Wedding invite to BIL

junefrog · 2025-07-26T15:58:23+00:00

My long-term partner and I are getting married. It's very low key, register office and then a little field with a marquee type affair - nothing fancy and close friends and family only. My best friend I've been friends with for twenty is years is going to be my "best person" along with my seven year old son from a previous relationship. I'm not having bridesmaids or anything, purely to honour their relationship and role in my life. Anyway, my brother-in-law recently took a dislike to my best friend due to an employment issue. My friend did nothing wrong at all. They worked within the same large organisation but not close colleagues. Anyway, BIL took offence to and became very aggressive, intimidating, violent and homophobic to both my friend and his male partner at a work goodbye party for my friend, to the extent my friend has said he he's scared to come to the wedding if BIL is there. Am I wrong to disinvite him and just invite sister and nieces / nephews? I'm sure it would cause chaos for my parents, but my friend's presence is my priority.

Cherrysoup · 26/07/2025 17:00

What does your dp say if it’s his/her sibling?

LakieLady · 26/07/2025 17:01

YANBU, I wouldn't spend time with anyone homophobic, especially if they were inclined to be aggressive and violent.

Original poster

junefrog · 26/07/2025 17:02

It's my sister's husband

OP posts:

ForeverPombear · 26/07/2025 17:04

If he's been in your life for 20 years then I assume your sister at least knows him a bit. What does she say about her husbands behaviour?

ExtraOnions · 26/07/2025 17:08

I suppose the question is, is your friends attendance, more important than your sisters? That should answer your question for you.

Your friend has put you in a really difficult position, and I don’t think there is any answer that won’t piss someone off … it’s just the question of who you want to piss off least.

Will your parents not come, if your sister refuses?

Confabulations · 26/07/2025 17:11

Your friend has put you in a really difficult position

No, here BIL being a violent homophobe is the one who has put her in a difficult position. I wouldn't want someone like that at my wedding regardless of their relationship to me.

Original poster

junefrog · 26/07/2025 17:12

ForeverPombear · 26/07/2025 17:04

If he's been in your life for 20 years then I assume your sister at least knows him a bit. What does she say about her husbands behaviour?

He's been a close family friend, been on holidays, spent Christmas with us. What my BIL did was beyond the pale really. My friend is trying not to put me in a difficult position and said he'd just get on with it but I can tell he'd hate the day, feel intimidated and leave early and he's so important to me, the most important really. All the years I was a single mum, he was there. My sister is supporting her husband and trying to justify his behaviour. If she chooses not to come, I suppose id feel upset but not as upset as if my friend didn't come or came but felt awkward and sad and like he couldn't do his speech etc

OP posts:

ExtraOnions · 26/07/2025 17:14

Confabulations · 26/07/2025 17:11

Your friend has put you in a really difficult position

No, here BIL being a violent homophobe is the one who has put her in a difficult position. I wouldn't want someone like that at my wedding regardless of their relationship to me.

Agree his behaviour is wrong, but, this current situation is because the friend doesn’t want to attend because the BIL is there. If the friend has said nothing, current situation would not have come about.

BIL sounds awful, and I’m not defending him.. the OP is now in a very difficult position, not of her own making.

BlankBlankBlank14 · 26/07/2025 17:18

Oh how awkward, BIL deserves to be uninvited. Have you discussed with your sister?

ForeverPombear · 26/07/2025 17:21

junefrog · 26/07/2025 17:12

He's been a close family friend, been on holidays, spent Christmas with us. What my BIL did was beyond the pale really. My friend is trying not to put me in a difficult position and said he'd just get on with it but I can tell he'd hate the day, feel intimidated and leave early and he's so important to me, the most important really. All the years I was a single mum, he was there. My sister is supporting her husband and trying to justify his behaviour. If she chooses not to come, I suppose id feel upset but not as upset as if my friend didn't come or came but felt awkward and sad and like he couldn't do his speech etc

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I think you've got your answer then. Invite your friend and then it's up to your sister whether she wants to come or not but due to her husbands behaviour he is not invited.

Ketzele · 26/07/2025 17:25

I think it's fine to exclude your BIL in these circumstances, which are of his own making.

Confabulations · 26/07/2025 17:34

ExtraOnions · 26/07/2025 17:14

Agree his behaviour is wrong, but, this current situation is because the friend doesn’t want to attend because the BIL is there. If the friend has said nothing, current situation would not have come about.

BIL sounds awful, and I’m not defending him.. the OP is now in a very difficult position, not of her own making.

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Except that you are putting the responsibility for the situation on the friend. It is completely reasonable that a gay man does not want to attend an event (likely with alcohol involved) with someone who has expressed those views and been aggressive. It is entirely a situation of the BIL making, not the friend's. Friend would never have had to say he did not feel safe if BIL had not made him feel unsafe.

Anyway, back to the OP. As you have said your friend is more important than your sister, uninvite BIL. Let her decide for herself whether she attends.

MindTheAbyss · 26/07/2025 17:49

How awful, OP. Is your friend not a bit of a red herring, perhaps? If anyone I was thinking of inviting to an intimate, once-in-a-lifetime celebration had recently been “very aggressive, intimidating, violent and homophobic” at a party and had since expressed no remorse or tried to make amends, they’d be off my list. What if he objects to a waiter, or falls out with another of your friends during your day? It’s not like you’re planning on 300 guests and he can be removed without causing a scene. This doesn’t really feel like it’s about your friend, it’s about you and your partner having a safe and joyful day.

Hatty65 · 26/07/2025 17:50

I would make it clear to my sister that I didn't appreciate my friend being subjected to homophobic abuse from her husband and that as my friend was an important part of my wedding that she was welcome to either come without the homophobe, or stay at home with him. BIL would definitely not be invited due to his behaviour.

As a matter of interest, why has your friend not reported this at work? BIL should be receiving disciplinary action by behaving this way at a work function.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 26/07/2025 17:53

Choose your friend

alcoholnightmare · 26/07/2025 17:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

alcoholnightmare · 26/07/2025 17:59

@MindTheAbyssim SO sorry…. I read this 100% wrong. I’ve reported my own post. So so sorry

SriouslyWhutNow · 26/07/2025 18:02

Yeah I wouldn't want a homophobic bigot at my wedding. He can get to fuck. 100% team friend.

Cherrysoup · 26/07/2025 18:05

junefrog · 26/07/2025 17:12

He's been a close family friend, been on holidays, spent Christmas with us. What my BIL did was beyond the pale really. My friend is trying not to put me in a difficult position and said he'd just get on with it but I can tell he'd hate the day, feel intimidated and leave early and he's so important to me, the most important really. All the years I was a single mum, he was there. My sister is supporting her husband and trying to justify his behaviour. If she chooses not to come, I suppose id feel upset but not as upset as if my friend didn't come or came but felt awkward and sad and like he couldn't do his speech etc

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There’s your answer, then.

PoopingAllTheWay · 26/07/2025 18:05

junefrog · 26/07/2025 17:12

He's been a close family friend, been on holidays, spent Christmas with us. What my BIL did was beyond the pale really. My friend is trying not to put me in a difficult position and said he'd just get on with it but I can tell he'd hate the day, feel intimidated and leave early and he's so important to me, the most important really. All the years I was a single mum, he was there. My sister is supporting her husband and trying to justify his behaviour. If she chooses not to come, I suppose id feel upset but not as upset as if my friend didn't come or came but felt awkward and sad and like he couldn't do his speech etc

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This is your answer.

Univite your BIL
If your sister doesnt come, thats on her

Hope you and your friend have a lovely day

LushLemonTart · 26/07/2025 18:07

Definitely have friend there. Sis will have to decide if she's coming or not?

Charliecatpaws · 26/07/2025 18:26

Hatty65 · 26/07/2025 17:50

I would make it clear to my sister that I didn't appreciate my friend being subjected to homophobic abuse from her husband and that as my friend was an important part of my wedding that she was welcome to either come without the homophobe, or stay at home with him. BIL would definitely not be invited due to his behaviour.

As a matter of interest, why has your friend not reported this at work? BIL should be receiving disciplinary action by behaving this way at a work function.

This nails it

thepariscrimefiles · 26/07/2025 18:30

junefrog · 26/07/2025 17:12

He's been a close family friend, been on holidays, spent Christmas with us. What my BIL did was beyond the pale really. My friend is trying not to put me in a difficult position and said he'd just get on with it but I can tell he'd hate the day, feel intimidated and leave early and he's so important to me, the most important really. All the years I was a single mum, he was there. My sister is supporting her husband and trying to justify his behaviour. If she chooses not to come, I suppose id feel upset but not as upset as if my friend didn't come or came but felt awkward and sad and like he couldn't do his speech etc

Show quote history

Your BIL sounds like a horrible person. Uninvite him and leave it up to your sister whether she attends or not. Nobody would want an aggressive, violent homophobe at their wedding.

Coconutter24 · 26/07/2025 18:56

ExtraOnions · 26/07/2025 17:14

Agree his behaviour is wrong, but, this current situation is because the friend doesn’t want to attend because the BIL is there. If the friend has said nothing, current situation would not have come about.

BIL sounds awful, and I’m not defending him.. the OP is now in a very difficult position, not of her own making.

Show quote history

So the friend shouldn’t have said they were scared of someone that had been aggressive, intimidating, violent and homophobic towards them?