely lady, really pragmatic and down to earth. She will want certain decisions when it comes to end of life, and as I have a health background I have a good understanding and am able to advocate for her well. I guess my worry is that SIL and MIL (who both like to take the reins in any given situation) will disregard her wishes and do what they think is best, or what they would want in that situation - not her. DH shares similar views to his grandma but just cannot stand up for himself at all and won't advocate. He will just agree with whatever MIL and SIL want.
Tbh maybe I am dodging a bullet here and it's a good thing I'm not involved, as it will stress me out. I just feel sad, pushed out, and sad for his grandma too. I feel like I've always been segregated from "the family " when it suits, but of course I'm an integral part when it comes to any expectations of me. SIL has pushed for this meeting, as otherwise grandma would have called herself.

I think I'm probably being unreasonable (happy to be told so) and I've not been in the best headspace recently so maybe this is impacting how I feel. but I do just feel sad and like after all these years and children I'm still not considered part of the family.

YABU - you're being ridiculous, it's absolutely not about you

YANBU - it's normal to feel sad when you're excluded from important family things that mean a lot to you

I think you’re entitled to feel sad that they use you when you’re useful but city you out at times like this. I also think they are being very silly not to get the views if someone who both knows the lady in question but also has professional knowledge of a sad situation. I actually think your husband should insist you are there. I also think you should not help with anything you are “volunteered” for in your absence!

I disagree with the PP who says that your husband should insist that you are there.

As much as you get on with this lady, she is not your grandma and you are not her immediate family. MIL, SIL and your DH are her family and as such, should be the ones to be dicussing these matters with her. I don't think that you should be at all involved in discussing her end of life plans.

Hopefully not too outing, but by those standards none of us should be there at all - as none of them are actually blood relatives to grandma. They are related through marriage. MIL's parent remarried after being widowed. We are her only family. DH and I married the most recently is all.

Yes stay out of it. They don’t need another 4th opinion about stuff. But support your DH to speak up for himself and his DM. You could be being very unfair to them and it might all be ok.

I think perhaps there are two conversations to be had - one around GM life, health and funeral, and the other around the will.
Has anyone asked GM what she would like?

If you feel strongly that decisions won’t be in her interest next time you visit can you get a sense of her wishes so DH is equipped for his meeting with MIL/SIL?

If she wants you there, wouldn’t she ask you to come?

Well, yes. Which is why I feel excluded and like I'm not considered part of the family. The point of the thread.

No doubt your DH will relay back to you what’s discussed and you can discuss with him what you think and that will be fed back into the discussion with MIL and SIL so your voice will be heard.

Yes, absolutely. Tbh I'm pretty sure this will mostly be about the will, as I know SIL has had some discussions already with DH about tweaking it.
DH reassures me I absolutely am seen as family but I just don't need to be there. He thinks it's just my perception and being sensitive. Which fair enough.
I'll definitely have a chat with him and make sure he feels happy advocating for his grandma if he needs to. I'll be seeing her soon but not before they meet.
I think the less I know about it the better now, as all it will do is stress me out to hear about what the plan is.

Tweaking the will? SIL cant just change it to whatever she wants.

I can see why you’d feel that way and would need to keep a distance - I certainly would too. I’d find it crass that the moneygrubbers come out of the woodwork…. It is perhaps a lesson to MiL and your DH around what to expect from sil in the event of her own future illness / demise.

As much as I adore my DIL, and I really do, I just want my dc there for these discussions when my time comes.

That's no reflection on her, or how much she means to me at all, I just don't think it's the place of inlaws to be making decisions or advocating for me etc. That could make my dc feel pushed out, and they are my main priority.

No, that's why she has organised the meeting to discuss it. I think it's completely wrong - nobody is entitled to anything, and anything they do get they should be grateful for. It's also partly why I want to be there, as I'm probably the only one that would speak up and say it's nobody's decision but hers and there should be no discussion at all! But anyway. There we go. I don't think DH will advocate and I think they'll all be railroaded into doing what SIL wants. He's now said it's just about the will and probably not really to do with funeral etc. so I will just stay out of it!

My SIL also excludes me from WA group chat to discuss a welfare of family member with dementia. It hurts at first but now I see it as a blessing as I don't want to be involved with petty family drama. And like you, I am seen as a one unit with DH anyway so it doesn't bother me now.

Why do you need to feel included on this occasion?

Is there a middle ground where you offer to be there for any part of the discussion where healthcare options are considered so you can contribute your knowledge and experience, but make clear you’re happy to go and read a book in another room while they deal with the financial side of things?

And if you get on with GM, can you call/visit her and offer to be her medical POA, since you have both the experience and the understanding that it is what she wants that needs to be prioritised?

Sorry, I thought it had been arranged by the others and it was them who had excluded you. Obviously they all feel only family are to be included….tbh, when my time comes, it would only be my nephews/nieces I would want to be in involved in my final arrangements.

You going makes it an unequal balance of 2:1. You and your husband against SIL. Maybe you going and being able to advocate translates to them, you potentially railroading rather than SIL?

Ultimately, an inlaw is always only an inlaw regardless of how positive the relationship.

It is very hurtful whatever the reason you're being excluded so I feel for you in that regard.

I wonder if GM has asked the family to arrange this meeting to discuss her affairs? Is that possible OP? Does she lack capacity?

Thanks for the perspectives. I suppose when I think about it in terms of discussing this in the future with my own children I can definitely see why you'd only really want your children / grandchildren there, not their spouses. I guess the fact that the family is very small (it's just SIL, MIL, DH and I) means I'm the only one not going in the whole family on their side.
And as they aren't biological family either - MIL is not her daughter so DH and SIL aren't related to grandma by blood either, it makes it a bit more hurtful for me. I can see it is probably just my own perspective and I'll have to just get over my feelings.
I will have a chat on my own with her anyway, and DH will just tell me everything that's discussed.
I could offer to be medical POA and I'd 100% be a fairer and more accurate representation of her wishes, and I do have the knowledge to really do right by her. However that idea would be squashed immediately by MIL and SIL and would go down like a lead balloon - they are both quite controlling in general (not in a bad way but just their personalities ) so I think best not go there!

Yes, she's asked them to. SIL has spoken to her about the will and she asked SIL (according to SIL) to then arrange a meeting with the rest of the family to chat about it and other things, hence she has messaged MIL and DH to meet DG and her. She does have capacity.