How normal is it for 12 Yr old to lie

[Ontherocksthisyear]

I am unsure how normal lying is at the age of 12. Of course I know most people will tell little white lies here and there, and children/ teenagers often do lie.

However, my DP son seems to lie continously, and has done for the time I have known him (3 years). It seems to be an ongoing issue and has been for a number of years.

There are the obvious lies, for example; changing a story when he knows he might get in trouble, withholding truths, and saying one things to his mum and another thing to his dad. He also exaggerates events he tells.

However, the lies that really get me is he will just fabricate a whole story in detail, that is simply not true. He does this all the time. For an example; we were all out as a family yesterday (me, DP, DD and DP's son) at a nearby beauty spot and river. I knew there were eels in the river, but only in the very deeps sections (this was told to DP's son). Anyway I am stood not too far from my partners son and he says he can see two eels in the shallow part, about a foot long and green in colour. He kept shouting that he saw them, saying there were two of them going in between the rocks. Adamantly telling his dad about them. Of course, there were no eels as I could simply see over his shoulder.

This is just one example, others will involve him doing something he has never done. Or saying someone else has done something that they simply have not. Last year he told my daughter that his dad had once met a women who was trans and didn't realise, and then when he did he punched him/her. Of course his dad was furious that he was saying such crazy things, none of which were remotely true.

Is this normal? What could be the reason he keeps continously lying? I have some ideas, but we mostly always know he is lying and will call him out, but its constant and seems compulsive. I do feel bad now, as whenever we are chatting and he starts telling me something he did at his mums or at school, I just don't really believe him.

He is likely to grow out of this? I can only imagine what his future relationships will look like of he lies like this when older.

Would he have got attention if he wasn't shouting out about the eels? He seems to be creating a fantasy world and I think that your DP needs to speak to his ex and then possibly the GP/School.

Some lying is normal (to avoid trouble for example), excessive lying is not.

Getting angry is a bad response, he needs some consistent and useful support.

Are either of his parents any good with him?

Look at Young Minds for advice.

His dad didn't give him the attention I believe he was after, but came over to have a look, didn't see anything and told him not to lie. He then kept saying he wasn't lying and he really saw them. It does seem like an attention thing, but I don't think he's been getting much attention from this for a long while, from both DP and his mum, as they are both clued up.

Usually he isn't met with anger at all. Of course it can become frustrating. Thank you for the suggestion

Saying 'don't lie' is entirely pointless!

He may just have wanted to engage in a joke, or game, or he might have really thought it, or he might be just seeking attention - you have to think a bit deeper about him and what's going on.

but I don't think he's been getting much attention from this for a long while, from both DP and his mum, as they are both clued up.

Do they give him much attention in general? He must really feel the need for it, and may not be getting what he needs, if he is continuing in this way. Separation is hard on some kids. Maybe his dad needs to spend lots of one on one time with him when he has him, and you could suggest they go off for some regular dad and son bonding.

It sounds like he is seeking his dad’s attention. Could they have more time together?

I agree with the poster above about attention.

I asked if either of his parents are any good with him?

Is he sad, finding things tough?

Definitely seems like attention seeking behaviour.. what was his Dad doing at the time as you say his Dad came over when he shouted about the eels. Maybe he wanted his Dad to join in and engage with him.

If him and his Dad are doing an activity together with his Dads full attention does he lie then?

I agree with this. I definitely have suggested this. He does spend a lot of time with him, but more engaging in activities together rather than lots of simple talking. Which is what I think he might need.

Yes he will still lie then too. We had only just arrived when this happened, we were unpacking some picnic bags. DP certainly wasn't ignoring him or not paying him attention, he just wanted to unpack and settle before any activites

All behaviour is communication. He’s expressing a need.

A need to be seen, to be heard, for people to take an interest in him. He wants to bring something interesting to conversations, be part of the group, to have people happy to have him there and to be interested in what he has to say.

He feels he doesn’t have much to bring, so he’s making things up.

It’s too simplistic to call it “attention-seeking behaviour”. Yes he is seeking attention, but it’s nuanced.

Think about things from his POV: where does he fit in, at home and elsewhere? How have the changes in his life affected him? What has affected his self esteem?

Ds had a friend like that around the same age, blatantly obvious lies, my personal opinion it was because he didn’t have the solid boundaries which make dc feel secure. His mum used to go on continuously about how special he (in front of him) was because he was a rainbow baby 🙄.

I also have a nephew, again a tall tale teller, who was raised by grandparents after losing his mum and again no solid boundaries.

i believe not having those boundaries, feeling like they don’t have someone who cares enough to keep them on track, being told they are more special than anyone else, affects their sense of worth, so they tell stories to live up to that special.

Unfortunately for both of them they ended up kind of loners as they got older as friends drifted away when they got fed up with the ongoing lies.

Is it possible your dp and his mum are over compensating for the split, with neither wanting to be the strict parent, does he have solid boundaries?

He does have solid boundaries. Some of which i think have been implemented too late, which maybe part of the problem. His boundaries are now stricter as a result of previous loose boundaries.

I'm in two mind, one: become more firm and reinforce how he should not be lying. Two: try and make him feel like he need not lie to get attention (or as pp has suggested, to feel he has something to offer), I suppose both can be done, if done the right way.

Thank you. What you are saying speaks a lot of truths. I will take it on board.

I have no idea how common it is. I do know lied a lot as a child - probably peaked around that age. There were a few things / reasons

• would often say what I thought people wanted to hear because I was so desperate to be liked - which meant I changed my story a lot
• fundamentally didn’t think I was good enough for anyone else - so would just make shit up I thought was interesting
• I was (i thought) quite clever so I didn’t get called out very often - if I did it was by my parents - who didn’t really like me anyway so it sort of confirmed my distance from them

I grew out of it (mostly) but, now 35 years on I can sometimes tell (very small) lies when a situation really requires courage - like to cover up a mistake or to fit in. It’s not an attractive quality :(

My son is the same. Literally as soon as he could talk he told fibs and it’s carried on. Even now he’s an adult he lies . It drives me mad because 99% of the time there’s no sense to it.

I would look into getting some family therapy or get him to a psychologist. It does sound outside of typical and I would want to explore why he's doing it.

Presumably he has lost his mum or his parents have split up - both significant life events which he might still need to process. Is his mum still in the picture and how is he with her?

Some people are just like this. I met a family member of a close friend at her house the other day. He spent the whole evening telling wildly entertaining stories which were absolutely not in any way connected to reality. We all had a good time, even though everything he said was bollocks. I think he knew that we knew it was all made up, but that just made it all funnier.