How to manage this conversation? And when to call it time? (Fertility)

[Dreamii]

I’m 39 with one dc age 4. We had dc very very early in the relationship and it was pretty terrible for the first couple of years but the last two years have been great. We are on the same page and DP often talks about wanting more children at some point.

For context we have enough money and each own a home (one rented out). DP is 43.

After the first couple of tricky years having to get on with parenthood in a new relationship, I had been leaning towards the idea that I would never have another child, with DP or anyone else. However, that’s now changed in the last few months. I always wanted a big family and after the accidental pregnancy I think I felt a bit in shock and put the idea of more children out of my mind. But deep down it’s not how I feel. I do want more, probably wouldn’t be more than one with my age now but I would like to try.

DP, whilst very loving and wonderful with DS, is also very slow paced (which was one of the reasons the accidental pregnancy was so stressful). Everything he talks about is in the future. I know if I said to him I want to ttc he would say when x happens or y happens. These will be things like us needing a bigger house (we don’t technically need that immediately), or when he’s promoted. He is like this about everything in life and it’s not specific to me. In all other ways he is very committed to the relationship.

I know I need to tell him I want to ttc. I know he will say I’m giving him an ultimatum if I put a timeframe on it. But I have to don’t I? If I don’t then it’s even more unlikely I won’t have another dc.

I don’t know how to approach this or what to do. I also think I will massively resent him if he was to keep saying at some point and then it was too late for me. More so than if we broke up and I tried to meet someone else and it didn’t happen.

It feels a
bit like you are inventing issues before they’ve even happened. Have you even had a conversation about this yet?

I’m sorry to be blunt but you are 39. Unless your partner is an idiot, he must realise that your fertility is waning and it’s a now-or-never decision? Bigger houses and promotions can wait but pregnancy can’t. Just put it plainly to him - if he says no to ttc now, then you are effectively shutting the door on expanding your family.

Stick to the facts;

“Dh, we have talked about having another child. I am 39 realistically this needs to happen fairly quickly as my fertility is declining and there are increased risks in pregnancy for older mothers . When do you think we should start trying?”

if he refuses to discuss it then you either have to accept it’s unlikely you will have a second child or end the relationship to pursue having another child solo (obviously you could also meet someone else but it’s a tight deadline)

You could ask GP to check your fertility levels but at 39 you probably have 3ish years (could be more/could be less) before it gets very tricky.

These are the conversations you need to
be able to have with a life partner and the father of your children. You can’t pussyfoot around.

It’s quite simple, start the convo and be factual about time frames etc.

What would happen if you said something like ' we've talked about ttc for a while now, with me being 39 I'm going to stop my contraceptives and see what happens with getting pregnant ....'

I'm assuming you are the one using contraception.

Would his reaction be
no don't do that
Wear a condom
Stop having sex
Or
Ok let's see if we get pregnant

Have the conversation rather than pre-empting what he’ll do/say.

At 39 though you need to be realistic about the fact it might not happen at all, and even if you left DP (which would be hugely unfair on your existing DC) you may not find another new partner or find one in time.

I honestly think longing for more children- while completely natural - sends women mad and is leading to some awful behaviour by older people in a fertility industry which treats everyone badly.

Have the conversation, keep it relaxed, try and get pregnant if you can, but if it doesn’t work be ready to make your peace with it.