Flo Parrott
https://www.facebook.com/flo.parrot
Dawn O'Porter wrote Paper Aeroplanes based on her teenage diary. Well, when putting something away in the garage, I came across an old box file containing my diaries. And what a nineties looking file it is!
Last year I received a letter from Dawn's publisher's solicitors stating that Dawn does not recall bullying me and basically threatening me into not discussing it. It would appear that being a bully once was not enough for her and that she saw fit to continue intimidating me into silence. And that's the difficulty in these situations, when you are on the receiving end of bullying and/or abuse of any kind - the fear of not being believed, the shame and humiliation of speaking out.
I know that this is just a tiny audience that I'm writing to but I hope to show that with a little courage there is no shame in talking about these taboo subjects. I'm a therapist now and draw from my life experiences in my work, I feel it would be hypocritical of me to shy away from these things. I know what it's like to hurt and to feel like there is nobody there to listen, so I make it my job to be there - and to listen with compassion. Perhaps on some level I could thank Dawn for giving me an experience that has taught me the importance of kindness. I realise that her childhood wasn't a bed of roses either, we are all just trying to find our way in life.
Too often I see people struggle with the guilt and shame and confusion, not to mention the pain and despair that comes with experiences of abuse. It took me a long time to reconcile myself with my past and to realise that it wasn't my fault...that there is nothing 'wrong with me' just because I have been through difficult times. I hope that other people who have been through similar also have the opportunity to make some sort of peace with their experiences and to stand up to people that try to oppress them, however that feels right for them.
So here's a little something of my own from the nineties.
From friendship:
Tues 7th Sep 1993: It was my first day back at school today...I'm sitting next to Dawn in the form room (Rm8) and our form mistress is Mrs B.
To this:
Wed 1st June 1994: Caroline more or less told Dawn & J about C raping me. Apparently Dawn said that I deserved it & that being raped can't be that bad.
Actually Dawn it was something like this:
Feb 1994: I turned round again and said no. He didn't stop. So I turned round again and said "I said no, and I mean NO". He looked at me saying "don't worry, I'm not going to f*k you. He lied. I tried to push him away but I couldn't. I tried so hard but it didn't help. He just told me to shut up and keep still every time I said no. How could he do that to me?...
...have taken away my self respect so that I blame what happened on myself. He's taken away my dignity, I feel humiliated, used, confused, degraded, surely I didn't deserve it. No-one deserves that.
October 1994: Everyone would be better off without me. I just spell trouble...Why can't people leave me alone, even having everyone totally forget about me would be better than this.
February 1995: I just can't face going into school. There's no way I'm ever going to forgive Dawn this time. Things have been really shit at home for me as well and I don't need crap like this from people I thought were my friends. It just proves that you can't trust anyone...
On Friday night I asked Dawn what was going on and what I'd done...She couldn't give me an answer and was v.v. nasty. She said, "I've been slagging you off - Big time". I got no apology or anything. I ended up really upset...