I’m almost wanting my dad to die

[its5oclocksomewheresurely]

This sounds awful I know. The strain now is unbearable. I should say he was never a good dad. Always drunk and smashing stuff up. Now me and my brother have to care for him. He’s Doubly incontinent, can’t hear anything, in and out of hospital, he calls us 20 times a day when we are at work, there’s always something that needs doing to make sure he’s ok, it’s fucking exhausting! Every time he gets sick I think maybe this is it, but no, he pulls through. God I sound awful! 😞

If you are in the UK, you don't have to care for him. He certainly never cared for you and putting ghis burden on you shows that he still doesn't. Next time he is due to be discharged, make it clear that you can't carry on doing the care you have been.

You don’t sound awful you probably just resent it with him being a crap dad your having to take care of him but sounds like he wasn’t very present when you were kids. You’re allowed to feel what you feel don’t beat yourself up. take time for yourself it’s hard when parents are sick and it falls n your shoulders on top of your own life. can you get him outside care to take the pressure off you?

yanbu Even with a loved and adored parent there comes a time when it would be better for all concerned if they died. It is incredibly hard to deal with.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much OP. I think what you're feeling makes perfect sense and I think many, many people would feel the exact same. You certainly don't sound awful to me.

I would just say that while you may feel you need to care for him - you don't need to care for any parent who's been abusive towards you or your family. You are allowed to walk away in order to protect your peace. At the same time I fully understand why that may not feel like something you are actually able to do.

What support do you have with this? Could you get some counselling as this is bound to be dragging up old hurts and traumas from his past behaviour and caring for a parent in this way is painful and emotionally heavy enough even when they were a safe parent.

You can only ever give as much as is in your cup in the first place. You are important too.

You don’t have to care for him. I understand why you think you do, but get on to adult social services and tell them you’re unable to take responsibility for him.

After my mum died it became very obvious something wasn't right with our dad. He would phone us at 3am but not talk so we would rush to him to discover he just wanted us to see the snails. He became doubly incontinent and even with pads was having many accidents a day that he had to be showered multiple times a day at certain points. He got very unwell and twice we were called to say our goodbyes but he pulled through. I think he got home again for about 3 months and my sister, her husband, their kid were 3 and 5 at the time myself and my partner, my youngest was 11 were looking after him with carers going in 4 times a day. It just got to the point where I said if we didn't get more help something would happen as my dad when he was well was the best dad ever, him and I could have a disagreement and it would be finished but my dad unwell pushed my buttons so badly I had to walk away from him. Social work got involved and organised respite care for a week, my dad said he was going for a day and that was that we got him to extend it to 2 days and so on. He came home and had a fall so back to hospital he went and they said he needed 24 hour care so social work worked wonders and got him a place in the nursing home he had been in for respite. Again he said he was only staying for a day but he is coming up on 6 yrs and he loves it, he has company when he wants it and he can take himself away for peace and quiet when he wants. So is a nursing home a possibility? Also hoping he would die isn't an evil thought when you are in the middle of it. My dad is a brilliant man but at 3am phoning about snails or getting your door chapped at 5am cause he is at the shop in his bare feet and the shop doesn't open till 6am I honestly at times I wished it had been him and not my mum and I am a total daddy's girl. Don't be hard on yourself, phone social work and see if they can offer help.

Even with the best of circumstances, caring for someone in very ill health, it one of the most draining and stressful things a person can do.

Please go easy on yourself. Your health is important too and there's only so much you can do.

Please don’t feel guilty. Your feelings are valid and human.

It doesn't sound awful, it sounds human and honest, and unless others have been through anything similar they are clueless, so don't let anybody shame you for how you feel. Find a way to free yourself from him. For a start, do not answer his calls at all, ever, when you are at work.

Do you and your brother have power of attorney for both his health and financial affairs? If so, you can legally decide that he needs to go in a care home, get an assessment done for his needs and funding with the council to get a care package done, sell his home if he has one and look for a decent care home. He clearly is a danger to himself, cannot look after his own needs and calling you 2 up at work. It is at the point where you and your brother cannot provide the care and he safely can't live by himself. Get a solicitor if you 2 don't have the powers of attorney, health and finance are separare ones, if he is mentally fine and the solicitor would talk to him alone to see he can consent to getting that done. You need to really sort out his care, but legally need the POA even as his children. I got the POA for my mum who had been ill for awhile and then my dad passed and she couldn't live alone, so had to go into care as she became bed bound and needed turning in the night. Do this now for your dad's safety and you and your brother's stress levels. You will need to be responsible for paying any contribitions to his care from his, savings/pension/s if he has to pay towards it and you send the bank a copy of the financial POA and they give you access/card for it etc. Get your dad too to decide on a DNR which my mum did and it saves a lot of heartache and worry and it was her choice as I only found out the care home had done it with her!!

My mum was abusive to me emotionally and physically throughout my childhood.

She also drank loads of alcohol - an alcoholic basically and didn’t care how her drinking impacted others.

When I was 15 once in the middle of one weekend afternoon she was blind drunk, lost her footing on the stairs and fell all the way down. When I heard the series of thuds from I was quietly pleased and hoped this was it, that she’d drop dead.

no such luck, unfortunately