To occasionally want to divorce my DH?

[rose88xx]

Hopefully not too long but also don’t want to drip feed… I am wondering how often (if at all) others feel like they could/would leave their partner and be happy or happier. My DH and I have been together for 13 years married for 7. We have two DC, DS 3 and DD 6months. I know we are in the trickiest stages of parenthood. Day to day we get along fine. Very rarely have big rows, but when we do I find myself getting so frustrated I just want to leave. And in the moment I start planning the logistics and do think I could be happier. Tonight for the first time I said in our row ‘I want to leave you. I can’t stand this anymore’.
I just get fed up of the same narrative all the time. He behaves badly or upsets me somehow. I react, and then I am the bad guy and always causing rows and everything is my fault. I get incredibly frustrated because I am a very logical person and he has a tendency to twist my words or misinterpret them (don’t think he does it on purpose) which drives me mad because he then gets annoyed about something that I didn’t even say- because that’s ’what he heard’.
anyway it tends to die down and blow over but nothing ever changes in this pattern and the next row will be the same. I am also more quick to apologise in order to clear the air but he takes that as an admission of guilt so doesn’t change his behaviour. Does anyone else feel like they want to leave their partner occasionally or is this a major issue? Probably happens a couple of times A year.

I’d hazard a guess and say it’s normal

most people I know separated shortly after the births of their children, the ones that stuck it out navigated the most difficult part in a marriage and had been close to divorce rode it out and are so happy and settled.

Thank you @DestituteDesperate ! I do remember my parents having big rows when we were little and then were happily married for 45 years, so I know the stage passes… but similarly I don’t have an overwhelming sense of ‘I couldn’t live without him’

Your deep in the throes of motherhood, last thing on your mind is the husband but once you stabilise from this period and remember your kids are in various stages of development a toddler and baby, you’ll get back that spark and rhythm and as the kids want you less and less, your feelings and bond with your husband grows.

you’ll definitely as you get older realise that despite the bickering, you would miss him dearly if he wasn’t around.

Itll all eventually come back around full circle.

First few years of children put a massive strain on marriage. I remember feeling the same and telling a friend I wanted to divorce my DH, she said “you want to be able to turn back to your children when they are adults and say you did everything you could to keep the family together” and she was right, so we got couples therapy - it was fantastic, we finally found a way to hear each other and feel heard. Def recommend (still happily married 20 years later)

Depends on what he’s doing when he “behaves badly” I think? Abusive or really lazy or unfaithful or dishonest? Yes, those things would make me want to leave. Fills the kettle “wrong”, loses his car keys, generally annoys you by breathing? Yes, sometimes I want to leave him for those things but I’m fully aware that’s irrational so I keep those thoughts to myself.

100% I wanted to leave my OH for 5 days every month for YEARS!! 🤣 We made it through and now I'm too knackered to think of sorting out the house ready to sell so I guess I'm staying!!

He sounds like he’s deliberately turning every argument round onto you so that you apologise and he can continue on his merry way unchallenged.

If he wants to change, a few sessions of relationship counselling should be able to solve this pattern for you is that something you and he would consider?

If not, you must learn yourself to change the way you react / respond to him.

DH I’m fed up of picking up your stinky socks
rose you’re such a nag I hate it when you keep criticising me

I bet you would then normally jump in with

I’m not criticising you
Yes you are you said I have disgusting feet
No I didnt
Yes you did blah blah blah

And he’s now successfully turned the argument away from his behaviour and onto you and you’re now defending yourself.

Instead, get used to spotting the deflection argument and don’t enagage with it!

DH I’m fed up of picking up your stinky socks
Rose you’re such a nag I hate it when you keep criticising me
Im not discussing that now - I’m asking you to stop leaving your socks on the floor I’m not your maid
God will you stop going on about it
I will stop mentioning it when you stop doing it; it’s disrespectful and lazy
Yeah but you….blah blah
I’m not discussing that now, I am asking you to be more considerate and put your socks in the laundry bin. Thank you

And walk off with a satisfied flourish!

I think it's normal to feel like that. I regularly think about it!

Agree with a lot of the above. Having kids puts a massive strain on a marriage. Unless there are fundamental problems that can’t be solved, then I suspect things will look better in a few years as the kids get older. And if not, there you go.

Thank you for all the responses- it is reassuring to hear others felt the same! In response to one PP it isn’t major issues that cause the arguments (no infidelity or abuse), ‘normal’ couple stuff. But I don’t think we argue well- counselling would be great for us I think.

20 plus years married and remember wanting to smother dh in his sleep after another terrible night with baby
I distinctly remember the visceral loathing I had for him as he was getting more sleep. Yep I was unhinged

Op I think a lot of people think about it at some stage somebody once told me the divorce usually only happens when both parties want it to. How did your dh take this conversation? Did he agree with you? Kids are great but hardwork and sometimes the relationship gets put on the back burner I always say to people can you imagine him with another woman and live with it? Sometimes that’s gives your head a wobble it’s not about living without him it’s seeing him happy with another woman.

Definitely had times when I felt like this when our children were young. I think it mostly stems from lack of sleep and being overwhelmed with the demands of a young family. Looking back, there were times when we could have separated because it didn't feel like we were on the same page, but I'm glad we stuck it out. We've seen married 35 years now, kids all grown up and we're happy 😊

I have a 10 month old and I'm in the process of separating from my H. Our rows are similar to yours but more frequent and more toxic. He intentionally twists things and doesn't see himself as being to blame.

I know people say it's the sleep deprivation etc and you should ride out the tough stage, but it's gone too far for us. There's been a lot of name calling and contempt from him and a complete lack of kindness, and I don’t feel the same about him after the way he treated me when I was at my most vulnerable.

Not sure if this situation is remotely normal, but you're not alone. It sounds like your marriage could actually be saved (though that's not easy, of course)

@amberisola sorry to hear about your separation. I hope it goes as smoothly as possible. I am glad to say that our arguments never get insulting, and nothing physical. So we can normally clear the air quite quickly and easily afterwards. My concerns are mainly around how similar the arguments always are, falling into the same narrative regardless of how they started.

We've been married almost 40 years in a largely successful partnership, and a few times (not necessarily at the same time) we've both thought of divorce.

Living with a spouse/partner long term is hard. As individuals, we have different personalities and even in marriages without big arguments or abuse, locking horns and clashing is normal. Many years ago my father said something I never forgot "it's not lack of love making many marriages fail, it's the day-to-day living with each other that's really hard"

In our case we've also been best friends and have a deep love for each other which helped when we were fuming and thinking "to hell with you".