To feel like I’m a shit parent as I always ‘moan’?

[Oasisagiger]

I feel fed up and quite fragile at the minute. I have a teenage daughter (17 next month)
She’s a great girl in so many ways and I love her so much. Shes not a shouter and would never be rude or cheeky (she can be a little bit cheeky but nothing compared to the horror stories I hear other parents going through) I love her laid back outlook and personality and it’s great in many situations, however it also has it’s negatives.

Her dad is the same and he’s a great guy and great dad (we’re separated but have a fantastic relationship) but he’s too laid back to the point there is no urgency, everything is the last minute, rushing about, house is upside down and he can never find anything and it’s exhausting.

DD bedroom always a mess, she’s completely disorganised, doesn’t think ahead much, always late for school etc…

She’s now got her first job in a local cafe only a few hours a week as she’ll be going to college in September and yesterday she just made it by the skin of her teeth to get there for her shift, starts at 9 - got there at 8.59, was the same last time. She’s not completed a couple of things she was supposed to online training and I feel like I’m constantly on her back saying ‘you need to do this that and the other’.

I’ll be saying you need to set off earlier and explain why it’s important but it just falls on deaf ears and dad drove her there yesterday but again no urgency so she was almost late again. That was mainly his fault but then she takes ages to get ready.

I get frustrated and annoyed because I care and I don’t want her to lose her first Saturday job but the laid back attitude to life is going to clash with adulthood and I’m
worried for her future.

It’s stuff like not having much charge in her phone. I have to remind her to get it charged or she’ll not bother. Or I’ll say don’t walk back when it’s dark over fields - stay away from lonely places, but then they take the short cut down the back of the river or they’ll go for a walk at 9.30-11pm (in an area renowned for crime) - This is when she sleeps at her friends so I can’t stop them.

I know they have to live their lives but as I said, I wouldn’t be wandering about at 11pm in an in area renowned for crime. You try to guide them and advise them because you want them to be safe and do well in life but I feel like an absolutely moany bastard!!! ‘Don’t do this, don’t do that, be carful, have you done that, you need to do this’ but as I say to her, you probably think I’m a pain, but it’s because I love you and want the best for you and whilst it’s good to be laid back, you need to be aware bad things happen so you need to act accordingly and you need to be at work in time and prompt and be more organised etc…

Nothings organised, everything’s last minute rush rush rush, no urgency and I feel exhausted trying to organise everything and so I get annoyed and then moan 😭

No, you sound like a parent who giving the right messages. But I think there is a way to do it that comes across as 'moany' and downbeat and ways to give these messages that come over more positively. I aim for a brisk, upbeat tone and use a bit of humour and/or real life examples where needed.

With regards to walking in dangerous places, can you show her a couple of news articles about the types of crimes that happen there? Sadly I suspect that you won't have to look too long.

Some of these are worth moaning about.

some are not. (Eg nagging her to charge her phone. That’s what power banks are for).

maybe try not to sweat the small stuff?

Yeah, stop moaning.

You've got a lovely daughter who got herself a job and has never arrived late.

When she goes anywhere strange, she goes with her friend.

She's relaxed and laid back. You're stressy and naggy.

Why are you moaning?

Thank you for you input. Yes, I do feel like a nag as you describe and that’s what she’ll think. Just to clear a couple of things up though, as I don’t think it was clear in my OP. I actually got her the job it wasn’t off her own back and yes she’s technically not late, but If you start at 8, it’s not great to get there at 8. It’s means to be ready on the floor to start. There’s also training that she’s known about for weeks but hasn’t done it and the time has lapsed so it’s not great from an employees point of view as she’s had weeks to do it but didn’t.

Yes she’s with her friend when the wander which is great but she doesn’t seem to take safely seriously which is why I get frustrated. I don’t want her to be the victim that we’re constantly seeing and hearing about.

Yes I think you’re absolutely right. I need to try and be more upbeat - I do try like but sometimes I feel like a dictator 🫣 and like I’m moaning for fun.

I do give her examples and as you point out, sadly things happen more frequently than not and there was something locally I seen in the news recently that I will show her. Poor woman attacked by two men walking home one night. Awful.

I

Yes, that’s a good approach and I’m really trying to focus on not sweating about the smaller things. I then moan because she won’t take her power bank 🥴😂

You are being unreasonable.

Bad things do not happen more often than not. Of course, it's awful when they do , but the likelihood of being a victim of crime is still relatively rare.

If she loses her first job in a cafe because she's late (though she's not actually been late) the world will not end. She may learn a lesson.

Lots of people are like this at 17. Lots stay like this forever (your ex DH). They mostly make it through life unscathed.

Yes it would be better if she took safer routes home, but short of banning her from going out with her friends, there's not a lot you can do. (Do you know the route because she tells you or because you have her location?)

You might be happier if you involved yourself a bit less in the tiny details of your DDs life. You don't actually need to know when she got to work. Could you just ask her to share her near misses with you a little less because it stresses you out?