There was a lot that went on during my childhood but there’s a couple of things I still struggle to untangle (I’ve had and continue to have therapy).
Growing up I had all the boxes ticked for opportunities and well fed and definitely felt like my parents wanted to show up for me at sports day and so on.
However I was also hit quite badly, told I was an awful person, that I was a nasty jealous girl (jealous of my sister) and so on. There was a lot of emotional neglect, In later years in my early twenties I broke up with a partner and asked to come home and they said no. Another occasion later on in life I was attacked in a city centre an hour or so from where they lived (I was fine physically but in huge shock) and they refused to come over to me. There’s lots of occasions like this where I felt totally abandoned.
There’s this specific behaviour I displayed growing up which I can’t work out why or what I was trying to achieve. I would make friends easily and I would really want them to meet my parents, particularly my mum, and I would almost highlight something in front of them both that my parents had previously criticised (like I was a worrier or didn’t eat enough etc). I would do this in a lighthearted way and my friend (various friends not just any specific one) would side a bit with my parents but also make light of it and be on my side too, and we’d all say oh gosh isn’t Lualaay silly, you don’t need to worry about that! And the entire exchange would make me feel infantilised and small but also safe, like my mum had heard my worry or problem again and she’d talked about it very briefly with my friend with me there too. Although I felt small and often embarrassed I also felt safe. I can’t understand this behaviour but I would do it a lot growing up, almost expose myself and my vulnerabilities intentionally with a friend around. Can anyone help explain this? I’m trying my best with therapy but it’s slow going!