To feel really violated when people think I’m pregnant

[Maybenobabyinthere]

I have 2 DC. I have a medical condition that makes me look very pregnant (fibroids, and I can’t have surgery right now because of heart issues). I am otherwise tall and thin. As I have two small DC, I frequent places where women may well be PG, so everyone, everyone and his dog have commented over the past year about my ‘pregnancy’. From school mums ‘ I didn’t know you were expecting’, cafe owners, even nurses in the hospitals make reference to me being pregnant.

When strangers say ‘congratulations’, at kids parties, I just say ‘thanks’, but when people I know say it, I feel compelled to say ‘I’m not pregnant, I have a medical problem’. I’m naturally a really private person and I can’t bear having to disclose to everyone my private business, it makes me feel embarrassed for my shape and self conscious, for being a bit of freak! Today someone said ‘shouldn’t your baby have been born by now’, like I wasn’t aware!

Has anyone been though anything similar?

YANBU- yes, if you look pregnant, it is what it is. Be strong

YABU - making comment about anyone’s body is by definition invasive and impolite. People shouldn’t think it’s their business to ask or comment, especially strangers.

I wasn’t sure if you have your YABU and YANBU the wrong way round.

People just shouldn’t comment. Really sorry they put you through that OP and I hope your medical situation improves.

OP YANBU at all, it’s so hard when you’re slip with an obviously protruding ‘bump’ (I have lots of patient with fibroids). You shouldn’t have to dress to cover it, you shouldn’t have to feel embarrassing explaining it but sadly it’s an easy to mistake to make and people are usually trying to be kind or make conversation. Perhaps think of a stock phrase ‘not pregnant! Waiting for a procedure’, ‘no I’m not pregnant’ and a hard state whatever works for you as your go to come back to shut down further chat.

It’s tricky as some women like being asked (when they really are pregnant)… i am apple shaped and it is a bit awkward but i guess I’m used to it. It’s probably best not to say anything but it kinda takes fun out of life too if everyone had to worry about every well intentioned thing coming out their mouths

I wouldn't say i have a medical problem.. just look at them blankly and say "I'm not pregnant" it will make them feel worse and squirm, and that's fine cos every one knows you shouldn't really mention weight, body stuff..

Not sure which way to vote but I always follow the rule I heard once. Don’t assume or comment on someone being pregnant unless there is a baby currently exiting their vagina.
works for me….

Yes oh dear I got the YABU and YANBU mixed up! I’m tired… Thank-you so much for the solidarity. Yes I know I should just give a blanket and non explanatory answer of ‘I’m not pregnant’ and then divert my attention away. A part of me feels the need to be polite by mitigating the other person’s mistake by informing them it’s medical condition but I need to stop that.

I'm sorry if you have a bump & your slim people are going to assume , people shouldn't comment obviously but they probably think its a safe bet that you are , don't just say thankyou tell them your waiting on surgery for your fibroids .. I'm a very petite woman with chrones & other autoimmune issues when I flare up I have a bump ,it looks pretty safe to assume I'm pregnant & people have because except for the bump I'm tiny so i cant blame them, i just say no baby it's just chrones & move on .. I'm actually currently 7 months pregnant & until very recently I think I'd been congratulated more not pregnant than pregnant 😅 x

Comments aside, that must be horribly uncomfortable for you OP. Hope your health improves and you can have your surgery soon.
It's bad enough if you actually are pregnant as at least you know that will end!

It’s so hard and I wouldn’t be happy if someone thought I was pregnant when I’m not.
On the other side, I’ve been one of those people and I still cringe.
I was on a very busy train and a lady got on, she was tall and slim with a very noticeable ‘bump’. I’d have said at least 6 months. I offered her my seat and she wasn’t pregnant! I was so embarrassed!
I’m a midwife too, so I was very certain in my mind before I offered.
She was lovely about it, but it was very awkward.

OP yanbu. I've not voted as they seem the wrong way round.

I would never ever assume out loud that someone is pregnant. People just shouldn't!

I agree with others who have said stop explaining it. You don't need to explain. Just an "I'm not pregnant" and potentially a Paddington stare will do. Hopefully they won't do it again to anyone else!

People just shouldn't do this. At all.

I'd be tempted to just give them a hard stare and say that you are not pregnant. They'll squirm, but they'll deserve that and it might teach them to be more careful and sensitive in future.

Since the menopause I look like a boa constrictor that's swallowed a goat.
I was congratulated on my pregnancy a couple of years ago when I was 56 and the year before was upgraded on Eurostar because "you've got a little baby in there".
I was just pleased to think I looked that young.
I appreciate you're much younger than I am so wouldn't feel the same, but "violated"? Sorry, I don't see that. "Irritated" yes.

I have a very helpful badge I sometimes wear which says ‘Not pregnant, just fat’.

Yes this also happens to me! So many things make our stomachs swell. Not just pregnancy.

People have asked me if im pregnant several times

You don't need to tell them you have a medical condition. Just say you aren't pregnant. It's very rude to assume.

Its annoying.

So many things can cause a big belly on women

Being overweight
Liver problems
Fibroids
Peri menopause
Any number of illnesses

But its always assumed that we are pregnant
As society sees that as our default role.

If you say yourself it 'makes [you] look very pregnant' then it's not really other people's fault. Obviously pregnancy might not be the only reason, but it's more likely than not for most women with a bump.

I don't think it's unreasonable for this to bug you, but you would be unreasonable to be rude in response.

If these are passing acquaintances who are just being friendly and positive, they don't deserve hard stare / blunt comments to try to make them feel uncomfortable. And I don't really see how people you know well wouldn't already know.

I actually think saying it's a medical problem is vague and non personal and would have the effect you wanted without giving anything. No it's not anyone's business, but many medical problems are visible, or at least the effects, and once that makes sense to someone they stay out of it.

People are rude to presume you are pregnant. I’m not surprised it annoys you. Imagine if you had fertility problems and kept getting congratulated on being pregnant.

If I were you I’d regain some power by explaining to people who comment that you look pregnant that unless they want to risk upsetting someone that it would be best not to comment on women’s bumps. Ask them how they would feel if they accidentally congratulated someone on being pregnant that had recently lost a baby.

I wouldn’t be rude to people though.