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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it over?

10 replies

Stardust286 · 26/07/2025 17:20

Me and DP have been together for 9 years, one DS together (5).Recently he got a promotion which meant more workload and sometimes working 6 days a week, 14+ hours a day.
I also work full time in a SEN caring role, around school hours. All housework jobs, walking the dog, getting DS ready in a morning, taking him to his clubs etc are left to me. I can't remember the last time he helped around the house without me asking.
As a result, by the time I get into bed I'm knackered. The last thing I want is sex. It's been like this for months now and we've had the conversation that neither of us are happy. He's not happy I don't put out and I'm not happy doing all the housework and tidying myself, including tidying up after him most of the time.
He keeps saying he need to do more around the house but he's barely here and he's too tired from work.
We don't go out together anymore, have any date nights and it feels the beginning of the end. I also suspect I may have ADHD, lots of symptoms but I'm struggling with low self esteem and being touched which might contribute rather than just being tired. Another symptom is I can't just sit down if there's jobs to do whereas he will, I hate that he can just sit and relax. I just want him to help me. I start a job and end up starting 2 other jobs without finishing the first and it becomes so overwhelming.
Has anyone else been through this and come out the other end? I just don't know what the answer is anymore. Sorry for long post. AIBU for not been in the mood for sex but giving in anyway to make him happy?

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 26/07/2025 17:26

For starters I'd really decide which jobs you really need to do. If you're the sort of person who "has to be busy" all the time then I bet you can cut down on the frequency of doing all the chores.

If DH is working on average 14 hours 6 days a week I think he's sensible to rest.

I'll leave the sex bit for someone else to answer.

AlertCat · 26/07/2025 17:53

I think it’s not unreasonable to feel too tired for sex and also resentful that you’re carrying the entire domestic load.

As you are both working full time, could you employ someone to come in for a couple of hours to do the bigger jobs like hoovering and clean the bathroom, etc? Then maybe make a deal that each person tidies their own stuff, maybe into a named box of doom so it’s easy and quick. This might give you a bit of space to reconnect with him- that said, I’m amazed he has the energy for sex if he’s doing 84-hour weeks.

Longer term the work doesn’t sound sustainable. Is there any path to him reducing his hours to a more normal level?

TickyandTacky · 26/07/2025 17:58

Do you want to change things?

Or do you want people to tell you you're right not to want sex because you're tired form housework?

Original poster
Stardust286 · 26/07/2025 18:05

TickyandTacky · 26/07/2025 17:58

Do you want to change things?

Or do you want people to tell you you're right not to want sex because you're tired form housework?

I duno? Is it normal to not be in the mood for sex because you're too busy tidying up after everyone else. I feel like there's 3 people here but only I clean up, eg picking up cups he's left out, clothes left lying around, last night I had all the clean clothes laid out on the bed in piles of who's is who before I put them away and he just climbed into bed. No offer of helping put any of it away. I don't know what I expect from this post really

OP posts:
AlertCat · 26/07/2025 19:27

He probably thinks that as he works more hours at his official work than you do at yours, you ‘should’ be doing more at home. It would annoy me too, it does annoy me when it happens here, so I really don’t think YABU. I don’t have any further suggestions to what I said before as to how to solve it, though. At weekends house jobs should definitely be shared even if you compensate for his long days by picking up more in the week. It’s not fair for you never to get a break.

Original poster
Stardust286 · 26/07/2025 19:34

AlertCat · 26/07/2025 19:27

He probably thinks that as he works more hours at his official work than you do at yours, you ‘should’ be doing more at home. It would annoy me too, it does annoy me when it happens here, so I really don’t think YABU. I don’t have any further suggestions to what I said before as to how to solve it, though. At weekends house jobs should definitely be shared even if you compensate for his long days by picking up more in the week. It’s not fair for you never to get a break.

Thank you, yes a cleaner definitely would help but unfortunately we can't afford one. He doesn't contribute on a weekend to housework because he's been working all week. All I ask is that he walks the dog for me in a morning on a Saturday when he's not at work but he always finds an excuse so it's easier to keep quiet and do it myself x

OP posts:
Original poster
Stardust286 · 26/07/2025 19:40

Thank you, yes a cleaner definitely would help but unfortunately we can't afford one. He doesn't contribute on a weekend to housework because he's been working all week. All I ask is that he walks the dog for me in a morning on a Saturday when he's not at work but he always finds an excuse so it's easier to keep quiet and do it myself x

OP posts:
FoggyDay58 · 26/07/2025 19:59

I was where you are and then my husband had an affair. Wish we'd had therapy together at that point.

TickyandTacky · 26/07/2025 20:28

I think that recognising your dh is also exhausted from working 6 days a week and that it's not a competition is a start.

In your example, another option would have been to put the clean washing to one side, and got in to bed with your husband.

I've certainly learnt to prioritise my relationship, physically and emotionally, over housework. It will always be there, your husband might not be. It would have meant about 3 minutes in the morning to put it away and after sleeping and sex you both might have got more energetic to get some jobs done.

Original poster
Stardust286 · 26/07/2025 20:32

TickyandTacky · 26/07/2025 20:28

I think that recognising your dh is also exhausted from working 6 days a week and that it's not a competition is a start.

In your example, another option would have been to put the clean washing to one side, and got in to bed with your husband.

I've certainly learnt to prioritise my relationship, physically and emotionally, over housework. It will always be there, your husband might not be. It would have meant about 3 minutes in the morning to put it away and after sleeping and sex you both might have got more energetic to get some jobs done.

You're right, I needed this feedback. I can't relax if a job needs doing so maybe it's me that needs to work on myself and priorities and try and put less pressure on myself to have all the jobs done

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