To think people care more about being seen as kind than actually being kind?

[PoliteCoralMaker]

It’s why performative empathy thrives online and real accountability doesn’t.

Hence the Sandie Peggie tribunal.

Ditto all the corporate pride flags. Cheap advertising of their “kindness”.

I especially liked the train redecorated as a rainbow flag when disabled people can’t even use many of the bloody trains due to lack of accessibility.

Two of my grandmother’s favourite sayings come to mind:
All fur coat and no knickers and Fine words butter no parsnips.

“Be kind” is middle class for STFU. There is a lot of performance kindness yes.

A lot of it is women desperately performing stereotypical feminine behaviour hoping it means they will be spared the worst of male behaviour.

It’s often known as being nice vs being kind. A lot of people are nice but not kind which I think is what you’re describing. Similarly you can be not “nice” (as in polite or fawning) but be kind.

Agreed. I find this in a way with people being racist or misogynist. They have no issue BEING those things. They just don’t want to be called that. They want to believe they are a good person without being a good person.

I disagree. I encounter kindness every day and it's nit performative. It's just what you look out for I suppose.

Calling middle-aged women names for not having the same beliefs as you - and even threatening to kill them, rape them, and rape and kill their daughters - when those same women are the generation that got women the freedom they have now - is nothing to do with being kind. #Bekind in this sort of case is literally a load of bollocks.

We were just talking about this. The ones who go on about being kind rarely are. Was listening to my colleague the other day saying how SICK her kids get of her constantly telling them to be kind, but you know, she keeps saying it anyway as it’s so important! Everyone else nodding solemnly. .

Shes one of the biggest cows I’ve ever worked with.

There's very little accountability online.

People can be who they want to be rather than who they actually are.

Particularly on Mumsnet where name changing means they can be 'lovely' on one thread and a complete prick on the next.

This is interesting. I also think many people simply do not CARE about racism, homophobia and misogyny (especially racism). Like, they can’t get excited by it in any way. They wouldn’t want to be called a racist, homophobe, etc., I’m sure, but as issues these things are not part of their lives in any way. It’s not even that they are okay with potentially being racist, homophobic, it simply doesn’t cross their mind.

Agree with this. I often think many people don’t know the difference between being nice and being kind. I compare it to whether one chooses being a friend (kind) or an enabler (nice).

My sisters other half has been like this as long as I've known him.

Constant posts online about how nice and lovely he is. But heaven help you if you want him to do something that isn't his favourite, or where he won't be centre of attention.

For me, integrity is more important than kindness. Often what disadvantages people is systems, policy and practice. It’s often kinder in the long run to be principled, empathetic and honest

The gender critical stance, is a good example. Far easier to say you’re being ‘kind’ and do the EDI hand wringing, pronouns-in-emails and quietly hope you don’t have to share a toilet with a weird bloke than actually stand for the moral high ground by refuting the misogynistic nonsense of gender identity and be accused of bigotry.

Most people are cowardly and are all about self preservation. So if they think actually having integrity means they have to put their head above the parapet they won’t do it. This is why Hilter got voted in and the Germans ‘allowed’ the proliferation of nazism in WW2. Herd mentality.

My go to when I look for friends and trusted colleagues, is to see who behaves with integrity when no one is looking. That is usually an indication of a kind and good person. It’s certainly what I try to live up to.

Is this about the tribunal? If so fair enough.

In general though I find Mumsnet obsessed with almost anything being performative, as if doing anything good, expensive or challenging in a public space makes one a self involved show off. And I don't agree with that.

I think people use it as a talisman or way to hide in plain sight.

If they say it first or loudest, people will look where they are pointing and not at them. And they get to look good by doing so, as surely only a truly kind person would invoke kindness, right? ....RIGHT?

Indeed.

I work in the charity sector in London and I see that all the time in people who run these organisations and in charity Trustees: they publicly make a big deal of being caring and compassionate while in reality they behave like petty, selfish and bigoted bullies on a daily basis.

Eye opening...

I tend to think that the genuinely kind and selfless people just quietly go about their life doing good and being decent human beings without feeling the need to broadcast their 'good deeds' all over the place...

I think it's often about the way the person phrases it when they post.

So they'll do something clearly good but instead of just saying so, they'll try and disguise it as an AIBU because they're looking for a pat on the back. Which is fine but just be honest about it.

"An elderly lady fell while getting off the bus. Everyone stepped over her except me. I stopped, gave first aid and waited for the ambulance with her".

"Was I being unreasonable to do this because my friend was horrified and said she wouldn't have got involved, so now I'm doubting myself".

🙄🙄

What ridiculous examples? Corporate responsibility, decisions about inclusivity, and “be kind” as a slogan have nothing to do with each other. People don’t go to Pride or support trans rights because of a slogan like be kind, and they don’t do it to “virtue signal” but because they support and celebrate the thing they are supporting. Obviously. This is why you are getting your knockers in a twist over it. Because its not at all an empty gesture—it lets LGBTQ people know they are safe to be out in public, safe to live their lives. If it were utterly meaningless, like “save the whales!” There would be nithing for you to resent.

Oh yes!

Dare not to conform to the social construction of feminity, you could well be branded a whore, witch or unhinged.

Do we have the same work colleague? 😂

No one is saying that all kindness is performative, just that a lot of it is.

I think there's a lot of truth in this. Many posts on here tell people to educate themselves about issues but lots of people only do that when it becomes an issue for them.

It's not this that the Op is talking about.
It's the people who do something and put on MN "AIBU to give my last £5 to the person who couldn't afford to buy baby milk. She was so thankful she cried, but I'm wondering if I did the right thing?"

Or post on FB "I gave my last £5 to a lady at the shops who couldn't afford the baby milk. I know I probably should have saved it because I now haven't money to eat, but it's just the sort of person I am that I can't see someone else struggling. I'm just so kind."

And the real situation was probably nothing like this, and they didn't give anything. They didn't want to be kind; they wanted people to see them as kind.

The really kind people do pay for someone who's forgotten their money. They do hold the door open, or say a kind word. They offer a tissue and sit next to the grieving stranger. They listen to the person who is struggling at work.
What they don't do is stick in on SM for everyone to tell them how wonderful they are.

Generally people are only kind to those they judge deserve it. They seldom step outside their comfort zone to be kind to people who they don’t understand.

Humans are inherently divisive and that limits kindness