Family don’t understand ND children

[BeesUnicornPot]

I’m referring to my parents in particular. Both my parents have no idea how to handle my children who are both on the spectrum and have severe ADHD.

My eldest child attends a special school, which indicates the level of the impact it has
on them.

If you watched and observed my children closely, you’d definitely notice they were ‘different’.

AIBU to be saddened that during a family gathering, out for dinner, my parents nudged me and asked me to ‘look’ at a particular older child, say 16? They asked me what I thought was ‘wrong’ with him and asked if I thought he was ‘not right?’

As the mum of a child who attends a special school 🤯 I was utterly gobsmacked. I blanked the question and said I wouldn’t be turning round to look at anyone as it’s extremely rude, but it’s angered me or saddened me since.

Should I address it? They are late 70’s and always play the’we don’t know’ card.

Or am I being OTT to let it bother me?

The thought that other people may be doing similar to my children is 😢 and I was gutted for the young man and his family.

You're overthinking it. There's definitely a difference in attitudes across generations. Rise above it.

They're from a generation that was woefully undereducated on such matters. They're nearly 80, you're not going to change their ways.

Absolute BS that they ‘don’t know’. SEN is not new and their 1950s attitude needs to be updated, not least so they recognise how to engage with their grandchildren FFS. Have they attempted to learn - asked you? Googled any info from charities etc?

Pointing out visible difference, and particularly their phrasing of ‘not right’ is, as you say, just rude. Did they apologise?

Agree. People act like older generation has been living in a bubble since 1982, it’s a lazy way of allowing ageism, sexism, racism, ableism, all the isms to carry on unfettered.
it interesting how some of the older generation managed to stay au fait with the changes happening around them, one of my grandmas was still politically active in her 90s and the other one was very socially and politically aware at the same age.
we need to stop making excuses for the lazy older generation and start challenging them to move with the their times which started changing while they were actually young people

I’d have a chat with them, my DM is 81 and I’ve managed to stop her loudly comment on women’s bodies… she thought it was fine to have an option very loudly on “she needs to eat more” or “she needs to calm down on the pies” so she’s been told off.. and has stopped.

So sorry to say but your folks can be taught and can change their shitty attitudes and commentary about someone “not being right” is just awful behaviour, have the chat away from the situation.

I just calmly told mum I’d noticed she commented, sometimes people may hear her and it’s rude and outdated to do this and embarrassing.

What was your child doing for your parents to elicit the question? I don’t think there’s enough information in the post to see whether they misunderstand your children. All you have said is that they have asked what’s wrong with him. Maybe it was rude, or maybe a clumsy question.

Maybe the bigger older child was acting strangely near their grandchildren and they were concerned, maybe they were just being nosy or maybe they recognised behaviours that your dc have and we’re trying to understand and ask you a question.

if that comment was the worse you got then I wouldn’t let myself get upset about it. Unfortunately people will look and make comment about your children if they are behaving differently in public, not everyone has the same experience with SN children as you

I don’t think it was OPs children they asked about.
it was an older boy at another table.

I understand your sadness OP.
Im no at the stage where if someone asks me what’s wrong with my child (she uses a wheelchair full time, profoundly disabled and nonverbal but still at the “cute enough” stage ) I say I don’t understand the question.
One older woman asked me “what’s wrong?” Indicating my daughter with a toss of her head at my daughter and I said are you asking me what her medical condition is? Just to let her know how rude it is - clearly my daughter has disabilities but I don’t know why it’s anyone’s business to ask or refer to medical conditions when they’d most likely take umbrage at someone doing it to them!

I think it is something all of us do internally, and it is basically to do with wanting to feel safe, especially when out. With different younger people, we may realise that they vulnerable. But we may still get alarmed if they vocalise loudly. Swimming can be distracting too. I think there is also a strong urge to classify behaviour, get a diagnosis etc. We are curious and want to understand. I also acknowledge how difficult it is for parents whose children are different. I was out with my autistic non-verbal grandson recently and was very conscious of a woman looking our way because it was dawning on her that he wasn't a typical child. With the parents, I think beyond suggesting they keep their voice down and then changing the subject, there is not a great deal you can do.

Not swimming - stimming!

My stepdad was definitely a prick about my middle son in particular being ND. I no longer see him since my mum died. Specific stuff he did to piss me off..
Pulling my sons hood down when he was in a phase of having a hood on constantly

Shouting at him for picking a large daisy in their garden. He assumed my son was mo dressy destroying the flowers but he in face loves daisies so.just wanted one

"Smacking him" on the back.of the head for hitting his older sister. He had his hood on and it wasn't hard so didn't hurt him but absolute no no!!

Saying "yes bath" when my son had a phobia of baths at age 3 and kept saying "no bath!"and made him cry

When all this made me not leave my son at my mums while I took my daughter swimming once a week (they lived right next to the leisure centre) i nipped in to see my mum after swimming for 10 minutes, sat next to my mums armchair with my son on my lap (away from stepdad) and my son cried as he didn't want to be there. Stepdad kept ignorantly saying " what's up with him!"
That was the last time I saw my mum, she died 5 days later

Don't get me started on the shitstorm that was my niece (now nephew) transitioning to male....